Tag Archives: crime

Man took a bullet and a kiss on the lips, in that order, in Cleveland park on Sunday

From Cleveland.com:

“CLEVELAND, Ohio — A bullet and a kiss – that’s what a man got Sunday in a Cleveland park. A gunman fired a shot into the 19-year-old before planting a kiss on his lips.

No arrests have been made in the shooting, which happened about 9:45 p.m. in a wooded area at Carol McLendon Park on East 98th Street.  

The 19-year-old man and his 20-year-old friend were listening to music and talking at the park. A man they didn’t know slowly walked by the duo and asked for their names.

The two men said their names and the stranger ordered them to the ground before pulling out a gun. He then shot the 19 year old, police reports say.

The man demanded the keys to the 19-year-old’s car. The gunman grabbed the keys, then asked the man for a kiss. He knelt down and kissed the man on the lips and told him: “You have a sexy ass.””

God I love Cleveland.com. We’ve had a bit of a summer lull in the absurd crime stories over the past couple months, but seriously, just look at it:

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“Nah. I wouldn’t click that.” – absolutely no one

The article goes on to say that the shooter couldn’t get the car to start, so he took off on foot. A woman that lives by the park heard a man shouting that he’d been shot, so she called the cops and they carried him to an ambulance when they arrived.

One minute you’re jamming out to some tunes in the park with your friend, the next you’re getting shot and then kissed on the lips and then complimented on your butt and then your car almost gets stolen and then you get carried to an ambulance by a couple police officers. Think the “Life comes at you fast” movement just found a new poster boy.

Hope he’s OK though.

Drunk couple arrested in Willoughby, thought they were in Pennsylvania

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From newsnet5.com:

“WILLOUGHBY, Ohio – Two people found intoxicated in a parked car by Willoughby police over the weekend thought they were in Pennsylvania. 

According to Willoughby police, officers responded Sunday for a report of a suspicious car parked in the area of Lost Nation Road and State Route 2 around 5:30 a.m.

When officers got there, they found a Chevrolet Trax stopped in the center turn lane. 

The female driver and male passenger were passed out with a bottle of whiskey in between them, according to police.

Police said both thought they were in Pennsylvania when they were arrested. They said they were heading to Pymatuning State Park.”

That sure is something man. I’ve had many a morning where I’ve woken up without my bearings but that usually goes away within like 10 seconds. Oh and also it comes after I had shut it down for the night and been sleeping for hours. This girl had a BAC of .194 at 5:30 AM and was sitting behind the wheel of a stopped car (not parked!) in the center lane of the road. Jack Daniels 1, these two idiots 0.

So the woman driver is from Elizabeth, PA and the passenger is from West Newton, PA. Looks like she would have had to backtrack about 15 minutes to go swoop her boyfriend, who I’m just going to assume either has a suspended license or hasn’t been able to crack that damn driver’s test yet.

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They said they were on their way to Pymatunig State Park. I was completely prepared to go into this whole long thing about how they must have been telling the truth because nobody makes up a story about going to a weirdly specific place that no one has ever heard of, but turns out this place is actually the biggest state park in Pennsylvania, so, now you know. Regardless, it’s a little over two hours away from them.

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And here’s where they lose me. It’d be one thing if it was just one road and they missed the exit and accidentally drove for another hour or so. I guess that’d be pretty easy to do given what this chick’s BAC was just before sunrise the next day. But this was 76W to I-376 to PA 18-N to US-322 W to OH-86N to 44N to Route 2. At what point do you think the guy finally snapped and stopped trying to help with directions? Absolutely was passed out well before Painesville.

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In all seriousness though, these two are idiots and shouldn’t be allowed behind the wheel of a motorized vehicle again for a very long time.

Naked guy jumps through a closed window in East Cleveland

From Cleveland.com:

“CLEVELAND, Ohio — A Cleveland man jumped naked out of a closed window to escape three men who attacked him and threatened to burn him alive.

Raymond Stewart, 49, and Thomas Watts Jr., 46, are both charged with first-degree felony kidnapping. A third man who participated in the attack has not yet been identified by investigators.

Stewart ordered the man to take his clothes off as Watts and the third man surrounded him, according to court records. The man was knocked to the ground with a punch to the face.

The trio stomped on him and kicked him while he was on the ground. The third man then told the others to “grab the kerosene from the garage,” court records say.

The man got up and jumped out of a closed window. He ran to a home on the opposite side of the next block, in the 3600 block of East 59th Street.

The man hid in a van at that home until police arrived, court records say.”

The list of scenarios in which I would even consider jumping through a closed window is a pretty short one. Gets even shorter when you remove clothes from the equation. How short, you ask? About as short as your manhood becomes when you slice it clean off JUMPING THROUGH A CLOSED WINDOW COMPLETELY NAKED. Seriously, gun to my head, jump through a closed window naked or take my chances with maybe getting set on fire, I’m stopping dropping and rolling all day. Burns heal. Complete severance does not.

This guy sure picked a heck of a winter to have to jump naked through a closed window though. Never take a 60 degree day in February for granted because you never know when you’re going to find yourself completely naked in the streets, that’s what I always say.

“Hey. How about this weather? I was out cutting my grass in shorts on Friday.”

“Yeah man…crazy nice out.”