Tag Archives: movies

Jonathan Moxon Was A Bad Quarterback And A Bad Person

Varsity Blues. The movie every kid who played high school football in the late 90s/early to mid 2000s watched and the movie every kid wished their high school football career would resemble. Lance Harbor, Jonathan Moxon, Billy Bob, Bud Kilmer, whipped cream bikinis, stealing cop cars, Miss Davis, the Oopty Oop, Foo Fighters, and Texas football. It was the perfect 90s movie and is still one of my favorite flicks to this day. I’ll watch Varsity Blues every time it’s on no matter what I’m doing.

This month The Ken Carman Show on 92.3 ran a poll to crown the best movie quarterback of all time. They’ve got all the usuals- Paul Crewe, Steamin Willy Beamen, Shane Falco, Sunshine, Joe Kane, etc. But one name really sticks out- you know him as James Van Der Beek in real life. He’s the temper tantrum throwing, me-first, immature, sanctimonious, bad role model backup quarterback who wears #4 for the West Canaan Coyotes. He’s Jonathan Moxon. “Mox,” if you will. On the surface Mox is the hero protagonist of the movie. The classic story- the backup quarterback who comes out of nowhere to lead his team to big wins and becomes the toast of the town. He’s the gritty everyman quarterback that even the least athletic viewer can relate to.

But once you unpeel the layers of Jon Moxon you discover that he’s actually an asshole and actually kind of a big asshole.

Sure Mox looks cool throwing passes to the tune of The Foo Fighters “My Hero.” But then again, anyone doing anything looks cool when it’s to the tune of The Foo Fighters. Doing dishes to ‘Everlong?’ Awesome. Mowing the lawn to ‘All My Life?’ Badass. You know what’d look better than Jon Moxon throwing passes to “My Hero?” Lance Harbor throwing passes to “My Hero.”

He took his teammates to the strip club the Thursday night before a big game. At the strip club he encouraged his teammates to get drunk while knowing they had class the next day. Mind you these high school players are 17 and 18 years old and last I checked the legal drinking age was 21. The players would show up to Friday night’s game completely hungover and play horribly. West Canaan would lose the game.


-His brother Kyle runs a cult. Not saying Mox should be judged by his family member’s actions, but someone’s flesh and blood being an admitted cult leader should raise a few red flags. Who knows what wasn’t shown in the movie. We don’t know if Mox was really the cult’s ringleader behind the scenes. We know that Mox is very persuasive (convincing his teammates to get drunk at a strip club before a game) so there’s no telling what he could do as a cult leader.


He wears this necklace


He was a witness to a vehicle robbery, drunk driving, and lewd behavior.

When Charlie Tweeder pulls up to Mox in a stolen cop car with a bunch of nude women in the car you’d think that the leader of a football team would encourage Charlie to get out of the car and find him a ride home. Nope. Mox does nothing and puts Charlie’s life, the girls’ lives, and West Canaan residents’ lives in danger by doing nothing. Just no regard for anyone’s life but his own. Sad.


-Why does the backup quarterback get to sit shotgun while the starter, All-Texas, and Florida State recruit sits in the bed of Billy Bob’s pickup truck? This is the opening scene of the movie and already you can sense the rift between QB1 and QB2. Are we so naive to think that climbing into the bed of that pickup truck everyday didn’t contribute to Lance’s knee injury? Is Moxon solely responsible for Lance’s ACL injury because he selfishly sat in the front seat while Lance was subjected to the truck bed? Most likey, yes.


He’s inaccurate. Remember that little “beer can on top of the head” William Tell competition with the Moxons and the Harbors? Mox’s inaccurate throw broke his father’s nose and brought shame to the Moxon name. Some people may say Mox was trying to hit his dad in the face on purpose. A popular theory, sure. If that’s the case do you really want your quarterback to be an immature hothead who cracks under pressure? I don’t. This pivotal scene proved Mox has no accuracy or that he’s a loose cannon who throws temper tantrums. You pick.

He fails to shine in the big moment. When Ali Larter appears in the infamous whipped cream bikini Mox shells up and is unsure of himself. A touch down is right in front of him but he can’t cross the goal line. Remember when Cam Newton didn’t jump on that fumble vs the Broncos in the Super Bowl? This was worse. It’s a game of inches and you cant win the big game if you’re afraid to score.

There’s also the fact that he moved in on Lance Harbor’s girlfriend while he was in the hospital heartbroken and recovering from a torn ACL. Some friend you are, Mox.

So while Mox was doing this:

Lance was doing this:

Made at FreeGifMaker.me


Talk about leaving your bellcow running back out to dry. I’m not so sure this hit didn’t contribute to Wendell’s injury down the road

Made at FreeGifMaker.me

Instead of just spiking the ball to preserve the clock, Mox decides to showboat and throw the football at the opposing team’s mascot. Not only is this an asshole move, he also loses precious seconds at the end of the game by throwing the ball to the sideline instead of at the Center’s feet. Just a totally unnecessary move. He’s a dick with no awareness. You really want that to lead your football team?

