Category Archives: Cleveland

Cleveland

Cleveland man refuses to pay $2.25 train fare because he’s “the f***ing commander”

Leave a comment

rta

From Cleveland.com:

“A 39-year-old man flashed a Cleveland police badge and told an RTA train operator he didn’t have to pay the fare because he is “the f—–g commander,” according to a police report.”

“Philip Stryjewski boarded the train at Shaker Square about 6:25 p.m. Oct. 16. When he got on, he immediately flashed a Cleveland police badge.”

“RTA police found Stryjewski on the station’s platform. He admitted to flashing a badge. Officers repeatedly asked him where he worked. Stryjewski said he worked as a commander of security at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport, and as an instructor at a private security agency.”

“An airport spokeswoman confirmed that Stryjewski is not an employee there.”

First of all, props to the train operator for even responding, let alone insisting the guy pony up. If a some dude comes up to me claiming to be the fucking commander, I’m certainly not going to ask him for money. But this is just a classic case of lying to cover up a lie. “I’m the commander.” “No you’re not.” “I’m a cop.” “No you’re not.” “I only have a $50 dollar bill.” “No you don’t.” “I work security at the airport.” NO YOU FUCKING DON’T BRO. It’s a good bid by the guy but I’d say once the badge bit fails, just pay the goddamn fare. There’s no way he couldn’t afford it because there’s no way a lady cop would be banging a homeless guy right? Cause spoiler alert, RTA investigators, that’s one million percent how he got this badge. She didn’t give him, idiots. The fucking commander takes what he wants.

PS “Because I’m the fucking commander” is going to be my only response to any “Why” questions for the next, oh, six months.

Cleveland

The Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts of surviving Ebola in Cleveland

1 Comment

With the news of the Dallas nurse flying through Hopkins a couple days ago, the Ebola scare in Cleveland is all the rage right now. Ebola this, Ebola that. Am I concerned? Yes. Am I worried? No, not really. I don’t have reason to be. If you’re keeping score at home Senegal just wiped the floor with Ebola’s face and Nigeria is up by 20 with 2 minutes left vs Ebola. Nigeria and Senegal. They don’t even have Playstation 4s or Dunkin Donuts there.

This led to us to start brainstorming ideas on the precautions you could take to avoid catching Ebola if you’re in the Cleveland area. In true Bottlegate fashion they’re super serious and not satirical at all.

Here you go, the Do’s and Don’ts of surviving Ebola in Cleveland:

DO take a dip in the Cuyahoga River- By now everybody knows the story of the Cuyahoga River catching on fire. Ebola doesn’t stand a damn chance in a river toxic enough to spontaneously catch fire at any time. If you come down with Ebola, go take a quick dip and the disease will wash right off of you.

DO NOT kiss anyone on West 6th- This should already be an ideology of yours. I’ve seen the clientele running around the sidewalks there at 1 AM on a Saturday and frankly catching Ebola should be the least of your problems. There are plenty of  other Sexually Transmitted Diseases for you to worry about. Don’t swap spit on West 6th.

DO subscribe to Netflix- You’re going to need a nice place to get away from everyone. What better way to spend a couple months than holed up in your bedroom while you binge watch all the seasons of Arrested Development and Breaking Bad?

DO NOT go to Africa- Seriously. Don’t go to Africa. Quit trying to be a hero. No one likes a try-hard.

DO drink heavily: I hear if you drink your weight (in oz.) of Christmas Ale you’re immune to EVERYTHING. Immune to feelings; immune to actually feeling anything at all; immune to talking clearly; immune to being a bad dancer; and immune to Ebola. It’s simple science, really.

DO NOT go to the gym- Too many germs, unwanted fluids, and body odor. Ever since I started Bottlegate a couple months ago I haven’t had a lot of time to work out and I am getting pretty plump feel GREAT. You’re not going to the NFL Combine any time soon, so quit kidding yourself. Fat people don’t catch Ebola. FACT.

DO stay the FUCK out of Texas- Remember that line from Full Metal Jacket- “Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy.” I’d like to edit that to “Only steers and queers and *Ebola* come from Texas”… Stay. The. Hell. Out. Of. Texas…. (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

DO NOT eat the urinal cakes at Hopkins Airport- This is self explanatory. If you’re hungry don’t eat the piss cakes from the airport. Easy enough.

DO start training your immune system- I’m a firm believer of the whole “Break to build” adage. This totally applies to your immune system. You have to train it to handle everything. Put it through “Germ Two A Days.” Start licking floors. Start not washing your hands. Purposefully let a sick child cough on you. This builds character. Before you know it you’ll have the strongest Immune System this side of the Mississippi. As RG3 once said- “No pressure, No diamonds.” Think about it.

DO have a gritty attitude- You’re from Cleveland. You’ve seen it all- The Shot, The Drive, Red Right 88, blah blah blah. You’re tough. You know how to persevere. You’re not gonna let some little West African Whooping Cough ruin your day. You’ve got places to be and people to see. Take a swig of some Cleveland Whiskey and kick that bitch ass disease right in it’s freaking mouth.

And that’s that. If you follow all these precautions there’s no way you’re catching anything besides tons of cool points. See you guys at the Browns-Raiders game.

PS- If you don’t see the relation between the Pittsburgh Steelers coming to town and then 2 days later there’s Ebola everywhere then you need to open your eyes.

Cleveland

Garfield Heights woman punched by stranger hiding in her car

Leave a comment

Killer-in-the-backseat

From Cleveland.com:

“The woman parked her van in a lot on the 4000 block of Turney Road and returned with her 11-year-old son about 8 p.m. Oct. 11.

She opened the sliding door and a teenage boy wearing all black jumped out of the van, punched her in the stomach and then ran away.”

Yes, I kept the headline from cleveland.com because it made me laugh out loud.

And you’re all free to make your own decisions, but I’m probably avoiding the 4000 block of Turney Road for the time being. Two weeks ago a sweet 16 birthday party ended in pepper spray and looting. Now they have kids in all black hiding in cars and punching people in the stomach. In my head they’re like their own state, governing among themselves and following their own laws. Everybody else stays out and lets them do their thing. The 4000 block of Turney Road is pretty much the Vatican. Except they have no laws and don’t govern shit.

PS This had to be a dare or an initiation to the least violent gang of all time, right? Jumping out of the van and punching a lady in the stomach is much more like “Haha I hid in your car and scared you and your kid you stupid idiot” than “I’m hiding in your van because I’m going to fucking murder you.” Basically glorified flirting.

PPS I don’t give a shit how many times I get made fun of, THAT is why you always check your car for strangers in the back seat before getting in. And you’re goddamn right I check behind the shower curtain before going to the bathroom too.