Food | Bottlegate

Ah, Thanksgiving. One of the best holidays of the year. A holiday where you can eat like a gluttonous asshole, consume your weight in food, and drink until you can drink no more. Where overeating and stuffing your face until you can’t breathe is considered normal. Thanksgiving is the official start of #FatSeason, the imaginary totally made up season where it’s socially acceptable to get fat and it’s illegal to be judged for being a slob. Fat Season officially runs from Thanksgiving-Valentine’s Day.

We had a lot of back and forth on our Top 10 Thanksgiving foods… There was a tie at number 4. Even had an employee threaten to quit. People are passionate about what their favorites foods are to eat on Turkey Day.

Here’s how our list played out… but first enjoy this fire jame about Thanksgiving. No joke I listened to it about 8 straight times while making this list. It’s a banger and catchy as hell. It pretty much turns into an Iggy Azalea rap at around 2:30.

Honorable Mention

Cranberry Sauce

Doesn’t crack the top 10 but we’ve had the same guy on Twitter tweet us about 4 times for his love of cranberry sauce (but only the jellied, canned cranberry sauce, mind you) so we figured we’d throw him a bone. Adam if you’re reading this, we hear you.

Top 10

10. Sweet potatoes

The only, and I mean THE ONLY reason why sweet potatoes even sniffed this list is because Austin threatened to quit.

@Bottlegate if sweet potatoes aren't number 1 i quit

— Austin Ingraham (@aingraham17) November 24, 2014

Do you know how had it is to find a talented Indians writer? If we want to take Bottlegate to the next level, he needs to be on board. So to satisfy him, sweet potatoes made the list. (In reality, sweet potatoes blow and barely crack the top 10)

9. Green been casserole

Never had it. Have no intention to have it. Some guy on Twitter tweeted us that it’s his #1 so I guess it cracks the top 10. We give the people what they want and apparently they want green bean casserole. (Honestly didn’t even know what green bean casserole looked like. Thank you Google images)

8. Cheesy potatoes

Underutilized dish for sure. I don’t think cheesy potatoes are a staple at most family’s Thanksgiving feasts but they should be. Anytime you can add cheese to an already delicious food such as potatoes it’s a game changer. Not as classic as your traditional mashed potatoes but if the cheesy potatoes continue their upward trend, they could be a force to be reckoned with on our 2015 list.

7. Apple pie

It’s not my favorite pie, but it makes the list. There’s just something about eating 6 lbs of turkey and mashed potatoes and then washing it down with about 4 slices of apple pie. Plus it’s American as shit.

6. Turkey (white meat)

There’s two people in this world. The weirdos who prefer white meat, and the classy, distinguished people who prefer dark meat. What shade of meat someone prefers really says a lot about that person. White meat is pretty “meh,” but when it’s smothered in gravy it turns into a delicacy.

5. Pickles

A darkhorse for sure but I’m literally (yes literally) going to have myself about 17 pickles on Thursday. And for that, they make the top 10.

4. Pumpkin Pie (only if there’s whipped cream)

Disclaimer: Pumpkin Pie only makes this list if there’s whipped cream. No whipped cream and P. Pie might not crack the top 15. If you don’t put whipped cream on your pumpkin pie you might be a certified psycho.

4. Turkey (dark meat)

Ah, the meat of the Gods. The meat reserved for a king. How anyone would prefer white meat to this succulent, delicious, mouth watering poultry is Looney Tunes to me. Dark meat appeals to those gentlemen out there who have a distinguished sense of taste and appreciate the finer things in life.

3. Mashed Potatoes

In my opinion, the crown jewel of the list. No Thanksgiving dinner is complete without mashed potatoes. White, fluffy, savory goodness.

2. Stuffing

I’m admittedly not a stuffing guy, but I know the importance of stuffing to a Thanksgiving meal. People love it, swear by it, are smitten by it, go ape shit over it. Fights have been started over it, people have come to blows discussing it. Stuffing fans are a passionate bunch. For that reason alone, it cracks the top 5.

1. Gravy

The undisputed number one champion in all of the Thanksgiving foods. It may not be the most filling, but it’s the most important. Imagine Thanksgiving dinner without it. Dry turkey, unflavored mashed potatoes.. No fucking thanks. If you’re not making a lake of gravy on your Thanksgiving plate then you’re doing it all wrong. Your plate should look like a bowl of soup.

I love gravy. I love gravy on mashed potatoes. I love it on turkey. And I take gravy and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

And that’s it. The list to ends all lists. Enjoy Fat Season, you guys.

Celtics v Lakers. Ohio State v Michigan. Pepsi v Coke. Team Edward v Team Jacob. Sausage v Bacon. The true rivalries of our generation. Which side you choose reveals a lot about your personality and who you are as a person. Are you a prisoner of the moment, always going with the cool fad? Then you’re most likely on team bacon. Are you your own person? Never following the norms of everyday life, a true American outlaw? Someone who knows no boundaries, who doesn’t let the shackles of society hold them back? Then that means you’re probably a sausage person.

Clint preferred sausage

See, the people who are all about this whole bacon craze are the same people who went ape shit over Chuck Norris jokes five years ago. The same people who still say “winning” because of Charlie Sheen. The same people who still make videos of them and their buddies doing the Harlem Shake. It’s just the popular thing to do. Bacon donuts, bacon on pizza, bacon cookies, bacon ice cream. It’s bacon overkill and I for one won’t stand for it any longer.

Sausage is a versatile meat. You’ve got links, you’ve got patties, you’ve got sausage gravy. The opportunities are fucking endless! Sausage-kabobs, sausage creole, sausage gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple sausage, lemon sausage, coconut sausage, pepper sausage, shrimp sausage, shrimp sausage, sausage salad, sausage and potatoes, sausage burger, sausage sandwich. That- that’s about it.

Bacon is all show no substance; like a Ferrari with a Prius engine tucked underneath the hood. Bacon is the supermodel who can’t write her name in cursive and can’t point to her home state on a map. Sausage is the cool, down to Earth chick who’s about a 7.5 and can hold a real life conversation without looking at her phone every three seconds. Sure the supermodel is good for a one night stand or two, but you marry the down to Earth chick. You hook up with bacon. You put a ring on sausage.

Bacon in woman form

So there’s that. The final ruling. Sausage is the undisputed heavyweight champion of the breakfast meat world. Bacon is definitely runner up but is a distant second. Bacon is the horse that came in second to Secretariat at the 1973 Belmont. Sure you still get silver but you also lost by a record breaking margin. I can’t fault you if you’re still #TeamBacon. I can however definitely say you’ll probably grow old and die with nobody by your side if you continue to lie to yourself and claim that bacon is the superior food. So for all the sausage lovers out there, keep being you. Keep being that outlaw. Keep living the renegade lifestyle; And remember we’re all in this together.