From Cleveland19.com:

“YOUNGSTOWN, OH (WOIO) – Police near Youngstown were called to a house Friday by a man who complained he’d gotten too high smoking marijuana.

Austintown Township police found the 22-year-old balled up in a fetal position on the floor. According to the police report, he was groaning and surrounded by snacks like Doritos, Goldfish crackers and Chips Ahoy cookies.

He reportedly told officers he couldn’t feel his hands.

A glass jar of marijuana and paraphernalia was found in the man’s car, police said. So far has not been charged.”

“Yes, hello? 911? How much pot can you smoke before you die? Asking for a friend.”

Kids these days. Laying on the floor in the fetal position covered in gluttony is more or less how like 50% of my days on earth have ended. Sack up pal. I’d actually be thankful if I lost feeling in my hands because I wouldn’t be able to shovel any more calories into my suck hole. Chug some water, sleep it off and live to see another day. Or just call the cops on yourself or whatever.

Whoever wrote the police report here deserves some sort of award though. The picture they painted in my brain is nothing short of magnificent.