Tag Archives: team

Building a Football Roster of Movie Characters; The Defense

March 6, 2015 Mike Leave a comment

So on Twitter earlier this week we started to kick around the idea that if you had the first pick in a Fantasy draft of football movie and TV characters, who would be the #1 pick? Being the Friday Night Lights fan that I am, I would pick Tim Riggins. Texas Forever, no questions asked.

That got the wheels turning and pretty soon I was putting together an entire team filled with on-screen football legends. The Waterboy, Little Giants, Blue Mountain State, etc. are all represented.

A few rules: No professional football players aka no Terrell Owens from Any Given Sunday or Bill Romanowski from The Longest Yard.

First up, the defense. We’ll run a standared 3-4. You’d be surprised how many really good linebackers there are in football movies. Cornerback is a weakness but that won’t be a problem with the amount of pressure we’ll put on the quarterback. We’re sending at least 2 guys on blitzes every play.

Defensive Coordinator- Bill Yoast (Remember The Titans)

Anyone who can give a speech like this on the sidelines in the middle of a game will be my DC 100 out of 100 times.

DL- Lattimer (The Program)

Easy choice here. Size, strength, intensity… only if he’s on the juice though. Has some of the most intimidating face paint you’ll ever see. Need guys like him to take on double teams and free up lanes for the inside linebackers. Athletic enough to drop into coverage and strong enough to shed blockers at the line. STARTING DEFENSE PLACE AT THE TABLE.

DL- Julius Campbell

All-American. Quick off the edge. Had one of the best speeches of the movie. “Attitude reflect leadership, captain”

DL- Switowski (The Longest Yard)

No explanation needed.

ILB- Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)

Absolute no brainer. Old school throwback player that plays with a tenacity that makes Ray Lewis seem like Todd from Wedding Crashers. As long as his batshit crazy mother stays away, he’ll be the leader on defense.

ILB- Spike (Little Giants)

Has all the intangibles and plays with a ~~refrigerator~~ chip on his shoulder. Typical angry pre-teen who was probably on HGH as an 11 year old. Was the kid in sports who hit puberty before everyone else and dominated the little leagues. I mean, the motherfucker carried refrigerators and did pull ups on his dad’s arm for fun. Also speaks in third person (must be all the human growth hormone)

OLB- Thad Castle (Blue Mountain State)

Every team needs a Gronk on it and ours is no different. Keeps the huddle light hearted but can also rush the hell out of the quarterback. When he’s not hungover/drunk/high he could be the defense’s most talented player.

OLB- Luke Cafferty (Friday Night Lights TV)

Barely made the cut. Doesn’t possess the size and strength of the prototypical outside linebacker but makes up for it with his toughness and smarts on the field.

If he stays away from that idiot Becky, he’ll be alright. Sidenote: Becky is the worst character from any TV series ever. THE WORST.

HATE YOU BECKY.

CB- Alan Bosley (Remember The Titans)

Makes the team on looks alone. Isn’t great at coverage, gets burned occasionally but is the exemplary teammate as evidenced by giving up his spot to Petey Jones. The last of a dying breed of white cornerbacks. Jason Sehorn 2.0.

Pretty solid dancer too

CB- Earl Wilkinson

Criminal and former star defensive back. Brings a nastiness and toughness to the position to contrast Gosling’s (Alan) finesse style of play

(guy on the left)

SS- Torres (The Longest Yard)

Smokes cigarettes on the field. Wears 00. Mean spirited and plays with a chip on his shoulder. Great downhill speed but below average coverage skills. Loves daytime talk shows.

FS- Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)

Captain. Tenacious. Love my DB’s wearing single digit numbers. Will rack up a penalty a game for a late hit.

K- Nigel Gruff

Because every team needs a swearing, alcoholic, degenerate gambling Welsh kicker on their team. Nigel and Torres can share cigarettes on the field.

So, what do you think? Leave your comments/suggestions below or tweet us @Bottlegate, bitches

Stay tuned for the offense

General

What if pro wrestlers played football? Fielding a team of WCW & WWE Superstars

December 19, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

Originally written in winter of 2012 but since today is a slow day I figured I’d share

Got around to wondering what would a football team would look like compiled of past and current professional wrestlers. Most of these selections begin at the time when WCW was still battling WWF in the ratings and go up until today’s wrestlers. Also, these selections were made when the guys were in their prime.

Obviously offensive linemen, defensive linemen, and linebackers are the strongest group. There were about a billion to choose from.

Here is the Professional wrestling 2013 football roster:

OFFENSE

SKILL POSITIONS

Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig QB 6’3 250– Easy choice here. Golden boy. Laser rocket arm. All American. Good mental toughness. Plus he can throw to himself. He’s perfect.

Backup: Dolph Ziggler

D Lo Brown RB 6’3 250– In the mold of a Jerome Bettis. Quick on his feet and can get the tough yardage when you need. Plus I would love to see his strut and head shake while he’s in pads.

Backup: Rey Mysterio- The lightning to D Lo’s thunder

Stone Cold FB 6’2 252– Played fullback in The Longest Yard. Inspirational leader. Can pass block and open holes for D Lo. What?

Booker T WR 6’3 256– Can be a big, possession receiver. Not necessarily a stretch the field type guy but can make the big catch when it counts. Best celebration dances.

