From Cleveland.com: 

“EUCLID, Ohio — An 85-year-old Euclid man’s home has become the target of mysterious egging attacks that began in March 2014 and haven’t stopped.

Clemens green two-story house sits on the corner of Wilmore Avenue and East 210th Street. He and his wife bought the home as newlyweds about 60 years ago. Though his wife has since passed away, Clemens still lives there with his 49-year-old daughter and 51-year-old son.

The house has been pelted with eggs several times a week — sometimes more than once a day — for the past year. The attacks always happen after dark and last around 10 minutes each.

The family has been awoken as late as 2 a.m. by what sounds like the crack of a gunshot against the aluminum siding or front door. Clemens and police believe the eggs are being launched from a block or two away.”

I’m not gonna copy and paste the whole article here but do yourself a favor, click the link and go read the entire thing. A thousand words broken up into three (!) sections about “stealth egg attacks”. God damnit I love America.

First off, the article itself. It’s just one giant troll job by Cleveland.com right? Like the family pestered and pestered them to do a story on this, they finally caved (“Alright alright we’ll do the fucking story!”) but decided to write it in the most absurd fashion possible. I mean there’s murders every other day on cleveland.com that get a third of the words this “crime” got.

“”The accuracy is phenomenal,” Albert Clemens, Sr. said.”

“Euclid police have not taken the investigation lightly. They’ve spent a year doing undercover stakeouts, canvassing the neighborhood and even sending eggshells for testing. “

“The guilty parties don’t appear to be intimidated by police interest in the case. An officer last year was taking a report when a barrage of eggs was launched at the house. One hit him in the foot.”

Just fantastic stuff. I used to see how ridiculous I could make my papers sound for Religious Texts class in college, but this blows any of my work clear out of the water. Tip of the cap to you, Ryllie Danylko (possible fire emoji?).

As far as the story goes…these cats are launching eggs from TWO BLOCKS AWAY and consistently hitting the front door?

Are any of them free once a week from like the beginning of September to the end of December?

PS Check out the comments on the article. Folks are getting HEATED. Drones are discussed.