“All you Elvis collectors lookie here. I have a real pubic hair from Elvis Presley plucked by my ex-wife Billie Jean Flurt from Elvis crotch in 1965. I hate to part with it. But it can be yours for Christmas for $5000.00. Comes with letter of authenticity signed by Colonel Parker. I guarantee its real!”
——
Mom and Dad I know what I want for Christmas! Nothing says Happy Holidays and Yuletide Cheer like a ball hair from The King. And for only $5,000?!? STEAL.
This ad immediately raised a couple of eyebrows from yours truly:
1. Why has this guy been holding onto a pubic hair for 50 years?!?!
2. How do you put a valuation on Elvis’s pubes? Is it just one hair worth $5,000 by itself? What if there were 5 or 6 plucked? Would that be worth $25-$30,000? Fuck credit cards and certified checks, you could buy a new house with a handful of pubes.
3. How weird is his ex-wife that she goes around plucking pubes off of people? That might be the weirdest part of all this. Why not just pluck hairs off of Elvis’s beautiful head? Weird, man…
4. Is there some special DNA used to prove that it’s a real ball hair and not just a hair off of his leg? If I’m spending 5 Grand I need a guarantee that it’s an official pube.
5. Pretty sure this guy’s ex-wife is Forrest Gump’s mom and she plucked it while a young Elvis was staying at the Gump household.
6. We’ve sold a couple t-shirts and I think the first Bottlegate purchase might have to be this pube. Screw getting on new servers or upgrading the website, I want some nut fuzz from the greatest rock and roll singer of all time.
The Cavs split their four game last week winning the first two against Brooklyn and Toronto then losing in Oklahoma City and New Orleans. It was a promising start when we blew out Brooklyn in the 2nd half Monday night in front of the Royal couple and followed it up with a huge come from behind win over the Raptors. All good things come to an end though and the Cavs winning streak was snapped at 8 when they fell to OKC on the road. LeBron did not play in the game due to a sore knee, and while the team played tough, Durant and Westbrook were too much and we couldn’t get over the hump in another comeback bid. LeBron came back against the Pelicans AND Anthony Davis left the game in the 1st quarter. Easy win right? Nope, Ryan Anderson went for 30 and we played no defense and lost.
Brooklyn Nets:
The Nets hung tough in the first half before the Cavs went off in the second. It’s fun seeing this team click on all cylinders and destroy people. Jay-Z still can’t believe LeBron made that fadeaway.
LeBron nearly caused an international incident by violating “royal protocol” and putting his arm around Duchess Kate.
Toronto Raptors:
The Cavs looked bad early in this game and it seemed like the winning streak was going to end at 7 games but the team fought back from 14 down in the 2nd half to pull off an impressive comeback capped off by LeBron’s record tying 3 from the top of the key (tied Mark Price for Cavs all time 3-pointers made with 802). The Cavs got a big defensive contribution from Delly as they held the Raptors to 13 points in the 4th quarter. LeBron had 35. Dion stayed hot with 18 on 7-10 shooting.
Oklahoma City Thunder:
LeBron missed his first game of the season after being ruled out on gametime decision due to a sore knee. We still have Kyrie and Love, yes, but it doesn’t make it easy when your competition is Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Big time scare at the end of the first half in this game when Kyrie landed awkwardly on his left leg and his knee buckled. At first look most people thought ACL which would have been a disaster but Kyrie must have gotten some Lance Harbor halftime treatment because he came out and played the second half as if nothing had happened. I’m glad our season didn’t end. The Cavs played the Thunder tough and were only down 4 with just over a minute left but Durant scored the final 8 points for the Thunder and put the game away in crunch time. This was the Cavs first loss since November 22nd. I’m kind of scratching my head as to why we tried to put Kyrie on Durant in the final possessions. I appreciate that Kyrie wants to step up and guard the other team’s best player but when that player is 6’10” maybe it’s not the best idea. Durant just shot right over Irving for 4 of the final 8 points.
New Orleans Pelicans:
I’m going to chalk this loss up to being the team’s fourth game in five nights. LeBron sure appeared to be fresh having sat against OKC as he went for 41-5-5 but not much else went right for the Cavs. The defense looked awful and even without Anthony Davis the Pelicans were able to put up 119 points. Tyreke Evans played like it was 2009, back when he was winning the rookie of the year, going for 31 points and 10 assists.
The week ahead:
Charlotte Hornets:
We play our first of four games this week at home against the generally disappointing Charlotte Bobca…I mean Hornets. This will be LeBron’s first time on the court against Lance Stephenson since Lance decided it would be a good idea to blow in his ear. Lance was supposed to be a big signing for the Hornets this offseason but so far he’s been a big disappointment and there have even been rumblings they might try and trade him. Cavs should get back on the winning track and handle the Hornets by 7.
Editor’s note: This game happened last night and the Cavs won by 9.
Atlanta Hawks:
The Hawks have been one of the surprise teams in the league this year, off to a 16-7 start. Looking at their roster I’m still not sure how. I guess having a healthy Al Horford this year to go with Jeff Teague, Kyle Korver, and Paul Milsap gives them a good core but there is no superstar late game finisher there. I won’t guarantee a victory but we should win this game against the overachievers from Atlanta. Cavs by 3.
