Your Cleveland Browns Week 1 Heroes And Zeroes

Totally new and original concept here on Bottlegate dot com. Every Tuesday or so we’ll be posting what was good and what was bad about the Browns game from Sunday. You could say we’re a bunch of Internet content trailblazers and you’d probably be right.

As you may have guessed, there are A LOT of zeroes when you lose 31-10.

And we’re off!



Andy Lee: When you start a blog post about what was good about the Browns on Sunday and it leads off with the punter, you know you’re in for a treat. Like I said in the Game Tape, Andy Lee has a fucking bazooka as a leg. Just look at these numbers:

via @wjcgibson
via @wjcgibson

Might even have to get me a Lee jersey.


Brian Hartline: 2 catches for 20 yards doesn’t do anything to make it move but that one hander was super nice. Also, we need to have a serious talk. If I hear one more person refer to Hartline as a “professional,” I’m going to blow my brains out.

Travis Benjamin: 3 catches 89 yards with a 54 yard bomb from Manziel. Travis carried his solid preseason over to game one. He’s on pace for 1,424 receiving yards and 16 touchdowns this season. He’ll obviously probably get that.


1st half Johnny Manziel: Manziel ended the first half 4-6 for 93 yards 1 TD and had a 149.3 passer rating. He looked in control and confident. I’d murder someone if my quarterback could put up those numbers every half.

Austin Davis: If McCown is unable to go on Sunday then we’ll be one play away from Austin Davis leading us to the promised land.

Physics and gravity: We all know F=MA so when Josh McCown is running full speed and a 6’2 240 linebacker is running full speed, the linebacker will usually win. Add in the fact that McCown was airborne which means the linebacker will always win and Josh will always get a concussion.

The Muni Lot: Heard from our Snapchat correspondents that the Jets tailgate scene sucks and the Muni Lot shits on whatever thing they do outside of MetLife. No surprise. Lose the game, win the party. Always.


2nd half Johnny Manziel: 9-18 89 yards one interception and two fumbles. The ol’ Jekyll and Hyde. Obviously the lack of running game hurt our passing attack but Johnny has to take care of the football. This team can’t afford to have 3 turnovers in a half. 99% of teams in the NFL can’t afford to have 3 turnovers in a half.

Joe Haden: Brandon Marshall didn’t put up huge numbers but there was a stretch in the 3rd quarter when everything was snowballing and we needed someone to make a play on defense. Instead, Brandon Marshall started big dicking around and decided to catch everything thrown his way. Marshall only finished with 6 catches for 62 yards receiving but it was the timing of those catches while being guarded by Haden that really stood out.

Offensive line: Yuck. Puke. The Jets have a very formidable front seven but there were no holes to be seen. When your leading rushers are your quarterbacks when they scramble, you know your rushing offense needs work.

My friends who went to NYC for the weekend: Hey idiots way to waste all your money just to see the Browns lose by 21 points! Hope that Saturday morning 6:30 am flight out of Akron-Canton was worth it, chumps.

Pass rush: It’ll be a lonnnngggg season if the defense is unable to put pressure on the quarterback. If we give Flacco, Dalton, or Big Ben the time we gave Fitzpatrick on Sunday we won’t win one divisional game. Pass rush needs to step up in a big way next weekend when they go up against a rookie quarterback.

Anyone who watched: Self explanatory. We’re all zeroes.

My waistline: When the Browns lose I get depressed. When I get depressed I eat and drink beer as a coping mechanism. Don’t think the Browns win many games this season so my 10-15 lb weight gain in the fall is inevitable. When November and December roll around I’ll have a beard and be permanently living in baggy hoodies. Can’t see a double chin under a beard or fat rolls under baggy hoodies.


Bring on the Titans!




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