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So can we address this “Serial Park Masturbator” in Brecksville now?

December 10, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

A Brecksville man was cited for disorderly conduct in federal court on Friday after admitting to a park ranger that he regularly masturbates in a Cuyahoga Valley National Park parking lot, among other public locations.

The man, Andrew Gill, was tracked down in late August after a woman reported to park rangers that a man in a blue Honda waved at her and then “held his genitals” and “masturbated” towards her from his car as she went by near the Red Lock trailhead. This was shortly after an Eastlake woman was reported missing in the park, and the woman says she “was afraid he may have something to do” with her disappearance, so she blocked him in the parking lot to protect other women in the lot.

The park ranger was able to track Gill down, and he admitted to everything the woman said, and more, according the citation just filed: “Gill admitted to knowing women were in the parking lot. He said she pulled his genitals out of his shorts and rubbed them and masturbated.”

Gill also told the ranger he’s been masturbating in parks for at least two years, including in the Brecksville Reservation of the Cleveland Metroparks.

“He said he deserves a couple days in jail,” the ranger wrote.

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Well that was quite the story, huh? Usually every day I wake up thinking I’m going to post something here about Cleveland sports. Maybe talk about Johnny Manziel being named starter or the Cavs winning their eighth game in a row. Today…. is not that day. Nope. Today we’re tackling the hard hitting topic of jacking off in your car.

First off, I frequently walk my dog in this park and this is weird to say the least. This is my dog. Stud, right?

Second, “Serial Park Masturbator” sticks with you forever. You never live that title down. You’ll always be known as the guy who masturbates inside of your car at city parks. No matter how successful you are in life and no matter how much money you make you’re known as the “jerks off in his car guy.”

In my 26 years of life I’ve heard of “serial killers” and “serial films” but I’ve never heard of a “serial park masturbator.” That’s easily the most specific and gross of the “serial” family.

I guess my main point is… Andrew, there’s this thing called the internet where’s there’s millions upon millions of hours worth of videos and pictures of anything you can imagine and it’s right at your fingertips. Seriously. Porn, Kermit the Frog memes, and cat videos are what the internet was made for. Instead of parking your car and watching dudes in short shorts and moms in jeans walk by you can sit in front of your laptop all day and search for whatever combination of nouns and adjectives your cooky little dirty mind can come up with! Crazy, I know. And unlike what you did, you can delete this history.

I love how the guy just casually mentions he’s been doing this for two years. “Yeah um sorry… So, 2 days? Yeah, that’s about right. My bad, guys.” Kinda have to respect his humility. Kinda?

It’s like that line from Mighty Ducks- “2 minutes? Well worth it.”

“There goes Andrew, the man who never heard of internet porn… and who jerks off in his car at city parks”

PS- Obligatory:

Browns

Buckle your ass up. Johnny Manziel is named starter for the Bengals game.

December 9, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

We all knew it was coming. After the debacle at First Energy Stadium on Sunday, this is the only choice. Johnny Manziel will make his first career NFL start vs. Andy Dalton and the Bengals. Division rival with the season on the line. Buckle up because this ride is going to have twists and turns and loops and drops and inversions and G-forces.. shit, the train might even fly off the tracks… or it may arrive safely at the station with all it’s riders laughing and smiling. I don’t know what the hell to expect but I know it’s going to be fun.

Is he going to fall flat on his face? Is he going to come out firing bullets, making defenders look foolish and then flashing the money sign in chumps’ faces? I don’t know. No one does. And I think the unknown is what makes this so exciting. We have NO IDEA what to expect Sunday afternoon at First Energy Stadium. We just handed the keys to the franchise (along with a suffering region’s playoff aspirations) to a 22 year old wildcard. Am I nervous? Absolutely. Eager? Yep.

I trust Kyle Shanahan 1000% to put Johnny in the best position to succeed and get him in a rhythm. Whether that be the read option, a couple of designed QB runs, or 9 straight play action rollouts, Shan knows what he’s doing.

Sunday begins a new era in Cleveland. It’s Manziel time. You better buckle the fuck up, keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times because we’re going for a whirl… hopefully it’s not too late…

(Photo made by our graphic design and t-shirt guru Zack D’Ulisse)

And go vote on Cleveland’s hottest professional athlete

Cavs

Cavs Rewind + The Week Ahead

December 9, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

Cavs Rewind + The Week Ahead (12/2-12/12)

Is it Monday again already? Where do the days go? Well I have to say, time really flies when the Cavs are hot. They began the week with a three game win streak and now have it up to it to six straight after knocking off the Bucks, Knicks, and Raptors. “We’re going streaking! Up through the quad to the gymnasium! Everybody’s doing it!”

Bucks:

Milwaukee gave us a better game than I thought they would. If I told you I wasn’t nervous with the game tied and less than five minutes less I’d be lying. Letting a young, hungry team like the Bucks hang around is dangerous. Another thing that’s dangerous is not having a 20 point lead in the 4^th when you play against LeBron and Kyrie. The Cavs scored 22 in the final 4:43 to hold on for a three point win. Cavs 111-108

Knicks:

LeBron v. Melo is always a good show. Although this edition Melo was a no show. He shot 4-17 for NINE points. If he plays anything like he normally does the Knicks win by 10. LeBron was in full point guard mode finishing with 12 assists. Kyrie was in F YOU mode and went off for 37. A friendly reminder of my prediction last week for Knicks-Cavs: “Both LeBron and Kyrie play their best basketball in the Mecca so look for at least 30 points from one of them.”

You can count on it that if I make a correct prediction I will remind you. Cavs 90-87.

Raptors:

I didn’t think we were going to win this game. We did. Happy to be wrong. It helps that the Raptors were without Demar DeRozan, maybe their best player, but they are still solid regardless. The Cavs got payback for a loss to Toronto at the Q a week earlier. I like to see the Cavs winning these “revenge” games, first against the Wizards and now against the Raptors. It’s another sign of the team continuing to gel after our slow start. Tristan Thompson had himself a game playing in from of his hometown crowd going for 21 & 14 and having a couple huge offensive rebounds in the 4^th quarter. Cavs 105-91.

UPCOMING:

Brooklyn Nets:

This isn’t fair because I’m typing this with 4:24 left in the 4^th quarter, (editor’s note: oops) but like I said these weeks fly by. Cavs started slow but we’re currently up 102-84 so I think we might pull this one off. Both Royal families in the building. William & Kate and Jay & Bey.

Toronto Raptors:

This is like my third Raptors game in two weeks, what the hell. We get them back at the Q and the winning streak is going to be at 7 going for 8. Going to be a dog fight. Let’s hope we continue to play like everyone expected us to when the Big CLE got formed.

Oklahoma City Thunder:

I was really hoping Durant and Westbrook would still be out when this game came up on the schedule. Not the case. They are both back and playing as well as ever. Actually the game will be WAY more fun considering there are probably five future hall of famers playing in it (too early to call Kyrie and Love future hall of famers?). I think if we beat Toronto Tuesday, we lose this game. Lose to Toronto, we’ll bounce back and beat the Thunder on the road.

New Orleans Pelicans:

Cavs get their second look at Anthony Davis and company after winning a shootout against them early in the season. Ryan Anderson isn’t going to score 21 in the first half again so I think we should be able to take care of business.