All posts by Mike

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MONSTER AND WHY IS IT IN LAKE ERIE?!

September 24, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

It’s about a foot-and-a-half long with dark gray mottled slimy skin and rows of teeth lining a circular mouth, something like a cross between an eel and your worst nightmare. And it’s more common in Lake Erie than you might think.

“It’s amazing. It’s shocking. It’s actually kind of scary looking,” said Doug Hershman. “I’ve never seen a fish like that.”

That is a sea lamprey, a creepy creature scientists with the Cleveland Metroparks found in the Rocky River on Friday during a routine equipment test.

GOO!!! Someone get Jeremy Wade on the phone right now! What is THAT and why is it in Ohio? KILL IT, KILL IT WITH FIRE!

September 24, 2014. The day that I proclaimed that I will never step foot in another lake/river/pond in Ohio again in my life. No thanks, dude. Right when you think Cleveland is starting to turn the corner; there’s new businesses, the Hofbrauhaus is opening soon, the nuCLEus is on it’s way… this Hope Solo lookalike pops up and ruins everything. Seriously, Ohio bodies of water are so screwed right now. We’ve got ISIS guys carrying Ebola coming across Lake Erie, man eating sharks found in the Ohio River, there’s always the threat of the Cuyahoga catching fire, and now the main character from Tremors is lurking around in Rocky River. Our pets heads are falling off! No fucking thanks. You can find me in the nearest in ground swimming pool with a margarita in my hand and not having my blood sucked out by a river monster.

PS- This is also what I imagine Nicki Minaj’s you-know-what to look like

College Football

If you buy a Coke in Ann Arbor you can attend a Michigan football game for free!

September 23, 2014 Mike 1 Comment

From Pro Football Talk–

You know it’s bad when the student newspaper is printing headlines like “Clock’s Ticking, Brady.” But perhaps the most accurate depiction of where Michigan football sits under Brady Hoke is this picture being passed around social media

I want to make fun of this but I can’t. It’s just so, so sad. The winningest college football program of all time resorting to lowly gimmicks to try and draw fans to watch ~~a JV football team~~ Michigan play in ~~their shitty stadium~~ The Big House. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t score a single point vs. Notre Dame and you get blown out by the storied, world renowned Utah Utes.

I sat here for five minutes trying to think of something clever to end with but nothing could top what Rosco said:

OK, this is good RT @RoscoMcHiggins Michigan: “I said buyout Hoke, not buy a Coke.”

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) September 23, 2014

General

Sure the Indians lost. But at least you’re not this skunk with it’s head stuck in a beer can.

September 23, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

From the AP-

This photo taken Sunday, Sept. 14, 2014, in Oxford, Ohio, by police officer Matt Hatfield and provided by the Oxford police department, shows a skunk with it’s head stuck in a beer can near a fraternity house at Miami (Ohio) University. An animal control officer was able to free and release the skunk without being sprayed. (AP Photo/Oxford Police Department, Matt Hatfield)

—

Damn, man. Such a sad story. No one ever likes to see someone suffering like this. It’s tragic really…. And by tragic I’m 100% referring to the skunk being forced to drink a Miller Lite. Since this happened on a college campus is this considered hazing? Can we get a fraternity banned from Miami U for this? Someone needs to answer some questions here. Was this the skunk’s doing? C’mon Pepé Le Pew, no one drinks Miller Lite nowadays on their own terms. At least be a man about it and order a Budweiser, Stinky.

Now I don’t want to laugh at this because I almost feel sorry for the the animal. But in my lifetime I’ve had terrible luck with skunks. In high school my dog got sprayed while I was getting ready for school. Somehow the stink got transferred to me. Long story short I walked into school that day and immediately stunk up the ENTIRE school. When I say entire school, I mean the entire school. Every class I went to I had to sit by an open window. Had to go home after 3 periods because I stunk so bad. I was a freshman. It was traumatizing. So forgive me if I have no sympathy for some stupid skunk being stupid and getting its stupid head stuck in a stupid Miller Lite can.

This gives a whole new meaning to the term “drunk as a skunk.” (Darren Rovell would love that joke)