robbery | Bottlegate

VIA Cleveland.com

AKRON, Ohio — A Cleveland man will spend four years in prison for stealing Sour Patch Kids candy at gunpoint from an Akron convenience store.

Garth Nation, 23, previously pleaded guilty to aggravated robbery with a gun in the Feb. 28 robbery. Summit County Common Pleas Judge Christine Croce sentenced him Tuesday.

Nation walked into the Family Dollar on Arlington Road, left and returned about 10 minutes later with a sawed-off shotgun.

Nation grabbed the candy and walked up to the register. Nation pulled out his sawed-off shotgun and demanded cash as the employee rang up the sale.

First off, awesome name. Now when people Google “Garth Brooks Fan Club,” stories of a dude stealing second rate candy with a shotgun will pop up.

Second, I’ve read about a lot of robberies in my days of blogging and I can 100% say for certain that I’ve never seen someone rob a store with a SAWED OFF SHOTGUN for a pack of Sour Patch Kids. What am I missing here? How were there no other items he could find in the entire store that he wanted? Sour Patch Kids are the most overrated candy on the planet. I mean, sure they’re OK tasting for a little bit but after the taste is gone they stick to your teeth for about 5 days. Fuck that. Only teenagers like the super sugary candy like Sour Patch Kids and Mike and Ikes. Be an adult and eat chocolate.

If I’m brandishing my shotgun in some innocent Family Tree employee’s face then I’m at least stealing some Reese’s or a Butterfinger. Maybe a bottle of Sprite and some Jack Links Beef Jerky or a bag of Combos. None of this Sour Patch Kids nonsense, only 6 year olds like that kind of stuff. While this guy is definitely a psycho for using a sawed off shotgun to steal, he’s more of a psycho for choosing Sour Patch Kids as his go-to item.

Per usual, the esteemed brainy bunch over in the comment section of Cleveland.com brought it strong

From Cleveland Scene

CLEVELAND, Ohio — A bank robber captured after he posted a picture of himself with stolen cash on Instagram will spend nearly 12 years in federal prison.

Rodney Johnson Jr., 22, and Laron Lloyd, were charged in the Dec. 7, 2013 robbery of the Fifth Third Bank in the 12000 block of Cedar Road in Cleveland Heights.

Johnson brandished a silver revolver and the pair made off with $6,701 in cash, according to an affidavit.

Johnson was arrested four days later after the FBI and Johnson’s probation officer in a separate case matched an Instagram photo with bank surveillance photos.

Johnson confessed to his part in the robbery during an interview. He pleaded guilty in September to armed bank robbery and brandishing a firearm

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Oops. Poor Rodney. Do these narc judges and FBI agents not know the point of Instagram? It’s to post normal everyday pictures, add a filter to make the picture look cooler than it really is, add a couple hashtags, add a couple emojis, and voila you’re getting at least 50 likes.

Add in the fact these bros are wearing suits, ski masks, and throwing hunnids in the air, and one is holding a gun… I almost wish the judge would throw out all the charges. I mean, that’s just a fantastic Instagram pic. It looks like it could be the cover of a G-Unit album. If it showed up on my feed, I’m 100% giving it a double tap.