Category Archives: Movies

Jonathan Moxon Was A Bad Quarterback And A Bad Person

Varsity Blues. The movie every kid who played high school football in the late 90s/early to mid 2000s watched and the movie every kid wished their high school football career would resemble. Lance Harbor, Jonathan Moxon, Billy Bob, Bud Kilmer, whipped cream bikinis, stealing cop cars, Miss Davis, the Oopty Oop, Foo Fighters, and Texas football. It was the perfect 90s movie and is still one of my favorite flicks to this day. I’ll watch Varsity Blues every time it’s on no matter what I’m doing.

This month The Ken Carman Show on 92.3 ran a poll to crown the best movie quarterback of all time. They’ve got all the usuals- Paul Crewe, Steamin Willy Beamen, Shane Falco, Sunshine, Joe Kane, etc. But one name really sticks out- you know him as James Van Der Beek in real life. He’s the temper tantrum throwing, me-first, immature, sanctimonious, bad role model backup quarterback who wears #4 for the West Canaan Coyotes. He’s Jonathan Moxon. “Mox,” if you will. On the surface Mox is the hero protagonist of the movie. The classic story- the backup quarterback who comes out of nowhere to lead his team to big wins and becomes the toast of the town. He’s the gritty everyman quarterback that even the least athletic viewer can relate to.

But once you unpeel the layers of Jon Moxon you discover that he’s actually an asshole and actually kind of a big asshole.

Sure Mox looks cool throwing passes to the tune of The Foo Fighters “My Hero.” But then again, anyone doing anything looks cool when it’s to the tune of The Foo Fighters. Doing dishes to ‘Everlong?’ Awesome. Mowing the lawn to ‘All My Life?’ Badass. You know what’d look better than Jon Moxon throwing passes to “My Hero?” Lance Harbor throwing passes to “My Hero.”

He took his teammates to the strip club the Thursday night before a big game. At the strip club he encouraged his teammates to get drunk while knowing they had class the next day. Mind you these high school players are 17 and 18 years old and last I checked the legal drinking age was 21. The players would show up to Friday night’s game completely hungover and play horribly. West Canaan would lose the game.


-His brother Kyle runs a cult. Not saying Mox should be judged by his family member’s actions, but someone’s flesh and blood being an admitted cult leader should raise a few red flags. Who knows what wasn’t shown in the movie. We don’t know if Mox was really the cult’s ringleader behind the scenes. We know that Mox is very persuasive (convincing his teammates to get drunk at a strip club before a game) so there’s no telling what he could do as a cult leader.


He wears this necklace


He was a witness to a vehicle robbery, drunk driving, and lewd behavior.

When Charlie Tweeder pulls up to Mox in a stolen cop car with a bunch of nude women in the car you’d think that the leader of a football team would encourage Charlie to get out of the car and find him a ride home. Nope. Mox does nothing and puts Charlie’s life, the girls’ lives, and West Canaan residents’ lives in danger by doing nothing. Just no regard for anyone’s life but his own. Sad.


-Why does the backup quarterback get to sit shotgun while the starter, All-Texas, and Florida State recruit sits in the bed of Billy Bob’s pickup truck? This is the opening scene of the movie and already you can sense the rift between QB1 and QB2. Are we so naive to think that climbing into the bed of that pickup truck everyday didn’t contribute to Lance’s knee injury? Is Moxon solely responsible for Lance’s ACL injury because he selfishly sat in the front seat while Lance was subjected to the truck bed? Most likey, yes.


He’s inaccurate. Remember that little “beer can on top of the head” William Tell competition with the Moxons and the Harbors? Mox’s inaccurate throw broke his father’s nose and brought shame to the Moxon name. Some people may say Mox was trying to hit his dad in the face on purpose. A popular theory, sure. If that’s the case do you really want your quarterback to be an immature hothead who cracks under pressure? I don’t. This pivotal scene proved Mox has no accuracy or that he’s a loose cannon who throws temper tantrums. You pick.

He fails to shine in the big moment. When Ali Larter appears in the infamous whipped cream bikini Mox shells up and is unsure of himself. A touch down is right in front of him but he can’t cross the goal line. Remember when Cam Newton didn’t jump on that fumble vs the Broncos in the Super Bowl? This was worse. It’s a game of inches and you cant win the big game if you’re afraid to score.

There’s also the fact that he moved in on Lance Harbor’s girlfriend while he was in the hospital heartbroken and recovering from a torn ACL. Some friend you are, Mox.

So while Mox was doing this:

Lance was doing this:

Made at


Talk about leaving your bellcow running back out to dry. I’m not so sure this hit didn’t contribute to Wendell’s injury down the road

Made at

Instead of just spiking the ball to preserve the clock, Mox decides to showboat and throw the football at the opposing team’s mascot. Not only is this an asshole move, he also loses precious seconds at the end of the game by throwing the ball to the sideline instead of at the Center’s feet. Just a totally unnecessary move. He’s a dick with no awareness. You really want that to lead your football team?

A man that doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices his father has made for him is not a man I want leading my football team. No respect for his father, no respect for his injured teammates in the hospital, no respect for his coach, no respect for relationships, no respect for football.

