From Cleveland.com (obviously):

“CLEVELAND, Ohio – A Cleveland man has been charged with urinating on more than $2,100 worth of clothes at a store in Beachwood Mall. 

Demonte Atkins, 20, faces one count of vandalism. According to court and police records, Atkins urinated on the floor and on some blouses at the Express clothing store in Beachwood Mall on June 2, damaging $2194.50 in property.

He was arrested by Beachwood police later that afternoon. 

Atkins has another case pending in Cuyahoga Common Pleas Court. He’s accused of stealing cell phones or services from Daw Fashion store on Euclid Avenue on May 10, 2014. Court records indicate he did not attend his first arraignment. He was taken into custody on that case on June 5, and pleaded not guilty to the charge on June 9.”

Tough day to be a blouse in Beachwood. Just hanging out, minding your own business and bam. Peed on. Talk about going up on a Tuesday.

As per usual with Cleveland.com stories, I’m having a hard time comprehending this one. That kid must have to check his bladder at the airport to be able to piss long enough to cover 2 thousand dollars worth of blouses. The guys over at Bottlegate Sports Science broke it down for us:

• Thanks to a weirdly specific Google search, I can now tell you that according to the Law of Urination (yep, real thing), an average animal urinates for a duration of 21 seconds, regardless of bladder size.

• In the women’s blouse section of Express.com, 27 blouses are shown. The average price of these puppies is about $42.20. So in order to cause $2194.50 in damage, this young man would have had to pee on just about 53 blouses.
• 53 blouses divided by the 21 second estimated pee duration comes out to 2.5 soiled blouses per second. Impressive.
• The Beachwood Mall online directory points out that Express is located in the red circle (Area D, Upper Level) below:

Very square areas. Not long, like Areas B and C on the Lower Level for instance. Should be fairly easy to give the room a quick ocular scan for any patrons who might be going to the bathroom.

• Now admittedly I’ve never been in the Express at Beachwood Mall, but based on photos obtained via Google Image Search, it looks like a decently wide open floor plan (no large circular racks like those found in department stores). The tables and display areas in the middle of the store would leave our culprit too exposed to other customers and Express employees. Thus, I must surmise that the young man unzipped and armed himself while facing a wall with his back to the rest of the store.
• Based on these same photos, my best guess is that Express seems to hang about twelve (12) blouses per 2 feet of hanging rod, with a standard deviation of 2.5 blouses.
• So in order to pee on 53 blouses, this individual would have to “shuffle” approximately 9 feet. He would not, in my opinion, be able to reach any of the higher-hanging blouses.
• Finally, how fast would this gentleman have to walk in order to cover 9 feet in 21 seconds? Converting that into miles per hour, he would have to be moving at about .3 MPH. Yet another Google search tells us that the average human walks at 3.1 MPH. To put that in perspective, that would be like a car going 5.8 MPH on a highway that has a speed limit of 60. That would be plenty slow enough to avoid drawing attention to himself. Other than from the fact that he was simultaneously peeing.

So, in summary:

Demonte Atkins peed on 53 blouses in 21 seconds, a rate of 2.5 blouses per second, and shuffled across 9 feet of products on the wall at a speed of .3 MPH.

He is currently a free agent.