From Cleveland Scene

A Brecksville man was cited for disorderly conduct in federal court on Friday after admitting to a park ranger that he regularly masturbates in a Cuyahoga Valley National Park parking lot, among other public locations.

The man, Andrew Gill, was tracked down in late August after a woman reported to park rangers that a man in a blue Honda waved at her and then “held his genitals” and “masturbated” towards her from his car as she went by near the Red Lock trailhead. This was shortly after an Eastlake woman was reported missing in the park, and the woman says she “was afraid he may have something to do” with her disappearance, so she blocked him in the parking lot to protect other women in the lot.

The park ranger was able to track Gill down, and he admitted to everything the woman said, and more, according the citation just filed: “Gill admitted to knowing women were in the parking lot. He said she pulled his genitals out of his shorts and rubbed them and masturbated.”

Gill also told the ranger he’s been masturbating in parks for at least two years, including in the Brecksville Reservation of the Cleveland Metroparks.

“He said he deserves a couple days in jail,” the ranger wrote.

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Well that was quite the story, huh? Usually every day I wake up thinking I’m going to post something here about Cleveland sports. Maybe talk about Johnny Manziel being named starter or the Cavs winning their eighth game in a row. Today…. is not that day. Nope. Today we’re tackling the hard hitting topic of jacking off in your car.

First off, I frequently walk my dog in this park and this is weird to say the least. This is my dog. Stud, right?

Second, “Serial Park Masturbator” sticks with you forever. You never live that title down. You’ll always be known as the guy who masturbates inside of your car at city parks. No matter how successful you are in life and no matter how much money you make you’re known as the “jerks off in his car guy.”

In my 26 years of life I’ve heard of “serial killers” and “serial films” but I’ve never heard of a “serial park masturbator.” That’s easily the most specific and gross of the “serial” family.

I guess my main point is… Andrew, there’s this thing called the internet where’s there’s millions upon millions of hours worth of videos and pictures of anything you can imagine and it’s right at your fingertips. Seriously. Porn, Kermit the Frog memes, and cat videos are what the internet was made for. Instead of parking your car and watching dudes in short shorts and moms in jeans walk by you can sit in front of your laptop all day and search for whatever combination of nouns and adjectives your cooky little dirty mind can come up with! Crazy, I know. And unlike what you did, you can delete this history.

I love how the guy just casually mentions he’s been doing this for two years. “Yeah um sorry… So, 2 days? Yeah, that’s about right. My bad, guys.” Kinda have to respect his humility. Kinda?

It’s like that line from Mighty Ducks- “2 minutes? Well worth it.”

“There goes Andrew, the man who never heard of internet porn… and who jerks off in his car at city parks”

PS- Obligatory: