Time for the first edition of our 2015 Cleveland Browns Drinking Game. You know what they say “If the team on your TV isn’t very good, it’s time to get wasted.” If you don’t look like this after this Browns game, then you’re doing it wrong:
We’ll try and post a new drinking game every week with rules specific to each Browns opponent. Bring on the god damn Jets.
THE RULES
1 healthy gulp
Camera shows Johnny Manziel on the sidelines
Karlos Dansby solo tackle
Camera shows Mike Pettine on the sidelines and he has zero expression on his face
Either team kicks a field goal
Any turnover
View of the NYC skyline
Any penalty
A Browns player gets a sack
A Browns player (besides Joe Haden) breaks up a pass
2 gulps
Every time an analyst says the word “Harvard”
Every time an analyst says “Revis Island”
Mention of Terrelle Pryor getting cut
Joe Haden pass breakup
The words “elbow” and “Johnny Manziel” are mentioned in the same sentence
“Buster Skrine used to play for the Browns”
Either team scores a touchdown
5 gulps
A mention of the Browns lacking playmakers on offense
Mention of Geno Smith getting punched
Mention of Ray Farmer texting
Paul Kruger sack
Mention of the Browns new uniforms
Mention that Pettine used to coach for the Jets
Either team goes 3 and out
Brian Hoyer is mentioned
Finish your beer
The telecast brings up the Browns record in season openers
Josh McCown throws a pick six
Either team scores on a safety
Joe Haden or Darrelle Revis interception
A quarterback is knocked out of the game
Johnny Manziel passing or rushing touchdown
Shotgun/Beer bong/Full chug
A defensive player scores a TD (either team)
A game winning or tying field goal
A touchdown as time runs out at the end of the game
We’re back. As big a hit as our 2015 regular season drinking game was (it wasn’t really a hit, people probably died. Read my experience here) we thought what better way to watch these Eastern Conference Finals games than following along with a set of rules designed to get you blackout drunk.
You’ll find that a lot of the guidelines are similar with some changes here and there
THE RULES
1 Healthy Gulp
Kyrie Irving assist
Kyle Korver misses a 3
Any dunk by anyone not named LeBron (both teams)
For each Cavs player handshake you see. This includes pregame intros.
When you think to yourself how bad Al Horford’s shirt under his jersey looks
A telecast mentions Delly’s toughness or grit
A JR Smith stepback 3 pointer (make or miss)
Iman Shumpert gets a steal or rebound
2 Gulps
LeBron James dunk
Every time you see someone on Twitter mention how dumb Dennis Schroder’s hair looks
JR Smith 3 pointer
Buzzer beater end of 1st or 3rd quarter
When Tristan Thompson grabs an offensive rebound and then throws down a dunk right after
The telecast shows a shot outside of the Q or anywhere in Cleveland
Cavs or Hawks build a 15 point lead
Reggie Miller or Chris Webber reference their playing days
Someone mentions JR Smith and Iman Shumpert’s time on the Knicks
TNT shows a graphic with all of the Cavaliers injuries throughout the playoffs
When Delly throws a “Delly-Oop”
5 Gulps
Each time you want to blow your brains out hearing Chris Webber and Reggie Miller talk (JK you’ll be dead by the end of the 1st quarter)
After James Jones nails a 3
Kendrick Perkins commits a foul
Buzzer beater before halftime/end of game (each team)
Anytime someone on the Cavs gets an “And 1″
Mike Miller is the first one off the bench to high five the players in the game when a timeout is taken
Cavs or Hawks build a 20 point lead
Mozgov drops a pass that hits him directly in the hands
The TNT telecast reference how the Hawks and Spurs are similar
Finish your drink
Coach Blatt gets a technical called on him
When LeBron does his whole thing where you think he’s dead and will never walk again then is fine 2 minutes later (O hi there Demarre Carroll)
Brendan Haywood & Kendrick Perkins are on the court at the same time
The game goes to overtime
Shotgun/Beer bong/Full beer chug
JR Smith crotch grab
Game winning shot (either team)
A Cavs player records a triple double
A Cavs players scores 50+ points
Finish a whole six pack and meet me at the I480 Bridge to jump
A week ago on Thursday night I drank Natty Light and it sucked. The Cavs won, Kyrie dropped 57 and I drank beer made for 18 year old high schoolers. It took me back to the years of drinking in my friend’s basement while his parents are out of town for the weekend. It was gross. It was awesome. It brought back memories. Loved and hated every second of it. If you’re unfamiliar with our Cavaliers Drinking Game, I suggest you enlighten yourself and read up on it STAT.