Shelton Benjamin WR– 6’2 248- Our speed guy on the edge. Can get open deep and is a very good downfield blocker. Was a South Carolina state champion in the 100m dash and 2x all state football performer. By far the most athletic player on the roster.

Rey Mysterio Jr. WR/RB 5’6 175– Slot receiver. Can also line up in the backfield and be a Darren Sproles type back. Will play with his mask on; breathing is a concern.

Randy Orton TE 6’5 240– Perfect size for a tight end in today’s pass happy league. Lean, fast, good hands. Can stretch the field a la Vernon Davis.

OFFENSIVE LINEMEN

Kevin Nash (Diesel) T 6’11 328– We need athletic, big, strong tackles here. Nash possesses the quickness to take on speed rushing defensive ends and the strength to seal the edge in the run game.

Kane T 6’10 315– Underrated quickness in pass protection. The Big Red Machine Grades out at 97%.

Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner G 6’1 276– Originally put him as a D Tackle but his size and weight make him the perfect guard. Can easily get to the next level and will finish. Great at pulling. Will lead the team in pancake blocks.

Vader G 6’5 450– Not the fleetest of foot, can’t pull on a sweep but will never give up a sack and always finishes his blocks. Has a mean streak to him. Comparable to Richie Incognito.

Rikishi C 6’1 425– Prototypical center. Only drawback is Mr. Perfect might not be too keen to get under center in fear of getting a Stink Face.

Backups: Khali, Big Show. Both lack quickness and play stiff. Can still do a servicable job of filling in at any line position.

DEFENSE

Would switch between a 3-4 and a 4-3

LINEBACKERS

Sting OLB 6’3 250 – Great strength and speed. Face paint under his facemask reminds you of Lattimer from The Program or that tool from Texas Tech. His Stinger Splash would make him a threat to sack the QB every play.

The Rock OLB 6’5 260– Most obvious choice in the world here. Motivational team leader. Defensive captain. Size, speed, strength. Great at defending the QB option. Team Bring It. Plus he played at Miami with Ray Lewis and Warren Sapp. Would love to see him Rock Bottom a WR on a slant pattern.

Goldberg ILB 6’4 285– Second most obvious choice here. One of his finishers was literally a tackle. Played in the NFL for the Falcons and also was a starting linebacker for the Allenville Federal Penitentary Mean Machine.

Ryback ILB 6’3 291– May be certifiably insane. Don’t need to explain his skills and upside, just look at his picture. Perfect combination of Steroids and insanity. In the front running for “Most likely to kill a man from a big hit and then eat his face.”

Backups- Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan (our version of Rudy)

DEFENSIVE BACKS

Jeff Hardy FS 6’2 215– Fearless. Possesses the mindset to make him one of the most feared men on the D. Hard hitting safety with no regard for his body. Only knock on him is that he’d rather lay a big hit than try for an interception. Playmaker in the same mold as a Troy Polamalu.

Kofi Kingston CB 6’0 212– Reminds me a bit of Charles Tillman. In a pass happy league, you need a shutdown corner. Tough, physical corner who will jam you at the line. Recovery speed is top notch. One of the fastest players on the team. Will also return punts and kicks.

Hardcore Holly SS 6’0 235– The other safety might be just as crazy if not crazier than the first. Any guy who can withstand the amount of pain and punishment that Hardcore Holly did can play for my team any day.

Earnest “The Cat” Miller CB 6’2 235– A very outside of the box choice here. Big and physical. Liable in pass coverage. Thrives when able to jam receivers at the line of scrimmage. Was an All American linebacker at Savannah State University. Not afraid to come up and hit on a sweep.

DEFENSIVE LINEMEN

Brock Lesnar DE 6’3 266/295– No explanation necessary really. UFC champion, tried out for the Minnesota Vikings at DE, Just a beast of a man.

Bam Bam Bigelow DT 6’4 400– A mountain of a man. Can be a run stuffer and is able to take on double teams to open up lanes for Goldberg to Spear ball carriers. Intimidation is his strong suit. Plus has a sick head tattoo.

Mark Henry 6’4 412 DT– The world’s strongest man. Purely unblockable. Can literally squat 1006 lbs and deadlift 925 lbs. Endurance concerns are a problem however. Is liable to pass out defending a 2 minute drill.

Scott Hall 6’8 287 DE– Julius Peppers size and Bill Romanowski mentality. Would play dirty. Liable to throw a toothpick in an opponent’s eye.

Backups: John Cena, Rusev

SPECIAL TEAMS

Shawn Michaels 6’1 234 P/K– Obvious choice for kicker and punter. Strong leg. He would sweet chin music the ball all over the field.

COACH

Ric Flair– Any argument here? Can give one hell of a pregame speech. Reminds me a little bit of Jimmy Johnson at Miami. How cool would it be to see limousine ridin, jet flyin son of a gun with a headset roaming the sidelines?

Cheerleaders

X- FACTOR

Hornswoggle. When defending extra points and field goal attempts Hornswaggle subs in for Hardcore Holly and gets thrown in the air by Ryback and Goldberg in hopes of blocking the kick. Will work around 55% of the time. Crowd favorite. Will inspire little people all around the world to play football.