Category Archives: Cleveland

Coming to Cleveland this summer: A 1,000 foot water slide

April 8, 2015 Mike Leave a comment

Slide the City, a traveling water entertainment company from Utah, is bringing its enormous, two-lane water slide to northeast Ohio this summer, with plans to hit three major cities: Cleveland, Akron, and Youngstown.

For a fee, riders can whiz through 1,000 feet of city streets on inner tubes or other flotation devices, which seems like a positively delightful way to take in our fine city.

Prices are on the steep side, clocking in at $15 for a single ride, $30 for three rides, and $50 for an unlimited pass. Depending on the package, inner tubes may also need to be rented.

$50 for unlimited rides down the slide? Um. Where do I sign up and here, take all the money in my wallet X 10…. 1,000 feet of pure unadulterated waterslide bliss. Where is this thing going to take place though? My guess is one of the hills in the flats you take to get to Shooters? I don’t know. A great hill would be the brick road under the bridge that runs next to the Aloft Hotel and Ernst & Young building… probably a little too steep though.

If I was running this thing I’d make sure there was a bar every 100 feet (what could go wrong?), not allow kids under 18, and try to keep the hipsters out because they ruin everything fun. No one wants to see your twirly mustache on a waterslide you doofus. Go buy a razor.

OVER/UNDER 12 inflatable swans spotted at this thing? I’m going way way over.

This is just more motivation to lose that spare tire you’ve been growing since football season started. I suggest the new diet that I’ve been on since Monday- Chicken noodle soup and V8 vegetable juice. That’s it. All nutrients all the time. Remember: A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Cleveland

You can play Pac-Man through the streets of Cleveland. No seriously though.

April 2, 2015 Mike Leave a comment

If you’ve been on Google maps lately (I don’t know why you would be, it’s not something where you’re like “Hey, let me go check out Google Maps and take peek at that one intersection” but whatever) you’ll notice they have a special feature that allows you to play Pac-Man on the streets of the map you’re looking at. If you need to go kill about 3 hours, I suggest you do this now. I played throughout Downtown Cleveland and it was a blast.

You can play it here

Started off pregaming with my friends on West 9th.

Then went for a quick beer on West 6th at Barley House. Big fan of their urinals with the girls pointing down and laughing at you.

Then circled around to First Energy Stadium where we said what’s up to Jimmy Haslam and Ray Farmer. Ray was planning a nice month long vacation in September.

Then we took a stroll down E. 9th to go check out how the renovations are going at Progressive Field. The huge concrete blocks look fantastic!

Went and had a beer on East 4th.

Then to cap the night off we ventured down to the flats to go to a certain Gentleman’s Club named after Larry Flynt. Google Maps labels it as “BOOTY CLUB #2.” Seriously. “Booty Club #2.” Outrageous.

Got a Pac-Man lapdance or ten there and decided to call it a night.

Go play Pac-Man in Cleveland here

Cleveland

The new Cleveland pedestrian bridge kinda sucks. Here’s how it would be way cooler

March 24, 2015 Mike 1 Comment

From Cleveland.com:

The county announced last week with the city of Cleveland and the nonprofit Group Plan Commission that construction of the bridge would be delayed until 2017. The city and county have pledged $10 million each toward the $25 million project, and the state of Ohio has kicked in $5 million.

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The design calls for a 900-foot-long “cable-stayed” pedestrian span extending from the northeast corner of the downtown Mall to the lawn between the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum and the Great Lakes Science Center at North Coast Harbor.

So this bridge is all the talk right now in Downtown Cleveland. A pedestrian bridge that’ll connect downtown to the lakefront/FirstEnergy Stadium/Rock Hall/Science Center. It was supposed to be completed by the Republican National Convention but that’s not happening anymore.

I mean, it’s pretty cool for a bridge I guess? If bridges can even be cool?

But then you think…$25 million for… a bridge… to walk on. I can go down to Home Depot, grab a couple 2x4s and some plywood and build a damn bridge for about $200… If we’re going to be spending that sort of money, we’re gonna need to spice this bridge up a little bit. Make this bridge a little more fun. Add some bells and whistles to this bridge. This is what we’re gonna do:

Beer Bong Station

The parking lot below the bridge is a prime tailgating lot for Browns games and concerts at First Energy Stadium. What better way to utilize the bridge than to make 5 huge beer bong funnels; hang them over the edge; and have the Browns faithful guzzling down cold delicious beer till they’re blue in the face. And besides, what’s better than doing a 40 foot beer bong off of a $25 million bridge? Nothing, that’s what.

However, we may put some Cleveland Police Officers out of a job

Moving sidewalks

For the lazies like me who hate walking to get places.

A POOL BAR

Hey suck it, South Beach. We have our own pool bars on the shores of Lake Erie. Complete with diving board, palm trees, and inflatable ~~swans~~ rafts for those rascals who enjoy a good float while guzzling champagne and whatnot.

An outdoor nightclub

Grab some speakers, get one of Cleveland’s top DJs, wheel in a shitload of booze and boom you basically have Shooters East. We’ll charge $5 a person and roll around in profits like Scrooge McDuck. This’ll be a place where Cleveland’s sexiest gather in their most stylish duds. It’ll be a place where people go to be seen. The best of the best will gather here. We’ll name it “Overpass” to go along with the bridge theme.

So how do you get this bridge to actually be worth 25 million dollars? You add beer bongs, moving sidewalks, a pool bar, and a nightclub. Screw this boring shit, let’s make Cleveland fun. Someone put me in contact with Frank Jackson, we’ve got a damn bridge to build.