***
It was Thursday March 12th at around 7 pm. I was feeling good. Jordan Cameron had just signed a 2 year deal with the Browns, the weather was warmer than 30 degrees, and I was on my way to the gym (it’s almost beach season, gotta burn off the Whoppers and Doritos Locos Tacos). The Cavs were about to play the Spurs on national TV and I had just gotten done putting together a photo gallery of Tim Duncan’s girlfriend (total smoke btw, ol Timmy out kicked his coverage big time, go view the gallery here). My roommate texted me on the way to the gym:
Welp. One of my favorite Browns (who apparently just signed a deal with them an hour before this) was heading to South Beach to play with Ryan Tannehill and the Miami Dolphins. Fuck everything. Cleveland lost a good player and got a lot less sexy in the process with the departure of Jordan Cameron. There’s about a -150 chance Jordan gets with Lauren Tannehill but that’s neither here nor there.
What was I going to do? How was I going to cope with this loss? I decided I’d do what every man in their mid 20’s would do… Drink a fuck ton of alcohol until I couldn’t feel my feelings. Yep, that’s what I’d do to forget the emotional coup that I, along with many Browns fans, just experienced.
I’d put my money where my mouth was and play the Cavs Drinking Game that was created by this site about a month earlier. Ya know, do some Gonzo journalism and experience the drinking game firsthand. Dive head first into the game and see what where it would take me. Just like Hunter S. Thompson in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Ever heard of it? It was then decided I’d be drinking the nectar of the Gods, the real Champagne of Beers- Natural Light.
Why did I choose Natty Light? I don’t know, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Maybe I like to make shitty situations even shittier. Maybe I was missing college and wanted to create a Thirsty Thursday atmosphere. Whatever it was it was a dumb choice but I’m happy I did it.
I tried to keep a running blog in Microsoft Word but that didn’t go so well:
Luckily, instead of documenting my experience through words, I kept track through pictures:
30 rack of Natty Light. We’re back in college for a night, baby!
How do you cap off a night of drinking? With cardboard, salt, and broth, duh. Ramen’s still got it no matter how old you get. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
My Utopia: Sitting on a recliner, drunk, slurping up Ramen noodles in my underwear
Analysis and Recap:
Was I expecting to down a 12 pack during a routine regular season basketball game? No, not really. I didn’t think the drinking would be as aggressive as it was. It seemed like every minute or two something was happening and I was gulping down Natural Light. I was expecting more of casual sipping than having to chug a can of beer beside my dog at 11:30 pm on a Thursday night. It didn’t help that this was probably the worst game ever to pick. I felt myself slowing down in the middle of the third quarter but I couldn’t quit. As I sat there bloated from mini pizzas and shitty beer all I could think of was the Herb Brooks speech from Miracle: “Screw ’em, this is YOUR time”
FPF: Focus Passion Finish
The 4th quarter came around and I felt myself getting stronger with every Kyrie Irving made basket and every defensive stop. In the back of my head I KNEW the game was heading to overtime but I wasn’t sure if I would make it there myself. Stomach was full, eyes were heavy. I was beginning to dread every time the Cavs would do something good on the court.
When Kyrie hit that shot to send the game into overtime I shot out of my recliner but quickly realized what was about to happen. 5 gulps for a buzzer beater. “Finish your beer” if the game goes to overtime. I’d be doing both. Fuck. The beer I had in front of me was only about 20% full so the 5 gulps would be easy to do… but that meant I’d be finishing a full beer during the commercial break leading into overtime.
My eyes watered. Gagged about 4 times. Face was red and sweaty. It looked as though I had just spent an hour alone in a small room with Ahtyba Rubin. But I got the beer down and kept it down. It was valiant. It was courageous.
After the game ended and the Cavs won I rushed to the kitchen, got 2 packages of Chicken Ramen noodles and threw them in the microwave. I thought back to my Mount Union days: NOTHING quenches a Natty Light buzz better than hot bowl of microwaved Ramen.
Am I a hero for playing the Cavs drinking game? I don’t know, that term gets thrown around a little too loosely, but what I did was absolutely 100% heroic. A lesser man would’ve been brought to tears and folded… but not I.
I came. I saw. I slugged Natty Light, ate mini pizzas, and guzzled Ramen. I conquered.
Bottlegate 