Introducing “This week in Cleveland Craigslist Missed Connections”

So, new feature we’re trying out here. I’ll be searching through the depths of the Cleveland Craigslist personal adds to try and find some of the funniest, most deranged postings Craigslist has to offer. I’ll be mostly focused in the “Missed Connections” category but if I’m feeling froggy I’ll delve into some of the darker and grosser Personals categories. I think there’s some potential here. Enjoy.

 

1cl1

And we’re off! My man here isn’t holding anything back. Looks like I’ll have to hit up the North Olmsted Walmart often and keep my eyes opened for this little blue thong “going down the crack.”


1cl2

“You should ALWAYS have the finest things in life”

Like a double chicken burrito from Chipotle. What a gentleman. (It’s almost actually physically impossible to sound more desperate than this guy)


1cl3

Bro. Next time you write a long Craigslist post about being turned on by the Asian cocktail waitress, please please please mix in a few periods or commas.

1cl4

Nothing says true love like black mini skirts, rocker boots, and the License Bureau.


1cl5

Short and to the point. “Katie you’re sexy and have a hot bod.” Period. End. The wings were probably good too.


1cl6

This is where things started to get a little weird in the Cleveland Missed Connections world. I noticed there’s this one poster who always writes these long winded “woe is me I miss my whore ex girlfriend” posts. Maybe he thinks his ex casually browses through the “missed connections?” I don’t know.

I do know that I really need to find out who “H” is. Seems like a real succubus. That “witchcraft can not stop it, you are old now and will never be a human being” line really threw me through a loop. Is this dude’s ex a real witch? Is that why they’re broke up? Could he not handle the witchcraft life? Should I even be posting about witches? What if she tracks this down and puts a spell on me? Shit. Welp, say goodbye to ol’ Bottlegate.com, I’ll probably be getting cursed soon.


1cl7

This one was actually pretty normal (read: not normal at all and very creepy, no one should remember all those details about a person) until he referred to his shirt as “OATMEAL COLORED.” Who the hell refers to anything as “oatmeal colored” in 2015? Craigslist Missed Connection posters, that’s who. Fucking creep.


1cl8

Speechless. Absolutely speechless. If you see a man with binoculars walking up and down Crocker Road this weekend while peeking into the office buildings, it might be me. Thanks to this woman for making this guy’s day.


1cl9

Dan sounds like a serial killer and I don’t think I’m exaggerating one bit. Someone needs to find this dude’s IP address.


1cl10

Not even a missed connection. Just a guy sitting behind his computer talking about how the hot chick at the gas station makes him  happy in the morning. So innocent, simple and so great.


And thus ends our first edition. If you happen to be browsing the Missed Connections page and see anything juicy, tweet us @Bottlegate or email us at Bottlegatecle@gmail.com

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