From the American Mustace Institute:
“The Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award recognizes the person who best-represents or contributes to the Mustached American community during the prior year, and is named in honor of the late and legendary performer Robert Goulet, whose voice, trademark mustache, sense of humor, and black leather jackets represented a quadruple-threat of talent the American Mustache Institute is proud to salute.”
“Led by Cy Young hopeful Corey Kluber as well as the proprietor of one of the most impressive names in baseball history – Lonnie Chisenhall – the Cleveland Indians vastly exceeded expectations after adopting what is considered to be the most mustache-friendly clubhouse policy in professional baseball. The pitching staff’s collection of sturdy lower nose units lifted their entire team’s prospects to near-playoff capacity and created a broad level of handsomeness not seen since Debra Winger left to pursue her Hollywood dreams.”
Never have I ever gone from not knowing something existed to needing something to survive so quickly. If we’re being honest, it’s a Pulitzer, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, maybe an Olympic gold and the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award. Everything else may as well be a participation ribbon. Past winners include retired New York City policeman Tim Galvin (guess what his nickname was? Hint: it was The Stache), Orlando firefighter Brian Sheets and former Indians pitcher John Axford, which is kind of a bummer but w/e. When Pittsburgh native Adam Paul Causgrove received his award in 2012, he was understandably emotional.
“This is the single greatest moment of my life, and that’s not an exaggeration,” he exclaimed with glee. “I’m very proud to be representing Mustached Americans (you’re goddamn right that’s a proper noun) both across our great country and abroad to inferior nations.”
Aaron, if I do say so myself, that’s the single greatest quote I’ve ever fucking read.
How it was only the pitching staff that was nominated when Jason Kipnis, Lonnie Chisenhall and Mike Aviles had some of the most mesmerizing dirt squirrels on the club is beyond me, but I digress.
T.J. House was the clubhouse leader in facial hair and to be honest it wasn’t even close.
Corey Kluber did it all on the mound for the Tribe this year, so why wouldn’t his facial hair do it all for his face?
Danny Salazar gave it the old college try.
Tyler Holt gives it all he’s got defensively and mustachively.
Your team needs you, Cleveland. Head over to the American Mustache Institute website and vote the Cleveland Indians Pitching Staff for the 2014 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award.