The Ground Rules:

Athletes were judged in four categories. AT HIS BEST, how good looking he is at his best on a scale of 1-10. AT HIS WORST, how gross he looks at his worst on a scale of 1-10 (10 still being the best looking). PERSONALITY, what type of person he is, scale of 1-10. This can include playing style, fan interaction, social media presence, community outreach, etc. ATHLETIC ABILITY, how talented is he as an athlete on a scale of 1-3. We decided to make athletic ability worth less, so that our best athletes would have a slight advantage, but not a huge one seeing as this is a contest based on looks.

Ties were decided by the higher AT HIS BEST score. If that was also the same, the higher AT HIS WORST score was chosen.

First Three Out

 Joe Harris, Guard, Cleveland Cavaliers

 

Nick Swisher, Outfield/First Base/DH, Cleveland Indians

Justin Gilbert, Cornerback, Cleveland Browns

Top Ten

10. Spencer Lanning, Punter, Cleveland Browns

At his best – 7.75

 

At his worst – 6

Personality – 8

Athletic ability  – 0.5 

TOTAL – 22.25

First up on my list is our lovable loser of a punter, Spence Lanning. Non-rabid members of the Dawg Pound may have heard of him for the first time when he took this mule kick from Antonio Brown Week 1 in Pittsburgh:

And then was able to crack jokes about it later with Colts punter Pat McAfee

If we’re being honest, and when are we not here at Bottlegate, he’s not a very good punter. At all, really. But he’s a decent looking dude with a good sense of humor and who’s not afraid to get in there and ruffle some feathers on special teams. And I know we’re not judging testicular fortitude on this particular list (stay tuned), but it takes some serious nuts for a punter to duck-duck-goose probably the most badass player in the league.

 

9. Joey Hishon, Center, Lake Erie Monsters

At his best – 7.75

At his worst – 7

Personality – 6

Athletic ability – 1.5

TOTAL – 22.25

Maybe I’m a sucker for the traditional well-proportioned face and slicked back hair. Fine. Whatever. Shoot me. I think Hishon’s got it going on and I don’t care who knows it. Oh, what’s he look like with a hat and a sick beard, you say?

Hm. Fabulous. That’s weird. Obviously I don’t know dick about the Monsters or hockey in general but I do know a good looking dude when I see one. He was also the 17th overall pick in the 2010 NHL draft and is tied for second on the Monsters in goals, so he’s no bender (?). Hockey bros are insanely tough and he’s come back from two massive concussions. This cat is the whole package. He’ll be playing swords with Sid the Kid in no time. He’s pretty much Neal Caffrey from White Collar on ice. You guys are lucky he didn’t win the whole goddamn thing.

 

8. Michael Brantley, Outfield, Cleveland Indians

At his best – 8

At his worst – 7

 

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25

Yeah I’ll admit it. I’m a little biased when it comes to my favorite player on my favorite team. Maybe he’s not quite an 8. Maybe I love the no-nonsense way he plays the game too much. Maybe I got lost thinking about how perfect he looks in a baseball uniform, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, up at bat, with a helmet and Oakleys on, runner on second, two outs, tie game, 1-2 count, bottom of the 9th, tapping his bat twice on his shoulder, picking his front foot up to load, seeing the curveball all the way in, staying back and driving it into left-center, bringing home the game-winning run, flashing his pearly whites while he rounds first and his teammates rush out on to the field to meet him, ripping off his jersey to reveal a white tee shirt underneath as they rain down showers of water bottles upon him.

I blacked out, what happened?

7. LeBron James, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 7

At his worst – 7

Personality – 8.25

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25.25

So here’s my thing with LeBron. Would women (and myself apparently) think he’s attractive if he wasn’t arguably the best athlete on the planet? I don’t believe we would. But he is. We’re not talking about some guy who looks like LeBron here, we’re talking about the real deal. So you have to judge the whole package. He’s a well-spoken businessman who is a great leader, a role model for his community and just happens to be the best basketball player on the face of the planet. The most talked about hairline in sports doesn’t really matter to me to be honest because his forehead is so goddamn big I get distracted before I even get there. Plus, the ladies know it’s not all about that face, bout that face. And all the guys now know he’s okay in that department too, thanks to Beats by Dre. Take ME to church, LeBron!

