Tag Archives: Ebola

The Top 10 Do’s and Don’ts of surviving Ebola in Cleveland

October 17, 2014 Mike 1 Comment

With the news of the Dallas nurse flying through Hopkins a couple days ago, the Ebola scare in Cleveland is all the rage right now. Ebola this, Ebola that. Am I concerned? Yes. Am I worried? No, not really. I don’t have reason to be. If you’re keeping score at home Senegal just wiped the floor with Ebola’s face and Nigeria is up by 20 with 2 minutes left vs Ebola. Nigeria and Senegal. They don’t even have Playstation 4s or Dunkin Donuts there.

This led to us to start brainstorming ideas on the precautions you could take to avoid catching Ebola if you’re in the Cleveland area. In true Bottlegate fashion they’re super serious and not satirical at all.

Here you go, the Do’s and Don’ts of surviving Ebola in Cleveland:

DO take a dip in the Cuyahoga River- By now everybody knows the story of the Cuyahoga River catching on fire. Ebola doesn’t stand a damn chance in a river toxic enough to spontaneously catch fire at any time. If you come down with Ebola, go take a quick dip and the disease will wash right off of you.

DO NOT kiss anyone on West 6th- This should already be an ideology of yours. I’ve seen the clientele running around the sidewalks there at 1 AM on a Saturday and frankly catching Ebola should be the least of your problems. There are plenty of other Sexually Transmitted Diseases for you to worry about. Don’t swap spit on West 6th.

DO subscribe to Netflix- You’re going to need a nice place to get away from everyone. What better way to spend a couple months than holed up in your bedroom while you binge watch all the seasons of Arrested Development and Breaking Bad?

DO NOT go to Africa- Seriously. Don’t go to Africa. Quit trying to be a hero. No one likes a try-hard.

DO drink heavily: I hear if you drink your weight (in oz.) of Christmas Ale you’re immune to EVERYTHING. Immune to feelings; immune to actually feeling anything at all; immune to talking clearly; immune to being a bad dancer; and immune to Ebola. It’s simple science, really.

DO NOT go to the gym- Too many germs, unwanted fluids, and body odor. Ever since I started Bottlegate a couple months ago I haven’t had a lot of time to work out and I ~~am getting pretty plump~~ feel GREAT. You’re not going to the NFL Combine any time soon, so quit kidding yourself. Fat people don’t catch Ebola. FACT.

DO stay the FUCK out of Texas- Remember that line from Full Metal Jacket- “Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy.” I’d like to edit that to “Only steers and queers and *Ebola* come from Texas”… Stay. The. Hell. Out. Of. Texas…. (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

DO NOT eat the urinal cakes at Hopkins Airport- This is self explanatory. If you’re hungry don’t eat the piss cakes from the airport. Easy enough.

DO start training your immune system- I’m a firm believer of the whole “Break to build” adage. This totally applies to your immune system. You have to train it to handle everything. Put it through “Germ Two A Days.” Start licking floors. Start not washing your hands. Purposefully let a sick child cough on you. This builds character. Before you know it you’ll have the strongest Immune System this side of the Mississippi. As RG3 once said- “No pressure, No diamonds.” Think about it.

DO have a gritty attitude- You’re from Cleveland. You’ve seen it all- The Shot, The Drive, Red Right 88, blah blah blah. You’re tough. You know how to persevere. You’re not gonna let some little West African Whooping Cough ruin your day. You’ve got places to be and people to see. Take a swig of some Cleveland Whiskey and kick that bitch ass disease right in it’s freaking mouth.

And that’s that. If you follow all these precautions there’s no way you’re catching anything besides tons of cool points. See you guys at the Browns-Raiders game.

PS- If you don’t see the relation between the Pittsburgh Steelers coming to town and then 2 days later there’s Ebola everywhere then you need to open your eyes.

Viral

Rule #1 of flying- Don’t sneeze and then tell people you were just in West Africa

October 10, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

Good God, dude. Sneezing and then telling people you were in West Africa in 2014 is the equivalent of yelling “BOMB” on a plane in 2001. Have you turned on the TV at all in the past couple weeks or so? The only thing that’s ever mentioned on every news station is Ebola. Ebola this, Ebola that. The whole nation is walking on pins and needles in fear of this epidemic wiping out the population and you’re sitting in Seat 9A cracking jokes like you’re Richard Fucking Pryor. “HAHAHA let’s joke about a disease that has already wiped out thousands of people in Africa and is now confirmed in the U.S. HEHEHE!!!”

From the person who took the video:

Once we landed in Punta Cana we were told by the flight attendants that there was a situation and that a passenger may have been in Africa and had Ebola. She was certain it was a hoax but they did not take any chances and had a full hazmat crew board the plane and take the passenger off. It was later confirmed that the passenger was never in Africa and after 2hrs we were finally able to get off the plane.

This sucks for the people who just landed in Punta Cana though. You want to go enjoy your vacation and frolic on the beach but you’re stuck on an airport runway (probably next to someone’s annoying kids) for 2 hours because some asshole thought he was hilarious. No punishment is too harsh for this bozo.

Cleveland

Man Dressed as Isis Terrorist (with Ebola) on a boat casually strolls into the Rock&Roll Hall of Fame

September 9, 2014 Mike 1 Comment

Before we get started, this guy-

Total dork.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, this is actually terrifying. The Rock Hall is located adjacent to First Energy Stadium. You know, the place where 70,000 people all gather at once for 8 Sundays every fall to cheer on the Browns. I imagine Ebola and/or Ricin could do some damage there. I peed a little when I saw this shot:

So this is bad, bad news. You have to sit next to thousands of drunk, sweaty fans watching the Browns AND on top of that you get Ebola! Just think, you get to watch the Browns get outscored in the first half by 3 touchdowns…then make a sweet comeback in the second half… only to lose on a last second field goal…THEN a couple days later your eyeballs pop out of your head, you shit every organ out of your body, and you die a slow painful death from Ebola (sounds like a metaphor for watching an entire Browns game actually). Talk about a shitty (pun intended) way to spend your Sunday afternoon. If you need me next Sunday, I’ll be sprawled out on my recliner watching Sunday Ticket in HD, drinking a Budweiser, thriving, and not getting Ebola.