The Great Bacon vs. Sausage Debate is finally settled

Celtics v Lakers. Ohio State v Michigan. Pepsi v Coke. Team Edward v Team Jacob. Sausage v Bacon. The true rivalries of our generation. Which side you choose reveals a lot about your personality and who you are as a person. Are you a prisoner of the moment, always going with the cool fad? Then you’re most likely on team bacon. Are you your own person? Never following the norms of everyday life, a true American outlaw? Someone who knows no boundaries, who doesn’t let the shackles of society hold them back? Then that means you’re probably a sausage person.

Clint preferred sausage

See, the people who are all about this whole bacon craze are the same people who went ape shit over Chuck Norris jokes five years ago. The same people who still say “winning” because of Charlie Sheen. The same people who still make videos of them and their buddies doing the Harlem Shake. It’s just the popular thing to do. Bacon donuts, bacon on pizza, bacon cookies, bacon ice cream. It’s bacon overkill and I for one won’t stand for it any longer.

Sausage is a versatile meat. You’ve got links, you’ve got patties, you’ve got sausage gravy. The opportunities are fucking endless! Sausage-kabobs, sausage creole, sausage gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple sausage, lemon sausage, coconut sausage, pepper sausage, shrimp sausage, shrimp sausage, sausage salad, sausage and potatoes, sausage burger, sausage sandwich. That- that’s about it.

Bacon is all show no substance; like a Ferrari with a Prius engine tucked underneath the hood. Bacon is the supermodel who can’t write her name in cursive and can’t point to her home state on a map. Sausage is the cool, down to Earth chick who’s about a 7.5 and can hold a real life conversation without looking at her phone every three seconds. Sure the supermodel is good for a one night stand or two, but you marry the down to Earth chick. You hook up with bacon. You put a ring on sausage.

Bacon in woman form

So there’s that. The final ruling. Sausage is the undisputed heavyweight champion of the breakfast meat world. Bacon is definitely runner up but is a distant second. Bacon is the horse that came in second to Secretariat  at the 1973 Belmont. Sure you still get silver but you also lost by a record breaking margin. I can’t fault you if you’re still #TeamBacon. I can however definitely say you’ll probably grow old and die with nobody by your side if you continue to lie to yourself and claim that bacon is the superior food. So for all the sausage lovers out there, keep being you. Keep being that outlaw. Keep living the renegade lifestyle; And remember we’re all in this together.

PS- I posed this question on Twitter a little earlier and I’ll be honest, the results were staggering:

But that’s OK, I’m not one to pass judgment. I’m here to lead you into the light. #SausageForever

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