Wow. What the hell did I just watch? Everyone will mention LeBron’s heartfelt letter to the city of Cleveland or cite that Miami’s team is old and he wanted to play with younger, more talented players… but I’ve found the real reason he booked out of Miami and it’s as clear as day. The city of Miami and the whole state of Florida just couldn’t handle LeBron and our boy “Stitches” here in the same area at the same time.

So this is Stitches, he’s a 19 year old rapper from Miami who LOVES selling blow and tattooing his face.

Seems like a modest, down to Earth guy, no?

I was originally going to just make this a quick little “Haha LeBron and Stitches can’t co-exist, that’s why LeBron went home to Cleveland” post, but I started digging. Further and further down the rabbit hole I went. Hours spent reading article after article and watching YouTube video after YouTube video. At one point I even ended up on his Myspace page from when he was like 12. Stitches actually turned out to be one of the most interesting people I’ve ever read about. I have no idea what to think about him. Obviously he’s a whack job and his whole act seems JUST a little forced but I think I started to kind of like him? And I legitimately think “Brick in Yo Face” is a banger.  A couple things about Stitches:

• He moved out at 14 (shocking he didn’t have a strong family life)
• He claims he’s never been caught selling cocaine
• He got the stitches and gun tattoo on his face when he was 16
• He says he punched his principle and got kicked out of his school at 14. The principle says this didn’t happen.
• He sees himself as the next Jay-Z. He actually said this in an interview with Dan Le Betard.
• He was known as “Lil Phil” before “Stitches.” Yes, Lil Phil. His real name is Philip Katsabanis.
• He once posted a video to Instagram of him giving $10,000 to an endearing fan saying “You won the ten grand.” When the video ended, he took back the 10k and only gave the fan $100. I kind of love that move.
• He sometimes wears fake watches. (He does own a real Rolex though, “fakewatchbusta” confirmed this)
• 
• He posted a picture of him driving in a Maserati with the caption “How you like my new toy?” The dealership where he apparently bought the Maserati said he didn’t have enough money for a down payment and that the picture was taken during a test drive. Snake it till you make it I guess.
• Stitches has 2 kids with his wife. Yes, someone willingly married and procreated with this

• His wife appeared on Paris Hilton’s TV show “My New BFF.” And she looks NOTHING like you’d expect her to.
• 
• This is Stiches when he was just a youngster. Looks like he came from the hood.

• His dad lived in a 5 bedroom waterfront house that he sold for $2 million in 2005.
• His mom was a health insurance broker
• His mom has been in a relationship with a Miami police detective since 2007
• I think it’s safe to say a lot of guys in Miami aren’t particularly fond of him
• This video is SO Florida
• I’m only 26 and I feel such a disconnect between the late teens and early 20s crowd. Is this what they do for fun? Because this just does not seem like it’d be a good time.
• He also does cocaine onstage, so there’s that

So that’s Stitches. He’s a 19 year old whose stepdad is a Miami police detective; he has a tattoo of a spider, stitches, and an AK-47 on his face;  he’s married to a girl who tried to be best friends with Paris Hilton; and he does not, in fact own a Maserati.

When I woke up this morning did I think I would be writing about a 19 year old rapper from Miami with guns and spiders tattooed on his face? No, can’t say that I did. But this is what makes us different than the other Cleveland websites out there. Sure we’ll have all the Browns/Indians/Cavs coverage for you to gorge yourself on but we’ll also have shit like this. You never know what you’re gonna get. We’re the Wildcard, bitches.

Someone get me this shirt

Also: The YouTube comments to “Brick in Yo Face” were pretty good