Tag Archives: Cleveland Browns

A Guy In The Muni Lot Willingly Jumped Off A Bus Into A Tree For Some Reason 

If a guy jumping off the top of a bus into a tree and falling to the ground in a crumpled heap isn’t a metaphor for this Browns season then I don’t know what is.

I was in the Muni Lot before Sunday’s game. Upper 40s with sunshine for a late November home game in Cleveland is unheard of… and the Muni was possibly the least crowded I’ve ever seen it in the 10 years that I’ve been going. For every three cars there was an empty space with nothing in it. A few of the usuals weren’t there. The second lot after the toll booth was about 15% full. A once proud and great parking lot reduced to empty spaces and drunk guys willingly jumping into trees in hopes of a branch poking their eyes out so they don’t have to watch the Browns play football. SAD! 

At least this guy had a good time 



h/t @bustedcoverage

Kevin Hogan Should Start, Football Betting Tips, And The Tribe

The Bottlegate “staff” has officially grown from 2 to 3. Excited to welcome Dan Whalen to the team.

Here’s his new weekly column (we’ll think of a name for it soon.) Go give him a follow on Twitter at  @dwhalen5

Like most of you, I felt no need to tune into the Browns game this weekend. Misery turned to apathy a while back-if I can remember correctly, for me it happened right around the time Johnny Manziel was drafted by Ray Farmer and the gang. So I’ll start my weekly diaTribe of five feelings here:

1. I’m not revealing anything you don’t already know when it comes to the team, the franchise, the management yada, yada…but I came instead to shed some light on the quarterback situation and how it should play out for the remainder of the year, since they, ya know, passed on the guy I touted as the best in the draft, on the day of the draft. See: @dwhalen5, dak in your closest twitter search bar. Do you know we’ve had EIGHT general managers since 1999?

The Browns have to go with Kevin Hogan as long as they can, until and maybe even after Kessler is healthy. And I’m not “stats tell the full story” guy at all, but if you go back and look at Andrew Luck vs Kevin Hogan, you get ALARMINGLY similar statistics and win/loss records when comparing the two. Except Hogan went 3-1 in bowl games and Luck wend 1-2. But WHATEVER. Point is, the kid can make plays, he learned from the best, in arguably the most pro-friendly offensive college system there is, and quite honestly, sometimes the second quarterback you draft just ends up being better than the first. So drop the ego, change the culture, and let the kid sling it while Kessler picks his fragile ass back up off the ground.

Otherwise, they may miss out on him altogether, he’ll go be a stud for somebody else, and we will draft another shitshow who sets the squad back another three years.


2. I fancy myself a bit of a football handicapper, especially when it comes to picking the correct underdogs on the money line. So here are a few picks for the weekend:

A) Va Tech to cover -4.5 at Pitt for a little Thursday night action if you’re itching to make a play before the weekend. I think the defense is too good, and Pitt’s defense is woefully bad. When Pitt plays good teams, they lose.

B) Washington -10 at Utah. Huskies are the real deal. And they’ve got a hell of a defense. I get to watch Utah every single week due to rooming up with a former Ute footballer, and their offense has a tendency to sputter at times when they get inside the red-zone. This game will have some turnovers, and they’ll all come from the red and black side of the football. Pac-12 south runs through Colorado this year.

C) Auburn -4.5 at Ole Miss. There’s a trend this week with the road favorites, but trust me that’s coincidence-like I mentioned above, I’m an underdog guy. However, if you witnessed what LSU did to Ole Miss on the ground last week (312 yds/8.6 avg), and you had a chance to see Auburn’s ground game against Arkansas (543 yds/9.5 avg), then you should see that this could be another bloodbath of sorts. Even with Chad Kelly being night and day when he plays at

home vs on the road, he ain’t getting in a 3-technique to stop the deluge.

 D) Cowboys -4 vs Eagles. The Eagles are a different team when they have to travel. And not a single defense has shown they can stop Zeke. Cowboys have been money at home. Oh, and Dak.

E) Underdogs to keep an eye on straight up: Navy, Texas Tech, Nebraska, Arizona State, Redskins, Lions, Raiders

3. Also, was happy to see that Indians beat writer Paul Hoynes took this kind of chilly dip instead of this kind of chili dip for losing a bet to a clever Tribe fan. One time I’m sure he’s happy to be wrong.

4. The only thing better than being there when the banner is raised tonight in Cleveland, is being there tomorrow night for game two, which I’m pretty jacked up for.

5. That said, with respect to my most beloved franchise in town since age seven, I’m going with Indians in six games, starting with Kluber tonight. From my perch here in Chicago, Cubs fans are a bit out over their skis and are already planning their parade. And if we know anything about being underdogs, it’s that they play these games for a reason, and you shouldn’t count anyone out before the fact, because you never know when you might blow a 3-1 lead in The Finals.

