A Brecksville man was cited for disorderly conduct in federal court on Friday after admitting to a park ranger that he regularly masturbates in a Cuyahoga Valley National Park parking lot, among other public locations.
The man, Andrew Gill, was tracked down in late August after a woman reported to park rangers that a man in a blue Honda waved at her and then “held his genitals” and “masturbated” towards her from his car as she went by near the Red Lock trailhead. This was shortly after an Eastlake woman was reported missing in the park, and the woman says she “was afraid he may have something to do” with her disappearance, so she blocked him in the parking lot to protect other women in the lot.
The park ranger was able to track Gill down, and he admitted to everything the woman said, and more, according the citation just filed: “Gill admitted to knowing women were in the parking lot. He said she pulled his genitals out of his shorts and rubbed them and masturbated.”
Gill also told the ranger he’s been masturbating in parks for at least two years, including in the Brecksville Reservation of the Cleveland Metroparks.
“He said he deserves a couple days in jail,” the ranger wrote.
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Well that was quite the story, huh? Usually every day I wake up thinking I’m going to post something here about Cleveland sports. Maybe talk about Johnny Manziel being named starter or the Cavs winning their eighth game in a row. Today…. is not that day. Nope. Today we’re tackling the hard hitting topic of jacking off in your car.
First off, I frequently walk my dog in this park and this is weird to say the least. This is my dog. Stud, right?
Second, “Serial Park Masturbator” sticks with you forever. You never live that title down. You’ll always be known as the guy who masturbates inside of your car at city parks. No matter how successful you are in life and no matter how much money you make you’re known as the “jerks off in his car guy.”
In my 26 years of life I’ve heard of “serial killers” and “serial films” but I’ve never heard of a “serial park masturbator.” That’s easily the most specific and gross of the “serial” family.
I guess my main point is… Andrew, there’s this thing called the internet where’s there’s millions upon millions of hours worth of videos and pictures of anything you can imagine and it’s right at your fingertips. Seriously. Porn, Kermit the Frog memes, and cat videos are what the internet was made for. Instead of parking your car and watching dudes in short shorts and moms in jeans walk by you can sit in front of your laptop all day and search for whatever combination of nouns and adjectives your cooky little dirty mind can come up with! Crazy, I know. And unlike what you did, you can delete this history.
I love how the guy just casually mentions he’s been doing this for two years. “Yeah um sorry… So, 2 days? Yeah, that’s about right. My bad, guys.” Kinda have to respect his humility. Kinda?
It’s like that line from Mighty Ducks- “2 minutes? Well worth it.”
Athletes were judged in four categories. AT HIS BEST, how good looking he is at his best on a scale of 1-10. AT HIS WORST, how gross he looks at his worst on a scale of 1-10 (10 still being the best looking). PERSONALITY, what type of person he is, scale of 1-10. This can include playing style, fan interaction, social media presence, community outreach, etc. ATHLETIC ABILITY, how talented is he as an athlete on a scale of 1-3. We decided to make athletic ability worth less, so that our best athletes would have a slight advantage, but not a huge one seeing as this is a contest based on looks.
Ties were decided by the higher AT HIS BEST score. If that was also the same, the higher AT HIS WORST score was chosen.
First Three Out
Joe Harris, Guard, Cleveland Cavaliers
Nick Swisher, Outfield/First Base/DH, Cleveland Indians
Justin Gilbert, Cornerback, Cleveland Browns
Top Ten
10. Spencer Lanning, Punter, Cleveland Browns
At his best – 7.75
At his worst – 6
Personality – 8
Athletic ability – 0.5
TOTAL – 22.25
First up on my list is our lovable loser of a punter, Spence Lanning. Non-rabid members of the Dawg Pound may have heard of him for the first time when he took this mule kick from Antonio Brown Week 1 in Pittsburgh:
And then was able to crack jokes about it later with Colts punter Pat McAfee
If we’re being honest, and when are we not here at Bottlegate, he’s not a very good punter. At all, really. But he’s a decent looking dude with a good sense of humor and who’s not afraid to get in there and ruffle some feathers on special teams. And I know we’re not judging testicular fortitude on this particular list (stay tuned), but it takes some serious nuts for a punter to duck-duck-goose probably the most badass player in the league.