 

6. Tristan Thompson, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 8

At his worst – 7.75

Personality – 7.5

Athletic ability – 2

TOTAL – 25.25

Tristan is just a solid looking dude all around. If it’s difficult to find a bad picture of you on the internet, you must be doing something right. He’s got a great smile and is consistently one of the best dressed guys on the squad. And his personality is right up there with the best in the city. The guy straight up switched shooting hands out of nowhere in order to up his game. How many guys in the NBA do you think would do that? He busts his ass doing the little things on the glass and on defense night in and night out. And oh yeah he’s hilarious

…but we already know how Mike feels about that.

5. Corey Kluber, Starting Pitcher, Cleveland Indians

At his best – 7.75

At his worst – 7.75

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25.5

Yes I know that’s the same picture for best and worst. Robots look the same in all situations. This particular robot has taken the form of the best pitcher in the American League sporting quite possibly the best beard as well. The fact that he has embraced the whole “Klubot” image is actually hilarious. But don’t tell him that.

 

There’s nothing better than a quirky person who is self-aware enough to embrace it. Kluber is clearly not comfortable in the public eye, but he’s turned that into a positive. I’ll bet behind closed clubhouse doors he runs around with his pants off, slapping asses and farting all over the place.

4. Kyrie Irving, Guard, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 7.25

At his worst – 7

Personality – 8.5

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25.75

Classic case of probably an average looking guy getting a serious boost from being an incredible basketball player and a hilarious individual. Things have been baaaaad the past couple years at the Q. He could have stomped his feet, pouted and made things around here uglier than Curtis Painter. At some points it seemed like he was going to. But he stuck around. That, on top of the most hilarious sports commercials this side of “This Is Sportscenter”, gives Kyrie the highest rated personality on my list. And like I said with LeBron, you gotta evaluate the whole package. Oh, and on the court?

 

3. Jason Kipnis, Second Base, Cleveland Indians

At his best – 8.25

At his worst – 7.25

Personality – 8

Athletic ability – 2.25

TOTAL – 25.75

This one I’m expecting to catch some heat for. Let the record show that his “best” picture is in uniform, in the middle of a game. If he looks that strapping in the heat of battle, can you imagine him all cleaned up? Oh wait. I can.

 

And his worst picture could pass as Channing Tatum’s identical twin. So yeah, I’d say that gets you in Cleveland’s top 3 hottest athletes. He’s also probably one of the best twitter follows of all our pros. He has a great rapport with fans, like this dickbag from September:

Was it dumb to cuss? Yeah probably. But it was also refreshing to see an athlete care enough about his personal and the team’s performance to drop a hard F bomb on twitter. Kip is A-OK in my book. And my third hottest Cleveland athlete.

2. Kevin Love, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 9.5

At his worst – 7.25

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 26.75

It seems Kevin Love is all the craze with the ladies of Cleveland nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a VERY handsome dude. He’s my second most handsome dude on any Cleveland professional sports team. But my girlfriend telling me he’s hotter than Ryan Gosling is lunacy like I’ve never heard before. Yeah he looks GQ when he’s in a GQ PHOTO SHOOT. Those guys could make me look like I don’t wear sweatpants all day and drink Arizona Iced Tea right out of the jug. But what can you do for me on a regular day, Kevin? When you don’t spend hours in makeup and get some photoshop help after the fact? I know for a FACT I’m not rolling over in bed on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking, looking at that bed head and beard and thinking, “Gosh, he’s good looking.”…if I’m a girl. But Gosling? Gosling never quits.

 

Get outta here with that noise. But yeah KLove is a smoke.

1. Jordan Cameron, Tight End, Cleveland Browns

At his best – 10

At his worst – 9.5

lol

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 2.5

TOTAL – 29

Well that was anticlimactic. I mean it wasn’t even close. The instant Mike brought up the idea to do this list, he had already won. A Pro Bowl tight end with golden locks that flow like the Euphrates who also has a decent social media presence? How could there be any other winner? If he could stay on the damn field he’d be right up there with Cleveland’s most beloved athletes right now. I really don’t have anything else to write here. Look at his goddamn face.

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Well there you have it. Like it or not, that list is 100% fact. It shook out like this:

10. Spencer Lanning

9. Joey Hishon

8. Michael Brantley

7. LeBron James

6. Tristan Thompson

5. Corey Kluber

4. Kyrie Irving

3. Jason Kipnis

2. Kevin Love

1. Jordan Cameron

Keep on the lookout for Mike’s list, and keep voting in the poll to tell me how wrong I am. Results will be tallied and posted next week.