Brooklyn Nets:
Cavs get their second look at the Nets in as many weeks. After trouncing them by 22 in Brooklyn the Nets will come out and play hard but with rumors about D-Will, Brook Lopez, and Joe Johnson all on the trade block I doubt these guys will really play that well this season. Cavs by 8.
Memphis Grizzlies:
It seems like we have at least one really tough game every week and this game is it. Memphis is off to a great start this season with a record of 19-4 at the beginning of the week. They are monsters on the defensive end of the floor and behind Marc Gasol can still score enough to pull out some tough victories at the end of games. Tony Allen has always given LeBron trouble and Randolph and Gasol’s length could bother Love. If we do manage to take down the hot Grizzlies we will need Kyrie to break out of the slump he has been in and take it to Mike Conley. Grizzlies by 6.
Oh, the Browns played yesterday? I’m sorry I was too busy focused on this puppy
And this NBA team
And this Buckeyes team playing in the CFB Playoff January 1st vs Nick Saban and Alabama
It was a good run, boys. At 7-7 the Browns the door has all but mathematically been closed on the 2014 season
(gif choice: A++)
There are 2 games left in this Browns season. A team that was at one point 6-3 has a very real chance to finish the season at 7-9. Woof. Cue the music and let’s look at the game tape:
Alright, that was fun
Here is a highlight that didn’t have anything to do with the game:
Annnndddd… that’s it. Sweet game tape, huh?
Thoughts:
-HE’S A BUST!! A BUST I TELL YOU! CUT HIM! HE’S A BUST!!! Good God I hope no one listens to the callers on Cleveland sports talk radio today.
Alright, hear me out. I want you to temper your emotions and expectations for a sec and remove the name off the back of the jersey… You’re left with a barely 22 year old kid making his first NFL start as a rookie vs. a division leading team who’s fighting for their playoff lives. You mean to tell me that 22 year old kid struggled and didn’t play well? I’M SHOCKED!!!!!
Now I’m not going to sugarcoat it; Johnny played awful. It was a very underwhelming performance for a game with so much hype. But people already writing him off after ONE GAME saying he doesn’t have what it takes to make it in the NFL? Get the fuck out of here. It’s laughable really. I saw so many Twitter quarterback gurus yesterday my head almost exploded. If you took joy in seeing him struggle yesterday go take a good long hard look in the mirror.
– This team has so many flaws you can’t pin this loss on just the quarterback. When you can’t run, block, catch, throw, tackle… you can’t win.
– Josh Gordon. Where you at, man? Your first game back you showed flashes of dominance and looked like you hadn’t missed a beat. The past 3 games you’ve been a compete non-factor. Someone with those physical gifts shouldn’t disappear in games like he has. I don’t know if it’s on Josh, on the OC, or on the quarterbacks. Something isn’t right there.
– Jeremy Hill is a chump. A talented runner but an asshole. I also put him on the bench for my fantasy team. Should’ve swallowed my pride, his 27 points would’ve propelled me to the championship game. Oh well I suck again.
– When are kick returner tryouts? I think me and my 4.85 speed could make some things happen (probably more like 5.4 after 3 months of a sedentary lifestyle trying to get Bottlegate off the ground)
– Manziel, Hoyer, Montana, Favre… I don’t think any QB yesterday wins that game. The QB had the deck stacked against him from the beginning and all 21 other players did nothing to help that position out.
– That first drive was an absolute soul crusher. With the way that stadium was buzzing beforehand and all the pregame hype, Coach Pettine HAS to take the ball first.
– On the first drive the Bengals had those penalties were game changers. Especially the Mingo late hit.
– I expected to see way more rollouts from Manziel and designed QB runs. I thought they’d try to run most of their passing plays outside of the pocket. I was wrong. I wasn’t thrilled with the game Shanahan called either.
– There were 2 QBs on the field yesterday. One was the rookie Johnny Manziel. The other one was veteran Andy Dalton who just signed a six year $115 million contract. I honestly don’t know which team has a worse QB situation.
– This one hurt. A lot. I was in the Muni Lot before the game and one of my old high school teammate’s mom gave me a wad of fake money to throw after Johnny threw or ran a touchdown. The money was never thrown… The money was never thrown. (Yeah I’m a tool w/e)
– Run defense, run defense, run defense. Woof.
– Guys, Johnny was never going to come in and rescue this franchise overnight. It’s going to take time whether you want to hear it or not. He’s only one player. He’s only one man.
– I still care, Johnny. I still care.
-HE’S OOONNLLYYY HUUMMAANNN!!
-MUSIC PLAY ME OUT!!
PS- If you think this game changed my stance about whether I think Johnny is going to be a good quarterback you’re out of your god damn mind. Maybe it’s me being stubborn or an idiot, but I have all the confidence in the world in Johnny Manziel. I’m living or dying with him. I’m not flip flopping like every other person in Cleveland sports media. I truly believe he’s going to be a successful pro once he gets everything figured out. It may not be pretty at times but you knew that when you drafted him. If you’re jumping off the ship after his first start, good. We don’t want you.
Bottlegate 