USA | Bottlegate

“A potentially deadly disease carried by the “kissing bug” has made its way into more than half of the United States.

The inch-long triatomine bug is called the “kissing bug” because it has a habit of feeding on blood by biting around the lips and faces of people while they sleep, CNN reported.

It’s not the bite that’s deadly, but rather the bug’s other unfortunate habit of defecating on the bite afterward. Some kissing bugs are infected with the parasite Trypanosoma cruzi, which can be transmitted in the fecal material, and cause the potentially deadly Chagas disease.

Chagas disease most often causes flu-like symptoms like fever, body aches and vomiting. However, 20-30 percent of those infected with the disease can contract chronic conditions, including difficulty breathing, chest pains and sudden death. WECT-TV reports that these symptoms can remain dormant for up to 20 years.”

So just to run through that again real quick…the kissing bug is about an inch long, bites people, shits on their face and/or in their mouths, and can give you a deadly disease that can be dormant in your body for up to 20 years.

Nope.

What a dickhead this kissing bug is. Exactly no parts of its existence are okay. At one inch, it’s not enormous but any bug I can tell is a bug immediately without squinting and asking “Is that a bug?” deserves to die. It bites around your face and lips. I got chills just typing that sentence picturing one of these assholes crawling on my face. They then SHIT IN THE BITE HOLE THEY JUST MADE. What. Part. Of. That. Is. Okay? Plain and simple, in the animal kingdom, if you shit on the face of another living being, your entire species deserves to die a thousand deaths. Can you imagine some psychopath guy walking around biting people and pooping on their faces? In their mouths? Ghandi would buy a glock on the black market and ship it to Mother Teresa so she could put a clip into him herself. And I thought the morning anxiety I get after a night of drinking was bad…I’m going to wake up wondering if a bug bit and shit on me every morning for the rest of my life. Thanks, Obama.

Talk about gun control and taxes and walls all you want, 2016 presidential candidates, but if you want this blogger’s vote, eradicate the balls out of the kissing bug.

Good luck @landondonovan with your last #USMNT game tomorrow. Early congrats on your retirement. @ussoccer

— Patrick Kane (@88PKane) October 10, 2014

A massive thank you goes out to @landondonovan for all you have done and sacrificed for growing the game! #LegenD

— Abby Wambach (@AbbyWambach) October 10, 2014

Best wishes to @landondonovan in his send off tonight! Thanks for inspiring a generation & helping to grow the beautiful game! #LegenD

— Hope Solo (@hopesolo) October 10, 2014

I know the cool, macho American thing to do is to hate on soccer but bear with me for a second. Landon Donovan has been the face of US Soccer for nearly 20 years. He’s second all-time in caps (appearances) with 156. He’s the all-time leader in goals (57) and assists (58). He was named US Soccer Athlete of the Year four times, played in three FIFA World Cups and helped the USA reach as high as 10th in the FIFA World Rankings in 2003. Oh yeah he also scored probably the most memorable goal in USA history:

If those USA chants don’t give you chills, get right up on out of here.

Donovan has his fair share of records domestically as well. He’s the MLS all-time leader in goals (143), assists (136), playoff goals, playoff assists and is 6th in minutes played. Other than that, pretty ho-hum career for #10.

Despite being inexplicably left off the 2014 World Cup roster by Jurgen Klinsmann, Donovan has continued to be about as classy of an ambassador for his sport as you could ask for. He took the snub in stride, even had a sense of humor about it. (Which is bananas to me. He’s denied his last chance to play in a WC and he’s able to make a pretty damn funny commercial about it? He’s a bigger man than me, that’s for damn sure)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=he2t3zNCEgk

Honestly though. I understand Klinsmann wanted a “changing of the guard” of sorts, but that last match against Belgium, deadlocked 0-0, who do you want coming off the bench? An MLS journeyman with 32 national caps (Wondolowski), a 19 year old (Green) or the greatest player in United States history? I know Green ended up scoring but c’mon son. Give me the captain.

I know I’ll be watching the match tonight at 7 on ESPN and I also know most of you won’t, and that’s cool. But give the guy some props for an outstanding career wearing the red white and blue.

#RE10PECT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyXru82YnX4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQHCBUs59OM

Cleveland