Honest question: Can a film win a film festival before the festival even begins? Because if I were another filmmaker at the Cleveland Film Festival I’d pack up my cameras & equpiment; grab my Super 8 Camera and tripod, put away my 8mm film and go the fuck home.
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, Super Pimp is the Crown Jewel of Cleveland. The Downtown Dignitary. The pioneer of pimps. That’s why I picked him as my #2 choice of who should get their own statue in downtown Cleveland. The man is a local legend and if you try and deny that you’re a straight up moron/probably don’t get out very much.
No joke I see this movie dominating the Cleveland Film Festival; moving onto Sundance and dominating again; then moving on to Cannes and doing what Vincent Chase and Billy Walsh couldn’t and get the “Super Pimp” film made into a studio production. Maybe get James Cameron onboard. Maybe Marty Scorcese, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.
So on Twitter earlier this week we started to kick around the idea that if you had the first pick in a Fantasy draft of football movie and TV characters, who would be the #1 pick? Being the Friday Night Lights fan that I am, I would pick Tim Riggins. Texas Forever, no questions asked.
That got the wheels turning and pretty soon I was putting together an entire team filled with on-screen football legends. The Waterboy, Little Giants, Blue Mountain State, etc. are all represented.
A few rules: No professional football players aka no Terrell Owens from Any Given Sunday or Bill Romanowski from The Longest Yard.
First up, the defense. We’ll run a standared 3-4. You’d be surprised how many really good linebackers there are in football movies. Cornerback is a weakness but that won’t be a problem with the amount of pressure we’ll put on the quarterback. We’re sending at least 2 guys on blitzes every play.
Defensive Coordinator- Bill Yoast (Remember The Titans)
Anyone who can give a speech like this on the sidelines in the middle of a game will be my DC 100 out of 100 times.
DL- Lattimer (The Program)
Easy choice here. Size, strength, intensity… only if he’s on the juice though. Has some of the most intimidating face paint you’ll ever see. Need guys like him to take on double teams and free up lanes for the inside linebackers. Athletic enough to drop into coverage and strong enough to shed blockers at the line. STARTING DEFENSE PLACE AT THE TABLE.
DL- Julius Campbell
All-American. Quick off the edge. Had one of the best speeches of the movie. “Attitude reflect leadership, captain”
DL- Switowski (The Longest Yard)
No explanation needed.
ILB- Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)
Absolute no brainer. Old school throwback player that plays with a tenacity that makes Ray Lewis seem like Todd from Wedding Crashers. As long as his batshit crazy mother stays away, he’ll be the leader on defense.
ILB- Spike (Little Giants)
Has all the intangibles and plays with a refrigerator chip on his shoulder. Typical angry pre-teen who was probably on HGH as an 11 year old. Was the kid in sports who hit puberty before everyone else and dominated the little leagues. I mean, the motherfucker carried refrigerators and did pull ups on his dad’s arm for fun. Also speaks in third person (must be all the human growth hormone)
OLB- Thad Castle (Blue Mountain State)
Every team needs a Gronk on it and ours is no different. Keeps the huddle light hearted but can also rush the hell out of the quarterback. When he’s not hungover/drunk/high he could be the defense’s most talented player.
OLB- Luke Cafferty (Friday Night Lights TV)
Barely made the cut. Doesn’t possess the size and strength of the prototypical outside linebacker but makes up for it with his toughness and smarts on the field.
If he stays away from that idiot Becky, he’ll be alright. Sidenote: Becky is the worst character from any TV series ever. THE WORST.
HATE YOU BECKY.
CB- Alan Bosley (Remember The Titans)
Makes the team on looks alone. Isn’t great at coverage, gets burned occasionally but is the exemplary teammate as evidenced by giving up his spot to Petey Jones. The last of a dying breed of white cornerbacks. Jason Sehorn 2.0.
Pretty solid dancer too
CB- Earl Wilkinson
Criminal and former star defensive back. Brings a nastiness and toughness to the position to contrast Gosling’s (Alan) finesse style of play
(guy on the left)
SS- Torres (The Longest Yard)
Smokes cigarettes on the field. Wears 00. Mean spirited and plays with a chip on his shoulder. Great downhill speed but below average coverage skills. Loves daytime talk shows.
FS- Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)
Captain. Tenacious. Love my DB’s wearing single digit numbers. Will rack up a penalty a game for a late hit.
K- Nigel Gruff
Because every team needs a swearing, alcoholic, degenerate gambling Welsh kicker on their team. Nigel and Torres can share cigarettes on the field.
So, what do you think? Leave your comments/suggestions below or tweet us @Bottlegate, bitches
“EUCLID, Ohio — An 85-year-old Euclid man’s home has become the target of mysterious egging attacks that began in March 2014 and haven’t stopped.
Clemens green two-story house sits on the corner of Wilmore Avenue and East 210th Street. He and his wife bought the home as newlyweds about 60 years ago. Though his wife has since passed away, Clemens still lives there with his 49-year-old daughter and 51-year-old son.
The house has been pelted with eggs several times a week — sometimes more than once a day — for the past year. The attacks always happen after dark and last around 10 minutes each.
The family has been awoken as late as 2 a.m. by what sounds like the crack of a gunshot against the aluminum siding or front door. Clemens and police believe the eggs are being launched from a block or two away.”
I’m not gonna copy and paste the whole article here but do yourself a favor, click the link and go read the entire thing. A thousand words broken up into three (!) sections about “stealth egg attacks”. God damnit I love America.
First off, the article itself. It’s just one giant troll job by Cleveland.com right? Like the family pestered and pestered them to do a story on this, they finally caved (“Alright alright we’ll do the fucking story!”) but decided to write it in the most absurd fashion possible. I mean there’s murders every other day on cleveland.com that get a third of the words this “crime” got.
“”The accuracy is phenomenal,” Albert Clemens, Sr. said.”
“Euclid police have not taken the investigation lightly. They’ve spent a year doing undercover stakeouts, canvassing the neighborhood and even sending eggshells for testing. “
“The guilty parties don’t appear to be intimidated by police interest in the case. An officer last year was taking a report when a barrage of eggs was launched at the house. One hit him in the foot.”
Just fantastic stuff. I used to see how ridiculous I could make my papers sound for Religious Texts class in college, but this blows any of my work clear out of the water. Tip of the cap to you, Ryllie Danylko (possible fire emoji?).
As far as the story goes…these cats are launching eggs from TWO BLOCKS AWAY and consistently hitting the front door?
Are any of them free once a week from like the beginning of September to the end of December?
PS Check out the comments on the article. Folks are getting HEATED. Drones are discussed.
Bottlegate 