Tag Archives: curse

The Kardashian Curse Has Officially Infected Cleveland Sports

CLEVELAND, Ohio– The Indians won a ballgame Thursday night, but their postseason dreams ended.

CLEVELAND, Ohio- The Browns lost a heartbreaker on Sunday, but their postseason dreams were over before they began.

CLEVELAND, Ohio- The Cavs started workouts this week, but their season is probably over before it even started.

Why are all teams done, you ask?

khloetristan

September 2: The Day Every Cleveland Team’s Dreams Ended Before They Began.

Image result for khloe tristan thompson

Image result for khloe tristan thompson

So let’s start there, September 2nd. It was a nice Friday before Labor Day Weekend. Carlos Carrasco was on the mound for the Indians and he threw 7.1 innings of shutout ball vs. the Marlins. Little did we know that Carlos would be making one of his last starts of the year.

September 2nd was the day before the Browns would be cutting down their roster to 53 players.

September 2nd was the day it was announced on the Internet that Khloe Kardashian and our beloved NBA champion power forward Tristan Thompson were dating. Nothing good would come of this.

See, the Kardashians are kind of like Lupus. One minute you think you’re healthy and everything is going great. You’re happy. You’re loving life. Then BOOM, the next minute you can’t get out of bed, your leg has swollen up like a balloon, and your immune system is attacking your body from within.

And that’s the Kardashians. They sneak up on you like Lupus. No symptoms, no warning signs, nothing. Within a few days or weeks your immune system  or your team could be totally fucked. It doesn’t matter how dominant your starting rotation was supposed to be in the playoffs, or how good your stud rookies were looking (even if the team as a whole is a pile of shit), once the Kardashians reach your team and city, it’s a wrap.

Let’s take a look at the numbers. Since Khloe and Tristan were first rumored to be an item, the Indians lost 40% of their starting rotation and their starting catcher. The Browns lost a quarterback. Then another quarterback. And a center. And their rookie starting defensive end. And their rookie first round wide receiver who was coming off of a 5 catch 104 yards and 2 TD game.

  1. Carrasco
  2. Salazar
  3. Gomes
  4. Griffin III
  5. McCown
  6. Erving
  7. Nassib
  8. Coleman

EIGHT starting players in like 2 weeks. That’s absurd.

This isn’t a coincidence, guys. If any Cavalier tweaks something in the preseason I’m writing to our local congressman and starting a Change.org petition to put an end to this relationship. I’m not having THAT family be the reason the Cavs don’t repeat as champions. Hopefully it’s not too late but it probably is. 

Lupus has infected our city and we are so, so screwed.

 

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Don’t worry, guys. There’s going to be a ritual downtown to lift the Cleveland sports curse

Via Cleveland Scene

On Aug. 13 at 7 p.m. (just before the Browns’ first preseason game against the Washington Redskins), a group of fans led by local psychic medium Andrew Keith will hold a 30-minute rally to attempt to lift the curse that’s plagued Cleveland’s sports teams.

The gathering will be organized by Dave Grendzynski, a lifelong Cleveland sports fan who’s convinced that Cleveland’s history of losses have been more than just bad luck.

The Indians, Browns and Cavaliers will be each be represented symbolically by some grass, dirt or other item from their home fields. The rally hopes to aid all Cleveland sports teams, so the Gladiators and the Lake Erie Monsters won’t be left out.


 

OH FUCK YES!

Goodbye curse! Goodbye 4-12 record! Goodbye Factory of Sadness! Goodbye mediocre football!

Hello winning; hello success; hello touchdowns; hello Super Bowl!

If there’s one thing this city hasn’t done to rid themselves of this “curse”  it’s gathering downtown and participating in some sort of black devil magic ritual.  I’ll gladly show up in robes and face paint and slaughter an animal if need be. If we need pig’s blood I know a farm a couple of cities away where I could get some. What I’m saying is that I’M SO IN.

Maybe this is all we’ve needed since 1964? Just a nice Satanic themed party to somehow rid ourselves of the “Only In Cleveland” storm cloud that seems to pour down on us every season.  I’ll gladly sell my soul to the devil if that can guarantee a championship. Being pretty soulless as it is, this is a no brainer.

So I’ll see you guy’s on Thursday before the Browns preseason game vs. the Redskins. I’ll be the guy dressed like this:

satanic ritual

Besides, all curses and rituals performed in Cleveland have worked 100% of the time, right?

PS- LOVE how we included the Gladiators and Lake Erie Monsters in there. Definitely needed them in there to make this ritual authentic and legit.