“I’m Josh Gordon, even though I love getting high, you won’t find lower down payments than here at the Sarchione Auto Group.”
After one day on the job, Josh already looks like he’s the best car salesman in Ohio. He’s dressed kinda casual but still professionally enough that you know he’s not one of those sleazeball car salesmen. You know, the kind that when you shake their hand your hand is left with a greasy film on it because of all their hair gel. He’s approachable and ready to get you into that new car. Zero down and 0% APR.
What do you think Josh is thinking in this picture?
“Only a couple days now until I’m back on the field and not doing this shit anymore. Now where’s the blunt?”
I’m actually surprised he’s made it 2 days at this job to be honest.
Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the “Brownies”, get it? Kinda like “Grammys.” Ha! …Please dont X out.
Now introducing your 2014 winners.
PRESEASON AWARDS AND HONORS
Most improved (defense)– Armonty Bryant and Barkevious Mingo. If preseason was any sort of indication, these two 2013 picks are poised for breakout seasons. I truly belive that both of them will end up with double digit sack totals.
Most Improved (offense)– Jordan Cameron. “Wait but Mike, wasn’t Jordan Cameron a pro bowler last year?” Yes. He was. But the first couple of weeks he went bananas and surprised all of us. The combination of defenses recognizing his ability and soul-less Brandon Weeden throwing him the ball hindered the second part of his season. Expect Jordan to put together a strong, full season.
Most underrated (defense)– Karlos Dansby. The self proclaimed “best linebacker in the NFL” is going to have to step up big if this defensive unit wants to be one of the best in the league. Dansby is the anchor of the front seven. He may not blow you away with his stats, but the defense runs through him.
Most underrated (offense)– Joel Bitonio. Bitonio was drafted to fill the void of the left guard spot. He is the missing link that will allow the left side of the offensive line to be one of this team’s strengths.
Defensive Player of the Year– Joe Haden. After Josh Gordon, Joe Haden is the most talented player on the team. He’ll earn that big contact this year and expect him to be back in the pro bowl.
Offensive Player of the Year– Ben Tate. With a decimated receiving corps, look for the Browns to run. A lot. This means carry after carry for Ben Tate who has looked the part of a #1 back during the preseason. He’s the workhorse back that thrives in Kyle Shanahan’s offense.
MVP (Excluding Joe Thomas)– Ben Tate. If this team has ANY chance of winning, it will have to depend on Tate. Barring injury, Tate has a big year and is the best running back the Browns have trotted out since 1999.
PRESEASON SUPERLATIVES
Player most likely to get thrown out of a game for fighting:
Winner: Phil Taylor. RIP to the other guy.
Player most likely to pass out because he was too hyped up for player introductions
Winner: Joe Haden. Plays with the most emotion and passion on the team. I’m legit worried he’ll get dizzy running out of the tunnel vs. the Saints.
Player most likely to singlehandedly cost us a game (besides quarterbacks)
Winner: Mitchell Schwartz. OLE!
First player to jump into the Dawg Pound
Winner: Ben Tate
Class Clown
Winner: Alex Mack. No rhyme or reason to this one, he just seems like the type of goofball to pull pranks on rookies or rub Icy Hot in a teammates jock strap.
First player to hit the Shmoney Dance
Winner: Terrance West
Player most likely to be fined for an illegal hit on defense
Winner: Donte Whitner. No brainer here. He might actually be trying to murder Antonio Brown the first game.
Best Hair
Winner: Travis Benjamin. Just fantastic lettuce.
Best Looking
Winner: Jordan Cameron. Best looking guy in the league bar none. Expect a future Bottlegate post expressing my man crush on him.
Most exciting player
Winner: Johnny Manziel. The only thing more electric than his play on the field is when him and I became best friends for life at the Barley House.
If anyone was wondering, I just brushed shoulders with @JManziel2 at Barley House. Couldnt react though, had to act like I'd been there b4.
Winner: Pumpkinhead. This dude eats, sleeps, and breathes Cleveland Browns football. Love him. Anyone who can remain this optimistic after all the shit sandwiches Browns fans have eaten over the years deserves a freaking Nobel Peace Prize.
This guy below was runner up
Most likely to shit on the field
Winner: Swagger.
Runner-Up: Alex Mack. I don’t know, he’s the class clown and just kinda reminds me of a guy who would poop on the field and find it hilarious. I like those types of guys. You win with those guys.
And those are your winners, folks. Check back tomorrow for the Bottlegate Browns Preview Part 3- Gambling and Season Predictions.
Pro Football Talk– Broncos receiver Wes Welker is suspended for the first four games of the season, and Browns receiver Josh Gordon is suspended for the entire season. Both players have already appealed, and lost.
And yet there’s a chance that both players could still see their suspensions reduced.
As Mike Florio reported on NBC, Welker, Gordon and potentially other players in the midst of suspensions could benefit from a new drug testing policy that the owners and players could agree upon soon.
Another change is that the threshold to trigger a positive result on a marijuana test would rise. That would affect Gordon because his positive marijuana test was just barely above the NFL’s current threshold for a positive, which is significantly lower than the threshold for other organizations like the World Anti-Doping Agency.
If the NFL changes its policy and agrees to apply it retroactively to players who tested positive this year, Welker and Gordon would benefit. Which means that while the players’ union is stopping short of saying an agreement is very close, Welker and Gordon would be wise to call their union representatives and urge them to get the deal done, and get it done soon.
Get Drew Rosenhaus on the blower right now! Let’s get this damn deal done. Look out AFC North #12 is about to run wild on your asses. THE PETITION WORKED! Can’t Nobody Hold Josh down. Someone just hand us the Vince Lombardi Trophy right now. My preseason prediction just went from 10-6 to 12-4.
Bottlegate 