We’re back. As big a hit as our 2015 regular season drinking game was (it wasn’t really a hit, people probably died. Read my experience here) we thought what better way to watch these Eastern Conference Finals games than following along with a set of rules designed to get you blackout drunk.
You’ll find that a lot of the guidelines are similar with some changes here and there
THE RULES
1 Healthy Gulp
Kyrie Irving assist
Kyle Korver misses a 3
Any dunk by anyone not named LeBron (both teams)
For each Cavs player handshake you see. This includes pregame intros.
When you think to yourself how bad Al Horford’s shirt under his jersey looks
A telecast mentions Delly’s toughness or grit
A JR Smith stepback 3 pointer (make or miss)
Iman Shumpert gets a steal or rebound
2 Gulps
LeBron James dunk
Every time you see someone on Twitter mention how dumb Dennis Schroder’s hair looks
JR Smith 3 pointer
Buzzer beater end of 1st or 3rd quarter
When Tristan Thompson grabs an offensive rebound and then throws down a dunk right after
The telecast shows a shot outside of the Q or anywhere in Cleveland
Cavs or Hawks build a 15 point lead
Reggie Miller or Chris Webber reference their playing days
Someone mentions JR Smith and Iman Shumpert’s time on the Knicks
TNT shows a graphic with all of the Cavaliers injuries throughout the playoffs
When Delly throws a “Delly-Oop”
5 Gulps
Each time you want to blow your brains out hearing Chris Webber and Reggie Miller talk (JK you’ll be dead by the end of the 1st quarter)
After James Jones nails a 3
Kendrick Perkins commits a foul
Buzzer beater before halftime/end of game (each team)
Anytime someone on the Cavs gets an “And 1″
Mike Miller is the first one off the bench to high five the players in the game when a timeout is taken
Cavs or Hawks build a 20 point lead
Mozgov drops a pass that hits him directly in the hands
The TNT telecast reference how the Hawks and Spurs are similar
Finish your drink
Coach Blatt gets a technical called on him
When LeBron does his whole thing where you think he’s dead and will never walk again then is fine 2 minutes later (O hi there Demarre Carroll)
Brendan Haywood & Kendrick Perkins are on the court at the same time
The game goes to overtime
Shotgun/Beer bong/Full beer chug
JR Smith crotch grab
Game winning shot (either team)
A Cavs player records a triple double
A Cavs players scores 50+ points
Finish a whole six pack and meet me at the I480 Bridge to jump
This is it. This is the day we’ve been waiting for since a certain Sports Illustrated article was published on July 11th, 2014. The 82 game preseason was fun but this is where it counts.
Everything that’s happened in the last 50 years means nothing starting today. The heartbreak, the defeat, the agony will all be forgotten starting at 3 pm.
All year we’ve had to deal with the bullshit fabricated stories and agendas spewed out by the national media. Do LeBron and Kevin Love have beef? Did you see that subtweet? Is David Blatt in over his head? Was that a shove? Did you see who was and wasn’t in that Instagram picture? Can Kyrie’s style of play co-exist with LeBron? Why isn’t this newly formed team with 10 new players going 82-0?
Fuck the national media. Fuck ESPN. Fuck Bill Simmons. Fuck Skip Bayless. Fuck Stephen A. Smith. Fuck Boston. Fuck Chicago. Fuck Atlanta. Fuck Golden State. Fuck San Antonio. It’s Cleveland against the world and if you’re not with us, you’re against us.
In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned.
Well here we are folks. As expected, the Kansas City Royals and San Francisco Giants are set to kick off the 110th Major League Baseball World Series at Kauffman Stadium tonight. The Cinderella story vs the wily vets. The team with a moose vs the team with a panda. The team whose only World Series crown came in 1985 vs the team that’s won 2 of the last 4. The American League Wild Card winners vs the National League Wild Card winners. The Royals vs the Giants.
How in the fuck?
How They Got Here
This is the first time two Wild Card teams have made it to the World Series since 2002, when the Angels beat the Giants in seven games. They took two very different routes getting here.
The Royals flirted with .500 baseball out of the gate this year. They sat in the cellar of the AL Central on June 1st with a record of 26-30. By August 1st they had improved to 56-52 and second place in the division. They then went on to win 16 of their next 20 games, tying the Tigers atop the division by month’s end and solidifying themselves as legit playoff contenders. After winning the top Wild Card spot in the American League, they’ve won all eight postseason games they’ve played en route to the fall classic.