9. Joey Hishon, Center, Lake Erie Monsters
At his best – 7.75
At his worst – 7
Personality – 6
Athletic ability – 1.5
TOTAL – 22.25
Maybe I’m a sucker for the traditional well-proportioned face and slicked back hair. Fine. Whatever. Shoot me. I think Hishon’s got it going on and I don’t care who knows it. Oh, what’s he look like with a hat and a sick beard, you say?
Hm. Fabulous. That’s weird. Obviously I don’t know dick about the Monsters or hockey in general but I do know a good looking dude when I see one. He was also the 17th overall pick in the 2010 NHL draft and is tied for second on the Monsters in goals, so he’s no bender (?). Hockey bros are insanely tough and he’s come back from two massive concussions. This cat is the whole package. He’ll be playing swords with Sid the Kid in no time. He’s pretty much Neal Caffrey from White Collar on ice. You guys are lucky he didn’t win the whole goddamn thing.
8. Michael Brantley, Outfield, Cleveland Indians
At his best – 8
At his worst – 7
Personality – 7
Athletic ability – 3
TOTAL – 25
Yeah I’ll admit it. I’m a little biased when it comes to my favorite player on my favorite team. Maybe he’s not quite an 8. Maybe I love the no-nonsense way he plays the game too much. Maybe I got lost thinking about how perfect he looks in a baseball uniform, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, up at bat, with a helmet and Oakleys on, runner on second, two outs, tie game, 1-2 count, bottom of the 9th, tapping his bat twice on his shoulder, picking his front foot up to load, seeing the curveball all the way in, staying back and driving it into left-center, bringing home the game-winning run, flashing his pearly whites while he rounds first and his teammates rush out on to the field to meet him, ripping off his jersey to reveal a white tee shirt underneath as they rain down showers of water bottles upon him.
I blacked out, what happened?
7. LeBron James, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
At his best – 7
At his worst – 7
Personality – 8.25
Athletic ability – 3
TOTAL – 25.25
So here’s my thing with LeBron. Would women (and myself apparently) think he’s attractive if he wasn’t arguably the best athlete on the planet? I don’t believe we would. But he is. We’re not talking about some guy who looks like LeBron here, we’re talking about the real deal. So you have to judge the whole package. He’s a well-spoken businessman who is a great leader, a role model for his community and just happens to be the best basketball player on the face of the planet. The most talked about hairline in sports doesn’t really matter to me to be honest because his forehead is so goddamn big I get distracted before I even get there. Plus, the ladies know it’s not all about that face, bout that face. And all the guys now know he’s okay in that department too, thanks to Beats by Dre. Take ME to church, LeBron!
6. Tristan Thompson, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
At his best – 8
At his worst – 7.75
Personality – 7.5
Athletic ability – 2
TOTAL – 25.25
Tristan is just a solid looking dude all around. If it’s difficult to find a bad picture of you on the internet, you must be doing something right. He’s got a great smile and is consistently one of the best dressed guys on the squad. And his personality is right up there with the best in the city. The guy straight up switched shooting hands out of nowhere in order to up his game. How many guys in the NBA do you think would do that? He busts his ass doing the little things on the glass and on defense night in and night out. And oh yeah he’s hilarious
Yes I know that’s the same picture for best and worst. Robots look the same in all situations. This particular robot has taken the form of the best pitcher in the American League sporting quite possibly the best beard as well. The fact that he has embraced the whole “Klubot” image is actually hilarious. But don’t tell him that.
There’s nothing better than a quirky person who is self-aware enough to embrace it. Kluber is clearly not comfortable in the public eye, but he’s turned that into a positive. I’ll bet behind closed clubhouse doors he runs around with his pants off, slapping asses and farting all over the place.
4. Kyrie Irving, Guard, Cleveland Cavaliers
At his best – 7.25
At his worst – 7
Personality – 8.5
Athletic ability – 3
TOTAL – 25.75
Classic case of probably an average looking guy getting a serious boost from being an incredible basketball player and a hilarious individual. Things have been baaaaad the past couple years at the Q. He could have stomped his feet, pouted and made things around here uglier than Curtis Painter. At some points it seemed like he was going to. But he stuck around. That, on top of the most hilarious sports commercials this side of “This Is Sportscenter”, gives Kyrie the highest rated personality on my list. And like I said with LeBron, you gotta evaluate the whole package. Oh, and on the court?
