Via Cleveland Scene

According to Fox8, a man in his early 20s stole around $2,000 in 5-Hour Energy drinks between Oct. 7 and Nov. 8. In October, the thief hit up a Springfield Walmart, gliding in and perusing the shelves before taking off with the store’s entire stock of the drink. By Nov. 7, the man struck a Brimfield Walmart, lifting again the entire stock of 5-Hour Energies. However, police were able to catch up to the perp, snagging his loot before he fled on foot. There, police collected two grand in stolen energy boosters.

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the energy drink snatching man was caught stealing a Northface jacket from Nordstrom Rack at Crocker Park and was promptly detained. Since his arrest, police have said cities all over the area have been calling into the Cuyahoga County jail that’s holding him saying he’s stolen from them as well. According to police, the man was reselling the drinks to convenience stores for quick cash to supplement a heroin addiction.

Ah, the ol’ Five Hour Energy five finger discount.

Now I’m a big fan of caffeine, an addict if you will. I put down a cup of coffee and 2 Five Hour Energys at the Buckeye game yesterday. But $2,000 worth of Five Hour Energys is just preposterous. Either this guy has about 4 tests to study for or he’s been partying for about 4 days straight. That’s really the only reason I take 5HE (Five Hour Energys), to study/do boring work or to party. Let’s just totally ignore the part where he was reselling the 5HEs to get money for heroin because that’s just depressing.

This leads me to another point. I think I’m becoming immune to caffeine. On a normal day I’ll have a large coffee from Dunkin Donuts or a Monster energy drink in the morning, a coffee in the afternoon, and then 2 scoops of preworkout before I go to the gym. Aside from the preworkout (that stuff is legalized meth) I don’t think I feel any effects from coffee, Red Bulls, or 5HEs. I’m pretty much immune. I could chug a 16 oz. Red Bull and fall asleep on the couch in ten minutes.

This begs the question, what’s the next step if coffee and normal caffeine has lost its luster? Do I need to upgrade to cocaine? What about Adderall? Even in college I’ve never had Adderall and I feel like I’m really missing out. I imagine if I was on Adderall I could churn out 6-7 blog posts a day easily and this blog could start making some moves. Could be fun. Or I’ll just start doing meth and this website will become a site dedicated to Cleveland sports and hard drugs. Whatever works I guess.

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