Like every other red-blodded American you’ll be sitting in front of a TV, beer in one hand, pizza in the other, ready to watch the Patriots and Seahawks square off in Super Bowl 49. If you’re like me you probably have at least 10 or 11 different bets ready to go for the game. Aside from the normal betting lines, over/unders, player props, you’ll be throwing your hard earned money on the dumb random asinise stuff like the National Anthem length, coin flip, and the color of Katy Perry’s hair. There’s no greater thrill than betting the rent on the color of a pop star’s hair when she performs at halftime. It’s what separates the men from the boys.

The Super Bowl is when we’re gonna thrive. All of the countless & countless & COUNTLESS bets you lost during the fall football season are erased Sunday. Things like betting Ohio State football to win under 10 games and/or betting the Cavs to win over 59 games (I did both of these oops) are nullified once you nail that Gatorade shower color.

Let’s make some money Sunday

 

The Game

Patriots (-1.5) v Seahawks

OVER/UNDER 47.5

I don’t think Belichick & Brady lose 3 Super Bowls in a row. No way no how. With all the bullshit that’s been surrounding them the past 2 weeks I think they come out strong and win pretty handily.

Pick: Patriots and OVER

 

Player Prop Bets

 

First player to score a touchdown

Marshawn Lynch	+450	BET	Rob Gronkowski	+500	BET
LeGarrette Blount	+700	BET	Julian Edelman	+800	BET
Doug Baldwin	+1,200	BET	Russell Wilson	+1,200	BET
Brandon LaFell	+1,400	BET	Shane Vereen	+1,500	BET
Luke Willson	+1,600	BET	Jermaine Kearse	+1,600	BET
Robert Turbin	+2,000	BET	Danny Amendola	+2,500	BET
Cooper Helfet	+3,000	BET	Tom Brady	+3,000	BET
Field (Any Other Player)	+500	BET	No Touchdown Scored	+15,000	BET

I’ve never gotten one of these right so we’ll throw some money on Marshawn Lynch, Julian Edelman, and Shane Vereen.

 

 

All Other Prop Bets

 

OVER/UNDER National Anthem Length

Over- 2 minutes 1 second -140

Under- 2 minutes 1 second EVEN

The anthem is being sung by Idina Menzel (you know, the chick who sings Let It Go from Frozen)

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lEI_b6OMAc&start=516

Here’s her rendition at the 2014 All Star game. As you can see she’s SLOW. Dragging out notes, dramatic pauses, all that jazz. In her All-Star game rendition she was 1 minute 59.44 seconds. That’s just for the MLB All Star game which has what, like 1,000 viewers? The Super Bowl is the biggest stage in the world and Idina is gonna milk this thing.

Pick: OVER

Coin Toss

Haven’t gotten a coin toss wrong since Rams-Patriots.

Pick: TAILS

 

Which coach will be mentioned first after kickoff?

Which coach will be shown first on TV after kickoff?

Belichick -150 (both)

Pete Carroll +110 (both)

The beginning of the game is always about Belichick. It doesn’t matter who gets the ball first it’s going to be “And let’s see what Bill Belichick and the Patriots can do on offense” or “let’s see what Bill Belichick and the Patriots can do on defense.” This Super Bowl is all about Bill and the Patriots, don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Pick: Belichick for both bets

 

Bill Belichick hoodie style

Sleeves: +145

Sleeves cut: -185

The game is being played in a climate controlled environment. Everyone is saying no sleeves. You know Bill is aware of this prop bet  and you know he’s aware that the cut sleeves are the favorite. This is why I’m picking sleeves. Bill is gonna give everyone the middle finger and stick it to the public once again.

Pick: Sleeves

 

Will “Uptown Funk” be used in a Super Bowl commercial?

Yes: +500

No: -100

You can’t walk five feet without hearing Bruno Mars belting out “Dont believe me just watch!” This song is EVERYWHERE. You know some commercial or movie trailer that’s shown in the third or fourth quarter will have it as their background music. This right here is my bet of the day.  Hammer it.

Pick: YES

 

How many viewers will the game have

Over 113 million: -300

Under 113 million: +200

Here are the viewership numbers for the past 5 Super Bowls

• 44- 106 million
• 45- 111 million
• 46- 111.3 million
• 47- 108.4 million
• 48- 111.5 million

It’s been hovering in the 111-111.5 million range the past 4 years and I think this 2 week layoff that the NFL does kinda makes the game lose some momentum. However, with all the social media, with deflategate being a national talking point, and with Katy Perry performing at halftime, this game is going over 113 million.

Pick: OVER 113 million viewers

 

Katy Perry’s first song

Firework (3-2); Roar (3-2); This is How We Do (5-1); Dark Horse (12-1); E.T. (12-1); Wide Awake (12-1); Waking Up in Vegas (20-1)

Everyone and their mother is picking Roar but I don’t see it as a good opening song. I feel like Roar is more of a “rising action” song that builds to the climax (last song) which will undoubtedly be Firework. Wide Awake has that it factor, it just sounds like an opener to me.

Her last 10 shows have opened with Roar (yes I researched). You think she’s going to open with the same setlist she’s been using? Get the hell out of here. This is the Super Bowl, she’s switching things up… If it’s not Wide Awake then E.T. is another strong candidate as well.

Pick: Wide Awake

 

Will Katy Perry show cleavage?

Yes -500

No +350

Tens of millions of men across the United States will be heartbroken if it’s a no. Therefore it SHOULD be a yes. Do the right thing, Katy. Let ’em breathe.

Pick: YES

 

Katy Perry’s hair color

Black/Brown (2-1); Pink/Red (3-1); Blue/Green (3-1); Blonde (4-1); Purple (5-1)

It’s either going to be normal black/brown or purple. I don’t like the 2/1 odds for black so I’m going with purple.

Pick: PURPLE

 

A commercial will feature under-inflated footballs

Yes: +1,000

No: -1,000

Admittedly I don’t think that any commercial using Deflategate as a joke will sneak past the NFL but these odds are just too good to pass up. You’ve gotta throw a couple of bucks on yes and hope for a big payout.

Pick: YES

 

Gatorade Shower Color

• Orange 3/2
• Yellow 5/2
• Clear/Water 3/1
• Blue 13/2
• Red 15/2
• Green 12/1

Essentially this comes down to which team you think is going to win and what color Gatorade you think they’ll be drinking for the game. I’m picking the Patriots to win. In their past 3 Super Bowl wins they’ve had clear, and then twice have had no Gatorade bath because Belichick hates fun… I don’t know why but I’m leaning red. Wildcard, bitches.

Pick: Red

 

Who will the MVP thank first?

Teammates	8/5
God	2/1
Fans/City	6/1
Owner	12/1
Coach	15/1
Family	15/1
Does not mention any of the above	5/2

 

Again, this bet focuses mostly on who you think will win the game. If the Patriots win I think the MVP will be Brady or Gronk. Brady is 100% going to thank his teammates or the organization while Gronk will probably thank Fireball  whisky or the person who invented 69’ing.

If you think the Seahawks will win, Russell Wilson is a good pick for MVP. He’s undoubtedly thanking God. Now if the Seahawks win we have to pray that Marshawn Lynch somehow wins the MVP and thanks himself or just doesn’t talk at all.

Pick: Teammates