From KRON 4

OHIO (KRON) — An Ohio woman is accused of stabbing her boyfriend in the groin after he ate her salsa Sunday evening.

According to police, 50-year-old Phyllis Jefferson stabbed her boyfriend, 61-year-old Ronnie D. Buckner, using a pen after she discovered he had eaten all of her salsa.

When Buckner called 9-1-1, Jefferson fled the scene.  Responding officers found Buckner on the floor with stab wounds.

According to officials, Buckner was transported to the hospital and treated for injuries considered non life-threatening.

Jefferson was arrested later in the evening when highway officers pulled her over.  Jefferson admitted to the stabbing, and is charged with felonious assault and criminal damages.

A pen? You used a Bic to stab a guy in his junk? That’s it. Lock this woman away for life. We live in a society, we can’t have women running around all willy nilly stabbing groins with ballpoint pens. Can’t have it. Won’t have it.

On one hand, I can see why she’d be so upset. Running out of salsa/dip is ONE OF THE WORST THINGS EVER. Have you ever had a plain Tostito/Lay’s chip? Boring. Not for me. It’s like a lightly salted thin piece of tree bark. I need that salsa con queso or french onion dip on every chip I eat (this probably explains my double chin).

Finishing the last bit of salsa is probably not “stab your partner repeatedly in his reproductive organ with an ink pen until he bleeds” bad… But it’s still pretty terrible. The least he could have done was offer to go down to Speedway and pick up a new jar. C’mon, relationships are a two way street. Everyone knows that.

This was also a very enjoyable headline to write.