With the news of the Dallas nurse flying through Hopkins a couple days ago, the Ebola scare in Cleveland is all the rage right now. Ebola this, Ebola that. Am I concerned? Yes. Am I worried? No, not really. I don’t have reason to be. If you’re keeping score at home Senegal just wiped the floor with Ebola’s face and Nigeria is up by 20 with 2 minutes left vs Ebola. Nigeria and Senegal. They don’t even have Playstation 4s or Dunkin Donuts there.

This led to us to start brainstorming ideas on the precautions you could take to avoid catching Ebola if you’re in the Cleveland area. In true Bottlegate fashion they’re super serious and not satirical at all.

Here you go, the Do’s and Don’ts of surviving Ebola in Cleveland:

DO take a dip in the Cuyahoga River- By now everybody knows the story of the Cuyahoga River catching on fire. Ebola doesn’t stand a damn chance in a river toxic enough to spontaneously catch fire at any time. If you come down with Ebola, go take a quick dip and the disease will wash right off of you.

DO NOT kiss anyone on West 6th- This should already be an ideology of yours. I’ve seen the clientele running around the sidewalks there at 1 AM on a Saturday and frankly catching Ebola should be the least of your problems. There are plenty of  other Sexually Transmitted Diseases for you to worry about. Don’t swap spit on West 6th.

DO subscribe to Netflix- You’re going to need a nice place to get away from everyone. What better way to spend a couple months than holed up in your bedroom while you binge watch all the seasons of Arrested Development and Breaking Bad?

DO NOT go to Africa- Seriously. Don’t go to Africa. Quit trying to be a hero. No one likes a try-hard.

DO drink heavily: I hear if you drink your weight (in oz.) of Christmas Ale you’re immune to EVERYTHING. Immune to feelings; immune to actually feeling anything at all; immune to talking clearly; immune to being a bad dancer; and immune to Ebola. It’s simple science, really.

DO NOT go to the gym- Too many germs, unwanted fluids, and body odor. Ever since I started Bottlegate a couple months ago I haven’t had a lot of time to work out and I am getting pretty plump feel GREAT. You’re not going to the NFL Combine any time soon, so quit kidding yourself. Fat people don’t catch Ebola. FACT.

DO stay the FUCK out of Texas- Remember that line from Full Metal Jacket- “Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy.” I’d like to edit that to “Only steers and queers and *Ebola* come from Texas”… Stay. The. Hell. Out. Of. Texas…. (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

DO NOT eat the urinal cakes at Hopkins Airport- This is self explanatory. If you’re hungry don’t eat the piss cakes from the airport. Easy enough.

DO start training your immune system- I’m a firm believer of the whole “Break to build” adage. This totally applies to your immune system. You have to train it to handle everything. Put it through “Germ Two A Days.” Start licking floors. Start not washing your hands. Purposefully let a sick child cough on you. This builds character. Before you know it you’ll have the strongest Immune System this side of the Mississippi. As RG3 once said- “No pressure, No diamonds.” Think about it.

DO have a gritty attitude- You’re from Cleveland. You’ve seen it all- The Shot, The Drive, Red Right 88, blah blah blah. You’re tough. You know how to persevere. You’re not gonna let some little West African Whooping Cough ruin your day. You’ve got places to be and people to see. Take a swig of some Cleveland Whiskey and kick that bitch ass disease right in it’s freaking mouth.

And that’s that. If you follow all these precautions there’s no way you’re catching anything besides tons of cool points. See you guys at the Browns-Raiders game.

PS- If you don’t see the relation between the Pittsburgh Steelers coming to town and then 2 days later there’s Ebola everywhere then you need to open your eyes.