From Cleveland.com:

The county announced last week with the city of Cleveland and the nonprofit Group Plan Commission that construction of the bridge would be delayed until 2017. The city and county have pledged $10 million each toward the $25 million project, and the state of Ohio has kicked in $5 million.

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The design calls for a 900-foot-long “cable-stayed” pedestrian span extending from the northeast corner of the downtown Mall to the lawn between the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum and the Great Lakes Science Center at North Coast Harbor.

So this bridge is all the talk right now in Downtown Cleveland. A pedestrian bridge that’ll connect downtown to the lakefront/FirstEnergy Stadium/Rock Hall/Science Center. It was supposed to be completed by the Republican National Convention but that’s not happening anymore.

I mean, it’s pretty cool for a bridge I guess? If bridges can even be cool?

But then you think…$25 million for… a bridge… to walk on. I can go down to Home Depot, grab a couple 2x4s and some plywood and build a damn bridge for about $200… If we’re going to be spending that sort of money, we’re gonna need to spice this bridge up a little bit. Make this bridge a little more fun. Add some bells and whistles to this bridge. This is what we’re gonna do:

Beer Bong Station

The parking lot below the bridge is a prime tailgating lot for Browns games and concerts at First Energy Stadium. What better way to utilize the bridge than to make 5 huge beer bong funnels; hang them over the edge; and have the Browns faithful guzzling down cold delicious beer till they’re blue in the face. And besides, what’s better than doing a 40 foot beer bong off of a $25 million bridge? Nothing, that’s what.

However, we may put some Cleveland Police Officers out of a job

Moving sidewalks

For the lazies like me who hate walking to get places.

A POOL BAR

Hey suck it, South Beach. We have our own pool bars on the shores of Lake Erie. Complete with diving board, palm trees, and inflatable swans rafts for those rascals who enjoy a good float while guzzling champagne and whatnot.

An outdoor nightclub

Grab some speakers, get one of Cleveland’s top DJs, wheel in a shitload of booze and boom you basically have Shooters East. We’ll charge $5 a person and roll around in profits like Scrooge McDuck. This’ll be a place where Cleveland’s sexiest gather in their most stylish duds. It’ll be a place where people go to be seen. The best of the best will gather here. We’ll name it “Overpass” to go along with the bridge theme.

So how do you get this bridge to actually be worth 25 million dollars? You add beer bongs, moving sidewalks, a pool bar, and a nightclub. Screw this boring shit, let’s make Cleveland fun. Someone put me in contact with Frank Jackson, we’ve got a damn bridge to build.