“All you Elvis collectors lookie here. I have a real pubic hair from Elvis Presley plucked by my ex-wife Billie Jean Flurt from Elvis crotch in 1965. I hate to part with it. But it can be yours for Christmas for $5000.00. Comes with letter of authenticity signed by Colonel Parker. I guarantee its real!”
Mom and Dad I know what I want for Christmas! Nothing says Happy Holidays and Yuletide Cheer like a ball hair from The King. And for only $5,000?!? STEAL.
This ad immediately raised a couple of eyebrows from yours truly:
1. Why has this guy been holding onto a pubic hair for 50 years?!?!
2. How do you put a valuation on Elvis’s pubes? Is it just one hair worth $5,000 by itself? What if there were 5 or 6 plucked? Would that be worth $25-$30,000? Fuck credit cards and certified checks, you could buy a new house with a handful of pubes.
3. How weird is his ex-wife that she goes around plucking pubes off of people? That might be the weirdest part of all this. Why not just pluck hairs off of Elvis’s beautiful head? Weird, man…
4. Is there some special DNA used to prove that it’s a real ball hair and not just a hair off of his leg? If I’m spending 5 Grand I need a guarantee that it’s an official pube.
5. Pretty sure this guy’s ex-wife is Forrest Gump’s mom and she plucked it while a young Elvis was staying at the Gump household.
6. We’ve sold a couple t-shirts and I think the first Bottlegate purchase might have to be this pube. Screw getting on new servers or upgrading the website, I want some nut fuzz from the greatest rock and roll singer of all time.