Category Archives: General

The Definitive List Of Characters You’ll See At Your Gym

So I was working out today (Trying to combat this fat blogger stereotype and be in game shape when the NBA Playoffs roll around in April) I looked around and realized that I don’t really like anyone else that’s in the gym with me. You’ve got guys doing crossfit exercises, dudes grunting, people yelling. Sometimes the gym is the worst place in the world

Now I’m not a meathead but I’ve been in plenty of gyms in my life and there’s definitely the same crowd of people that inhabit each one. You could be in a gym in New York or Wyoming and you’ll have the same types of people working out under the same roof as you.

There are probably about a billion different types of posts on the Internet about this topic but these are the people I could think of off the top of my head.

Without further ado, here are the people you’ll see the next time you hit up your local gym, YMCA, or rec center:

 

Crossfit guy

Alright, we get it. You went to a crossfit class once. Stop trying to do gymnastics on the pull up bar.

Sidenote: I did crossfit 4-5x a week last summer and I actually enjoyed it a lot. Just don’t become “crossfit guy”

 

Jacked girl

Always standing next to a spare bench with a curl bar wearing gloves. Usually in a purple tank top to show off her traps and arms and always wearing black yoga pants

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Old person

All for old people getting their sweat on except when they’re just sitting there taking up a machine.

 

Sweaty guy

There’s always one and it’s always the guy who uses a machine before you use it. You know he was there before you by sitting in his lake of perspiration.

 

Jailbait

Usually blonde and usually walking on an incline on the treadmill. Always on her phone. Looks like she’s in her mid 20s until she puts on her high school hoodie and her parents roll up in a minivan to pick her up.

 

Guy who does his hair

Black dri fit beater, thin gold or silver necklace, joggers, and sometimes has a watch. Look good, feel good, work out good, or something.

 

Guy who takes a selfie in the mirror

“Gotta show everyone on my Snap Chat story that I’m about that #SwoleLife today!”

 

Black guy with huge Beats headphones

Usually at the deadlift area or doing some sort of rows/back exercises. Usually huge.

 

Hat guy

Not really a “gym guy” but there always a guy working out with a hat on.

 

The Yeller/Grunter

Alright, you benched 2 plates a few times. Stop yelling like it’s an accomplishment you weirdo.

 

Guy wearing a black Slayer shirt and Vans

Always has a beard and long black socks on too.

 

The guy who is way smaller but way stronger than you

Probably weighs 50-75 lbs less than you and is about twice as strong as you. Nothing more emasculating than this kid.

 

The high school kids who play sports

Seeing them just makes you angry that you’re not as good as you once were.

 

The guy who asks “Mind if I jump in?”

YES! I do mind! Fuck! Go do something else.

 

Cross country guy

Guy just chills on the treadmill running at 8mph for a cool 2 hours while you’re there slogging through a quarter mile about to pass out.

 

Guy who takes up 4 machines at once

Worst person on the planet. By the time he gets around to do his set you could have pumped out a few sets and moved on to another exercise.

 

Guy who talks

This guy is friends with EVERYONE. He’ll go up and talk to anyone about anything.

 

The couple

The guy and girl (usually late teens or early 20s) who work out together. He’ll try to impress her by doing lots of weight and she always spots him on the bench press.

 

The Bros

3-4 guys who meet up to pump iron together. Really loud and always take up too much space.

 

Guy with a gallon jug filled with water or pink stuff

The biggest “gym guy” move of them all. Be normal and bring a water bottle or use the water fountain like the rest of us.

Favorite guy in the world

 

Obviously there’s probably a lot I’m forgetting so tweet them to @Bottlegate or comment below

 

 

If you agree with James Harrison and think participation trophies are bad you’re a moron

OK, maybe not a moron, but…

Beloved Cleveland villain James Harrison posted a picture on Instagram a few days ago saying that his six and eight year olds wouldn’t be keeping their participation trophies and he’d be returning them. So right now the hot topic around the interwebs and the airwaves is the debate about kids and participation trophies. I know, shoot me, right? I’d almost rather have a debate about PSI’s in a football rather than write about #TrophyGate yet here we are. Here are my thoughts and why I think that if you’re anti participation trophy then you’re kind of a douche, they’ve been giving them away forever.

 

If you’re “win at all costs” guy when the child is 6 years old then you’re an asshole plain and simple. Winning games at 6 or 8 years old means nothing. Parents should be focused on whether their child can field a ground ball, shoot a free throw, or throw a spiral when they’re 6. You think the kid in left field digging his finger in his ass should be concerned about whether he wins or loses? Nah. Instructional leagues are meant to be as what the name suggests. Instructional. When you’re that young you should be learning fundamentals, teamwork, and making friends that’ll last your lifetime. To this day some of my very best friends are the kids I grew up playing little league sports with.

Looking back on it, here are what some of my fellow “participation trophy” little league kids I grew up with have accomplished or what they’re up to today- A handful of Division 1 All-Ohio athletes, Quarterback of a Division 1 state championship team, another All-Ohio QB who’s currently in the NFL, various division 1 college basketball players, A TON of Division 3 OAC athletes, A few guys with a PhD, a Michigan State basketball player, a LOT of CPAs, a Notre Dame wide receiver, an NFL scout, a guy who works on oil rigs, a few high school burnouts, a guy pitching in AAA, a few teachers, a lawyer, etc. etc. Can you imagine if those kids didn’t get that participation trophy growing up? Probably would have had two NFL quarterbacks instead of one. Ha. What a bunch of pussies my generation is!

