“CLEVELAND, Ohio — A Cleveland man jumped naked out of a closed window to escape three men who attacked him and threatened to burn him alive.
Raymond Stewart, 49, and Thomas Watts Jr., 46, are both charged with first-degree felony kidnapping. A third man who participated in the attack has not yet been identified by investigators.
Stewart ordered the man to take his clothes off as Watts and the third man surrounded him, according to court records. The man was knocked to the ground with a punch to the face.
The trio stomped on him and kicked him while he was on the ground. The third man then told the others to “grab the kerosene from the garage,” court records say.
The man got up and jumped out of a closed window. He ran to a home on the opposite side of the next block, in the 3600 block of East 59th Street.
The man hid in a van at that home until police arrived, court records say.”
The list of scenarios in which I would even consider jumping through a closed window is a pretty short one. Gets even shorter when you remove clothes from the equation. How short, you ask? About as short as your manhood becomes when you slice it clean off JUMPING THROUGH A CLOSED WINDOW COMPLETELY NAKED. Seriously, gun to my head, jump through a closed window naked or take my chances with maybe getting set on fire, I’m stopping dropping and rolling all day. Burns heal. Complete severance does not.
This guy sure picked a heck of a winter to have to jump naked through a closed window though. Never take a 60 degree day in February for granted because you never know when you’re going to find yourself completely naked in the streets, that’s what I always say.
“Hey. How about this weather? I was out cutting my grass in shorts on Friday.”
“Yeah man…crazy nice out.”