PS: If you couldn’t tell this was supposed to be posted last night but Austin and I were downtown all afternoon. Stay tuned for the next installment on Tuesday.

MMDB: Kevin Hogan’s Got Wheels, Hue Is Terrible With Timeouts, And The Browns Still Stink

Here’s to another edition of the Monday Morning Disappointment Blog. After a multi week hiatus because of laptop problems, we are back. Hue Jackson is back to making questionable coaching decisions, the defense is back to giving up big plays, and the offense is back to having another quarterback under center. Just another winless Cleveland Browns Sunday.

Let’s look at some Game Tape

Tim Couch was there

Vontaze Burfict continued his reign as the biggest scumbag in the NFL 


Cody Favre?


We realized that Kevin Hogan has some pretty gross upper arm hair

But if he’s gonna have runs like this, he can have all the arm hair in the world


Just watch the angle the safety takes on Jeremy Hill’s 74 yard touchdown and try not to puke on yourself. I think it was Ibraheim Campbell but I couldn’t make out the number


13 things I believe I believe

  1. You’re not going to believe this. Are you sitting down? OK good. The Browns gave up an opening drive touchdown to the other team. Shocking, I know. That makes 5 out of 7 games the Browns have started down 7-0 after the first possession. Not good!
  2. It’s a little problematic when your quarterback keeps getting knocked out of games. 5 different QBs under center (not counting Pryor) in 7 games is incredible. This has to be some sort of record.
  3. If Kevin Hogan is going to be in the NFL he’s going to have to wax/shave his upper arms, get some Under Armour or wear the Sam Bradford sleeves. Just can’t be a QB in 2016 and have that hair.
  4. The offensive playcalling failed to get Isaiah Crowell enough carries once again. 12 carries for The Crow while he’s averaging 5.3 per tote is not enough.
  5.  As of right now I’m not giving up Joe Thomas for anything less than a first round pick. Did you guys see the game last night between the Seahawks and Cardinals? Get a first rounder from one of them.
  6. The Browns need to win a game. Just one. Just fall ass backwards into a win. Please.
  7. If you’re in a survivor elimination league and pick against the Browns each week you’re in a pretty good spot. It’s such a simple but effective strategy.
  8. Have a day, Emmanuel Ogbah. 6 tackles, 2 sacks, 2 tackles for loss, and 2 QB hits. Not a bad day for the rook.
  9. I kind of hate the NFL for having the Browns play all of these early season games on the road thus robbing us of prime Muni Lot weather. Fuck you Goodell.
  10. Cam Erving is really not helping his public reputation by sitting out the second half with an “illness.” As of typing this, I’m not sure what illness he had but from judging from the reaction of Twitter, people aren’t too happy with him right now.
  11. Don’t quote me on this but I’m pretty sure the Browns have won exactly one game in the past calendar year (counting the preseason)
  12. So I skimmed through the Browns game last night at about 9 pm. Ya know, just seeing if there was anything important I missed and whatnot… And then I stumbled upon something that puzzled the shit outta me- What the hell was Hue Jackson thinking before the end of the first half? The Browns had the ball 4th and 3ish at the Bengals 38. Instead of trying for a long field goal or running a play to try and get the first down, the Browns let the clock run out and took a 5 yard penalty to back them up to the 43. Why? The Browns had some momentum at this point and they also, um, haven’t won a game this entire season. Why not go for it at this point? Hue is supposedly this aggressive offensive mastermind, surely he could draw up a play to get three yards. C’mon coach, you refer to yourself in the third person. Have some faith in your guys. If you don’t get it, fine. The Bengals get the ball at the 38. You’re 0-6.
  13. So the Browns ended up punting the ball and downing it at the 15. Not a very good punt. Whatever. At this point the Bengals weren’t moving the ball too well and it seemed like they would be happy to run a few plays, run out the clock, and go to halftime. Browns would get the ball to start the second half… The Bengals ran a play and gained 5 yards… AND THEN HUE CALLED A TIMEOUT. With under a minute left.  Did he suddenly realize his team is 0-6 and he should be aggressive? Why. Why stop the clock after a 5 yard run? It’d make sense to call a timeout if the stout Browns defense sacked Andy Dalton or tackled Jeremy Hill in the backfield. But after a 5 yard gain? And he only had 1 timeout after that. It’s not like the Browns could have gotten the ball back anyway. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY ZERO POINT IN CALLING THIS TIMEOUT. It was basically just for shits and giggles. I repeat. There. was. no. point. in. calling. this. timeout. they. couldn’t. have. gotten. the. ball. back. anyway… Now would the Bengals have completed that Hail Mary if Hue wouldn’t have called the timeout? Perhaps. But this team is so devoid of talent, they can’t afford bad coaching decisions if they want to stay in a game. I don’t know if anyone really noticed this at the time because I didn’t really see anyone else make a big deal about it, but it’s little bad decisions like this that can cost a team a game.

0-7. Bring on the God damn Jets.

Go Tribe