The thing about participation trophies is that no one actually liked getting participation trophies. Even when we were younger we’d laugh about the quality of the trophies. The participation trophies are always way shittier than the trophies that the 1st, 2nd or 3rd place teams receive. These are the trophies that you wouldn’t display proudly on the living room mantle. I can distinctly remember playing in a basketball tournament when I was about 9 or 10 and every kid who wasn’t on the team that won the tournament (so like 90% of the kids) received a trophy of a tiny basketball. The basketball was roughly around the size of a left nut. No one wanted it, or strived to get it. It wasn’t like we spent all those hours practicing to get the Nut Trohpy. It was more of a “Thanks for paying a shit ton of money to play in our tournament, here’s this shitty mini basketball trophy that cost 40 cents to make, hope you come back next year!” That one went to the back of the trophy shelf behind the other awards so it wouldn’t be seen. Looking back, that was probably my favorite trophy because it was so pathetic. You hear that, hardasses?! My favorite trophy was a participation trophy!

Now I’m not saying participation trophies should last until high school or middle school sports. No. They should stop around 10 or 11 years old. Stop at the age when kids have developed a skillset to actually play the game competitively.  When they’ve found the position they like to play and aren’t just running around like a bunch of clueless shitheads on the field. At that age the kids that are just “happy to be there” start weeding themselves out and stop playing completely. Sports aren’t for everyone and little league helps decide if they want to continue down that competitive sports path. It’s great if they want to keep playing and it’s also great if they find out sports isn’t for them.

You’ll hear the all the anti-trophy people screaming till they’re blue in the face “LIFE IS ABOUT WINNING AND LOSING. THIS NEXT GENERATION HAS A LOSER MENTALITY. THIS IS WHY CHINA IS WINNING!” Yes. I’m sure that one winter when you got a trophy when you were 7 years old, and your team sucked in basketball will accurately foreshadow what your life will be like down the road. Does anyone realize how insanely dumb this sounds or is it just me? Participation trophies have been handed out for as long as I can remember so why is it such a hot topic now?

Do you know how unbearable it is to go to a 6 year old’s game and be next to “Win at all costs” guy? Usually he’ll be around 5’9 230 lbs built like a cardboard box, tank top on, Oakleys or some sort of sport sunglasses, backwards ballcap, shorts, sandals, and a calf tattoo. He’ll usually be telling the kindergarteners to “HUSTLE!” or “WHY ARE YOU THROWING IT THERE” or “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!” These parents are just the best. Trying to live vicariously through your 6 year old is always great for both parties involved. Super healthy stuff. Thinking back on it, the parents that pushed their kids too hard when they were younger ended up driving their kids away from sports altogether. It actually had an adverse effect. Imagine that!

So my advice to all those parents out there- Let your kid play sports, let them get that shitty participation trophy. Once they lay eyes on the big prize, that’s what they’ll aim for. Some of those participation trophy kids will become lawyers. Some will become NFL quarterbacks, CPAs, college athletes, or even better; bloggers that film themselves drinking beer and running conditioning tests.

 

 

PS- Maybe James Harrison isn’t the best person to get parenting advice from because…. Well, yeah. Also, the fact that he says “sorry I’m not sorry” and he isn’t a 19 year old sorority girl makes him one of the biggest assholes on the planet.

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Woman helps herself to ribs at a barbecue, is promptly stabbed in the eye with a fork

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From Fox8.com:

“An Indiana woman was hospitalized and another woman arrested following a fight over the last rib at a backyard barbecue.

Officers got a call referencing a stabbing around 7 p.m. According to a police report obtained by the Muncie Star Press, a woman told police she had been stabbed in the eye with a fork by Sabrina Davis, a family friend.

During the confrontation, the victim said Davis was using a fork to take meat from a pan when she turned and used the fork to stab her in the eye. The victim was taken to the hospital for lacerations and a swollen eye and later released.

Davis told officers she was acting in self-defense after the victim pulled out a knife during the argument.

“Davis states she stabbed (the victim) in the eye so she wouldn’t stab her with the knife,” the officer said.”

And….wait for it…..

“It was just so ridiculous. … Barbecue’s good and all that, but it’s not worth sticking somebody in the eye with a fork, you know?” a neighbor said.

Preach, “a neighbor”. Preach.

If there’s a more legit quote than “Barbecue’s good and all that, but it’s not worth sticking somebody in the eye with a fork, you know?”, I’d like to hear it. Versatile, too. Just substitute “barbecue” with 99.9% of things that exist on planet earth. A neighbor speaks the goddamn truf.

And just a really unsanitary move by Sabrina if you ask me. That fork was clearly to be used for the meat pan and the meat pan only. Get a separate one for human eyeball toots. Some people’s kids.

 

Do yourself a favor and click the link to watch the video though. I didn’t right away and the story seemed a little absurd. Then I came to the pic of Sabrina.

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But there’s also some FANTASTIC black-and-white History Channel-esque action shots, and even a reenactment. Production value through the roof. That intern deserves a raise.

 

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So in the spirit of Sabrina the Bigass Bitch….

Top Ten Things I Would Stab Somebody In The Eye With A Fork Over:

10. The last handful of sunflower seeds where all the flavor is

9. Making fun of me for ordering a Bud Light

8. Not throwing strikes in MLB The Show

7. Calling a carry in pickup basketball

6. Standing so close to me in the security line at the airport that I can hear your heartbeat

5. Someone not using a blinker then getting pissed when I don’t anticipate them cutting me off

4. Snoring

3. Putting tomatoes on my food when I ask for no tomatoes

2. Starting “the wave” in the seventh inning of a Corey Kluber no-hitter

1. Being named Kelly Olynyk

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