Ernie Johnson…baseball…woof
San Francisco’s season went in a similar fashion except like the exact opposite. They held the best record in baseball (38-20) at the beginning of June. Through July they had dropped to 60-50 and two games back of the Dodgers in the West. Following one hell of a collapse by the Milwaukee Brewers (their main competitors in the WC), the Giants secured a Wild Card spot and crawled into the playoffs with a whimper. They kicked the shit out of Pittsburgh (:-)) in the play-in game, won three 1-run games against Washington in the NLDS and took 4 of 5 from the Cardinals to set up their do-si-do with KC.
How They Match Up
Kansas City
If offense really does win games and defense really does win championships, well…
Kansas City has been playing unfathomable defense in October. Lorenzo Cain is the breakout star of the playoffs because of catches like that. Alex Gordon has been one of the best defensive outfielders in the game for years now. Eric Hosmer can pick it at first. Sally Perez has a cannon behind the dish. And fucking Mike Moustakas, Prince of the Indians Killers, is even getting in on the action. You know it’s your year when The Moose suddenly becomes productive in the playoffs.
And anybody who’s watched any Royals games all year knows you can pretty much turn it off if they have the lead after the 6th inning. Kelvin Herrera, Wade Davis and Greg Holland are flat out the best 7-8-9 combo in the bigs. Here are their playoff stats (click to enlarge):
Davis and Holland have appeared in all 8 games they’ve played, Herrera 7. 10 Ks, 1 ER each. Normally you want to work to get a starter out of the game as fast as possible to get to a team’s bullpen. With Kansas City? Not so much.
San Francisco
The Giants have had a bit tougher of a road to the World Series, losing one game each to Washington and St. Louis. The Washington series especially, where every game except their loss was decided by one run and every Nationals starting pitcher tossed a quality start against them. They have something the Royals don’t right now though and that’s an ace that is pitching like one. NLCS MVP Madison Bumgarner has been lights out throughout October and it doesn’t seem like he’ll slow down against a Royals lineup that counts on four lefties for a good amount of their production (Gordon, Hosmer, Moustakas, Nori Aoki). He also enjoys beer, but knows his limits.
Jake Peavy has been very good in the two games he’s started as well. And although they don’t get the press the Kansas City guys do, their bullpen has been just about as good as their Midwestern counterparts. Yusmeiro Petit, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt have all gone at least six innings without surrendering an earned run. Former closer Sergio Romo has been solid as well, sans the walk-off homer he served up to Kolten Wong in Game 2 of the NLCS.
Offensively, the Giants undoubtedly sport the bigger stars. Buster Posey, Hunter Pence and Pablo Sandoval are all household names that have played and produced in October before. But experience is only part of the puzzle. Hosmer has been probably the hottest hitter in the entire playoffs, much more so than any of the Giants big names, and Cain is not far behind. If “Big Game James” Shields (who owns a 5.19 career ERA in the playoffs, aka big games) can go toe-to-toe with MadBum, it’ll be up to the young Royals hitters to outshine the guys who have been there before.
-Royals RP Brandon Finnegan may become the first player in history to appear in the College World Series and the Major League Baseball World Series in the same calendar year.
-Radio stations in San Francisco have started to ban Lorde’s banger “Royals” from their airwaves, seemingly ignoring the fact that nobody is listening to their stations anyway because they’re just now refraining from playing that song.
-After their victory in the ALDS, Hosmer and a couple other Royals took care of the tab for an entire bar near Kauffman Stadium for the last hour of the night. I love the Indians but if the Royals win this thing I’m gonna buy myself a baby blue T shirt & a plane ticket to Kansas City and see what happens.
-Steve Perry (former Journey front-man) is a Giants fan. Paul Rudd is a Royals fan. Boom, 70% of Fox’s broadcast banter.
I’m having trouble picturing how the Royals will lose one game, let alone four. MadBum may get them once, possibly twice, but other than that I don’t see the Giants being able to stop this freight train from Kansas City. Two things happen in the playoffs: runs come at a premium, and games go down to the wire. The Royals are swinging it well, can create runs with the stolen base (13 SB) and have the best 7-8-9 combo out of the bullpen in baseball. And like I said earlier, you don’t get four postseason home runs and possibly the best catch in playoff history from Mike Moustakas and lose the World Series. Royals in 5.
(Former Indian Jeremy Guthrie, who also happened to play for those O’s for five years)
Bottlegate 