A man that doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices his father has made for him is not a man I want leading my football team. No respect for his father, no respect for his injured teammates in the hospital, no respect for his coach, no respect for relationships, no respect for football.

If he didn’t have a locker room full of teammates to break up a fight, he would have gotten beat up by a 60 year old. Mox talks a big game but he’s all bark no bite when Kilmer comes at him. Just look at the terror in this face:


I hope I’ve opened your eyes a little bit to the farce that is Jonathan Moxon. Now if you want to debate who the real best movie quarterback of all time is, the argument ends and starts here:


Building a Football Roster of Movie Characters; The Defense

So on Twitter earlier this week we started to kick around the idea that if you had the first pick in a Fantasy draft of football movie and TV characters, who would be the #1 pick? Being the Friday Night Lights fan that I am, I would pick Tim Riggins. Texas Forever, no questions asked.

That got the wheels turning and pretty soon I was putting together an entire team filled with on-screen football legends. The Waterboy, Little Giants, Blue Mountain State, etc. are all represented.

A few rules: No professional football players aka no Terrell Owens from Any Given Sunday or Bill Romanowski from The Longest Yard.

First up, the defense. We’ll run a standared 3-4. You’d be surprised how many really good linebackers there are in football movies. Cornerback is a weakness but that won’t be a problem with the amount of pressure we’ll put on the quarterback. We’re sending at least 2 guys on blitzes every play.


Defensive Coordinator- Bill Yoast (Remember The Titans)

 Anyone who can give a speech like this on the sidelines in the middle of a game will be my DC 100 out of 100 times.


DL- Lattimer (The Program)

Easy choice here. Size, strength, intensity… only if he’s on the juice though. Has some of the most intimidating face paint you’ll ever see. Need guys like him to take on double teams and free up lanes for the inside linebackers. Athletic enough to drop into coverage and strong enough to shed blockers at the line. STARTING DEFENSE PLACE AT THE TABLE.

DL- Julius Campbell

All-American. Quick off the edge. Had one of the best speeches of the movie. “Attitude reflect leadership, captain”

DL- Switowski (The Longest Yard)

No explanation needed.


ILB- Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)

Absolute no brainer. Old school throwback player that plays with a tenacity that makes Ray Lewis seem like Todd from Wedding Crashers. As long as his batshit crazy mother stays away, he’ll be the leader on defense.


ILB- Spike (Little Giants)

Has all the intangibles and plays with a refrigerator chip on his shoulder.  Typical angry pre-teen who was probably on HGH as an 11 year old. Was the kid in sports who hit puberty before everyone else and dominated the little leagues. I mean, the motherfucker carried refrigerators and did pull ups on his dad’s arm for fun. Also speaks in third person (must be all the human growth hormone)

OLB- Thad Castle (Blue Mountain State)

Every team needs a Gronk on it and ours is no different. Keeps the huddle light hearted but can also rush the hell out of the quarterback. When he’s not hungover/drunk/high he could be the defense’s most talented player.

OLB- Luke Cafferty (Friday Night Lights TV)

Barely made the cut. Doesn’t possess the size and strength of the prototypical outside linebacker but makes up for it with his toughness and smarts on the field.

If he stays away from that idiot Becky, he’ll be alright. Sidenote: Becky is the worst character from any TV series ever. THE WORST.



CB- Alan Bosley (Remember The Titans)

Makes the team on looks alone. Isn’t great at coverage, gets burned occasionally but is the exemplary teammate as evidenced by giving up his spot to Petey Jones. The last of a dying breed of white cornerbacks. Jason Sehorn 2.0.

Pretty solid dancer too

CB- Earl Wilkinson

Criminal and former star defensive back. Brings a nastiness and toughness to the position to contrast Gosling’s (Alan) finesse style of play

(guy on the left)

SS- Torres (The Longest Yard)

Smokes cigarettes on the field. Wears 00. Mean spirited and plays with a chip on his shoulder. Great downhill speed but below average coverage skills. Loves daytime talk shows.


FS- Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)

Captain. Tenacious. Love my DB’s wearing single digit numbers. Will rack up a penalty a game for a late hit.



K- Nigel Gruff

Because every team needs a swearing, alcoholic, degenerate gambling Welsh kicker on their team. Nigel and Torres can share cigarettes on the field.

So, what do you think? Leave your comments/suggestions below or tweet us @Bottlegate, bitches

Stay tuned for the offense


Watch the Jurassic World trailer for the dinosaurs, stay for Chris Pratt

My oh my is Chris Pratt a thing of beauty. Will this finally be the movie that makes me think of him as something other than Scott Hatteberg? Probably not. But I’ll see it for him anyway.

I’m not really a Jurassic Park guy (i.e. I’ve never seen any of them) but I did enjoy this trailer. And by enjoy I mean I yelled “Jesus Christ” out loud alone in my living room when that enormous sharkish monster popped up from the sea. Exactly why I never go far enough into the ocean to where I can’t touch. You never know what’s down there, man.