3. Jason Kipnis, Second Base, Cleveland Indians
At his best – 8.25
At his worst – 7.25
Personality – 8
Athletic ability – 2.25
TOTAL – 25.75
This one I’m expecting to catch some heat for. Let the record show that his “best” picture is in uniform, in the middle of a game. If he looks that strapping in the heat of battle, can you imagine him all cleaned up? Oh wait. I can.
And his worst picture could pass as Channing Tatum’s identical twin. So yeah, I’d say that gets you in Cleveland’s top 3 hottest athletes. He’s also probably one of the best twitter follows of all our pros. He has a great rapport with fans, like this dickbag from September:
Was it dumb to cuss? Yeah probably. But it was also refreshing to see an athlete care enough about his personal and the team’s performance to drop a hard F bomb on twitter. Kip is A-OK in my book. And my third hottest Cleveland athlete.
2. Kevin Love, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
At his best – 9.5
At his worst – 7.25
Personality – 7
Athletic ability – 3
TOTAL – 26.75
It seems Kevin Love is all the craze with the ladies of Cleveland nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a VERY handsome dude. He’s my second most handsome dude on any Cleveland professional sports team. But my girlfriend telling me he’s hotter than Ryan Gosling is lunacy like I’ve never heard before. Yeah he looks GQ when he’s in a GQ PHOTO SHOOT. Those guys could make me look like I don’t wear sweatpants all day and drink Arizona Iced Tea right out of the jug. But what can you do for me on a regular day, Kevin? When you don’t spend hours in makeup and get some photoshop help after the fact? I know for a FACT I’m not rolling over in bed on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking, looking at that bed head and beard and thinking, “Gosh, he’s good looking.”…if I’m a girl. But Gosling? Gosling never quits.
Get outta here with that noise. But yeah KLove is a smoke.
1. Jordan Cameron, Tight End, Cleveland Browns
At his best – 10
At his worst – 9.5
lol
Personality – 7
Athletic ability – 2.5
TOTAL – 29
Well that was anticlimactic. I mean it wasn’t even close. The instant Mike brought up the idea to do this list, he had already won. A Pro Bowl tight end with golden locks that flow like the Euphrates who also has a decent social media presence? How could there be any other winner? If he could stay on the damn field he’d be right up there with Cleveland’s most beloved athletes right now. I really don’t have anything else to write here. Look at his goddamn face.
Well there you have it. Like it or not, that list is 100% fact. It shook out like this:
10. Spencer Lanning
9. Joey Hishon
8. Michael Brantley
7. LeBron James
6. Tristan Thompson
5. Corey Kluber
4. Kyrie Irving
3. Jason Kipnis
2. Kevin Love
1. Jordan Cameron
Keep on the lookout for Mike’s list, and keep voting in the poll to tell me how wrong I am. Results will be tallied and posted next week.
Sports. The one area of our social landscape illuminated by the bright lights where physical attractiveness is completely irrelevant. Turn on your TV or go to the movies and you’ll see some of the best looking people on the planet. Yeah we may root for the underdog on The Voice but we’d all rather watch Carrie Underwood kick around in her cowboy boots for an hour. Who’s grandma going to vote for in the election: a 60 year old saggy neck or a 40 year old with a tailored suit and a million dollar smile? It’s obviously no coincidence that 95% of people in the public eye are easy on it. But you can fall from the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down and still play quarterback in the NFL. Just ask Curtis Painter.
So we thought it our duty here at Bottlegate to take a look at the athletes that play for our sports teams through those same fabulous, bedazzled lenses as we do the rest of the celebrities in the world. Take a minute to make your picks below, then look out for our personal picks and the results from your votes later this week.
If you don’t see an athlete listed that you would have voted for, click “other” and leave a comment at the bottom of the page telling us who we left out.
We’re keeping the results hidden until we reveal them next week.
Cavs
Kevin Love
Joe Harris
Kyrie Irving
LeBron James
Tristan Thompson
Dion Waiters
Browns
Joe Haden
Jordan Cameron
Johnny Manziel
Paul Kruger
Miles Austin
Justin Gilbert
Josh Gordon
Spencer Lanning
Indians
Jason Kipnis
Michael Brantley
Zach Walters
Nick Swisher
Corey Kluber
Yan Gomes
Zach McAllister
Mike Aviles
Calves. Whoa.
Now for the big one. The most distinguished award of them all. The title of “Cleveland’s Hottest Professional Athlete.”
Bottlegate 