If he didn’t have a locker room full of teammates to break up a fight, he would have gotten beat up by a 60 year old. Mox talks a big game but he’s all bark no bite when Kilmer comes at him. Just look at the terror in this face:


I hope I’ve opened your eyes a little bit to the farce that is Jonathan Moxon. Now if you want to debate who the real best movie quarterback of all time is, the argument ends and starts here:


Recasting The Entire Space Jam Movie For 2016

So the only big Cavs basketball news (the playoff games aren’t big news, Atlanta stinks and Miami and Toronto both stink) this past week is that LeBron will be starring in an upcoming Space Jam remake.


Am I excited about the remake of a classic 90s movie that was a staple in every kid’s house growing up? Yes and no. The remake is never as good as the original but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious about how the new cast of actors and NBA superstars shakes out. Who plays the Bill Murray role? Who are the 5 NBA players that get their powers stolen?

Here’s how I would do it:

LeBron in the MJ role

Obviously. The current best player in the world. Maybe LeBron will decide he wants to pursue a career in football like MJ decided he wanted to pursue a baseball career. I’m eager to see what direction they take with this.

Had trouble picking the starting 5 for the 2015 Monstars. The original Monstars were made up of Charles Barkley, Shawn Bradley, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, and Patrick Ewing. 2 centers, 2 power forwards, and one very short point guard. My first attempt at picking the current crop looked like the 2015 NBA All Star game but that’s not how the original movie’s team was constructed. The original Monstars had the game’s tallest player (Bradley) and the game’s shortest (Bogues).

Apparently JR Smith might be in the movie. This is great for 2 things: 1) He’d be a great shooter and a Monstar JR Smith would be amazing. 2) He’d probably slide into Lola Bunny’s DMs asking if she wants the pipe.

I’m not including JR Smith in this lineup unless it gets 100% confirmed.

For the 2016 roster, it’ll be made up of 3 point guards and 2 power forwards.

Russell Westbrook

Gotta have the biggest athletic freak in the game here. I’m already laughing at the thought of him slashing down the lane and dunking on Daffy Duck’s face.


Steph Curry

I imagine when he’s a Monstar he’ll have a super annoying 2 year old Monstar following him around. Also, he’s a pretty decent shooter. Don’t really know which Looney Tune is going to be able to guard an alien Steph.


Isaiah Thomas

The obligatory short player in the Mugsy Bogues role. He was mostly chosen because the original roster was only comprised with players from the west. He’s actually pretty decent too.


Blake Griffin

Most powerful dunker in the game. Can see him packing Foghorn Leghorn up into a ball and then jumping over a Kia to throw down a dunk from the foul line.

Seeing all of his commercials and endorsement deals you’ll know that Blake also is legitimately funny and would have the most speaking parts in the movie aside from LeBron. He may be the best pick of all the NBA players. He fits the Monstar role perfectly and he’ll steal the show as an actor.


Dirk Nowitzki

I originally had Anthony Davis in this sport because him and his unibrow as an alien would be hilarious. I decided to stick with the “very tall funny white guy from the Dallas Mavericks” theme from the first movie and Dirk fits the bill perfectly. There’s too much potential for a tall Monstar who can shoot threes and has a thick German accent to leave him out.


Vince Vaughn as Bill Murray

Need a quick witted guy in this role and let’s be honest, Vince needs some good pub after the disaster that was True Detective season 2. Vince will be a good sidekick to LeBron and I’m guessing he has some basketball chops as well. He’s also 6’4 but sometimes gets dunked on


Kevin Hart as Wayne Knight

I have Kevin Hart exhaustion but him and Bron are boys and their chemistry here would probably actually produce a couple laughs.


Kobe Bryan as Larry Bird

Kobe fills the “recently retired rival” role that Larry Bird played in the original. I don’t really see Kobe being much of a golfer though.


Skip Bayless as Jim Rome

LeBron’s biggest critic, the hot take king, and arguably the most recognizable face in sports media makes this a no brainer


Did I just cast the movie of the year? I don’t know, maybe. Comment below on who’d you pick or tweet us @Bottlegate


This blog was originally supposed to be posted on Wednesday of last week so I’m sorry.



The Super Pimp Movie trailer just won 10 Oscars and you didn’t even know it existed

Honest question: Can a film win a film festival before the festival even begins? Because if I were another filmmaker at the Cleveland Film Festival I’d pack up my cameras & equpiment; grab my Super 8 Camera and tripod, put away my 8mm film and go the fuck home.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, Super Pimp is the Crown Jewel of Cleveland. The Downtown Dignitary. The pioneer of pimps. That’s why I picked him as my #2 choice of who should get their own statue in downtown Cleveland. The man is a local legend and if you try and deny that you’re a straight up moron/probably don’t get out very much.

No joke I see this movie dominating the Cleveland Film Festival; moving onto Sundance and dominating again; then moving on to Cannes and doing what Vincent Chase and Billy Walsh couldn’t and get the “Super Pimp” film made into a studio production. Maybe get James Cameron onboard. Maybe Marty Scorcese, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.

Can’t wait.



Is the new this: