Tag Archives: top 10

10 Reasons to hate the Oregon Ducks if you’re a Buckeyes fan

January 8, 2015 Mike 1 Comment

College football. A sport littered with rivalries and downright hatred between fanbases. Ohio State-Michigan, Auburn-Alabama, Oregon State-Oregon. The most passionate and insane fans call the college side home on the gridiron.

In the past three games, Ohio State has played some pretty “hateable” competition; Michigan (obviously); Wisconsin (Big Ten rival, have had some great matchups with the Bucks the past couple of years); and my personally most hated school/state in the US- Alabama. 3 schools that are easy to hate if you’re a Buckeye fan. But what about Ohio State’s opponent in the national championship games? There’s nothing really to hate about Oregon, right?

Wrong.

There’s plenty to do with the University of Oregon that’ll sharpen your Hatred Knife. From Phil Knight to their uniforms to their mascot, here are the Top 10 reasons to hate the Oregon Ducks presented in no order (except #1… #1 is in a class all by itself)

Honorable Mention:

KISS- Keep It Simple, Stupid. Short & quick and to the point while presenting a valid statement. Hipsters. Fucking. Suck. Oregon has tons of hipsters.

If A=B and B=C then A=C.

Hipsters suck… so that means Oregon sucks. Yeah your face just got melted off due to the Transitive Property.

Top 10 in no order (except #1)

10. Their uniforms are trash

Oh, I know how we can be cool. Let’s have a different uniform combination EVERY game ever. GREAT IDEA!! Sure, lets leave our uniform decision up to an 11 year old with ADHD who hasn’t taken his Ritalin in 5 months.

I imagine the conversation to go something like this every week:

“Hey this neon green will go good with a dark purple”

“But Phil, purple isn’t one of our school colors”

“Shut up, we just released the new Kobe 9s, we’re using purple!”

Fuck school colors. Fuck tradition. Let’s wear whatever Nike is pushing that month.

Joey Bosa summed it up perfectly

9. This snowball fight video

Oh, no big deal just members of the Oregon football team pelting professors in the face with snowballs. Slap on the wrist here, slap on wrist there. Jerks.

8. Marcus Mariota

He’s so perfect. So great. What a choir boy. Nah. You’re a QB in a very quarterback friendly system. You don’t hear much from Jeremiah Massoli or Darron Thomas nowadays, do you? What about Dennis Dixon? Oh, that’s right they were all Oregon QBs who had great college careers but flamed out in the NFL. The next Oregon QB will throw for 30 TDs and rush for 15 TDs. Snore. The QB after that will do the same. And the one after that and the one after that. Not impressed.

7. They thought this was hilarious after the FSU game

Making fun of a horrible & unspeakable act? Classy.

6. They run a dirty program

You think tattoos are bad? They gave away shaving supplies aka FREE RAZORS. Now I don’t know about you but any university that gives away deadly weapons like that shouldn’t be a university. The administration at Oregon should be ashamed.

Laser tag and MINI GOLF? Throw the book at them. Dirty I tell you. DIRTY!

5. Oregon is in bed with Phil Knight

The whole university is run by the co-founder of some company that builds shoes; Phil Knight.

These are a few excerpts from an article SI did on him awhile back. You can read the full article here

When Phil Knight gets to his suite at Autzen Stadium to watch his beloved Oregon Ducks, he can put on his headset and listen to the Ducks’ coaches call plays.

Without Knight, Oregon would be thrilled to go to the Holiday Bowl. Without Knight, Oregon would be asking for money instead of printing it.

No, most of Knight’s spending is about recruiting. He spends to excess in order to impress high school kids.

By the time Knight is done with this football facility, he will have spent more than $300 million transforming Oregon athletics.

I’s sure none of the athletes there NEVER get any under the table perks. Never.

4. Their mascot

It’s bad enough when your mascot is a duck. It’s even worse when it’s a blatant ripoff of the least intimidating Disney cartoon character ever.

3. Chip Kelly screwed the Browns over

It started off with this

Which led to this and everyone got excited:

But wait….

Welp. Fuck.

Chip Kelly I hate you and hate the program that you built.

2. Their basketball court

Who signed off on this? No doubt one of the ugliest sporting venues in the United States

Because NOTHING says “basketball” like a forest painted onto a hardwood court.

1. This song

Remember the 90’s smash hit “Return of the Mack?” You know the classic song that goes “You lied to me…” Awesome song, right? Put that on at any party/at any bar and you’re the hit of the night…

Well…

The University of Oregon took that classic, spit on it, stepped on it, ran it over with a lawnmower, cut it up with a machete and then buried it in the backyard with their rendition titled “Return of the Quack.”

Imagine the sound of Stephen Hawking having sex, mix that with Flo from Progressive’s voice, add knives & forks scratching on a plate… Take all of those sounds and add them together… and you’ll have the same musical pitch and melody of this “song.” It doesn’t help that the singers each sound like a Cocker Spaniel getting neutered. If you don’t believe me, just give it a listen.

FUCK that song. Sick Casey Matthews reference btw…

***

PS- I didn’t really hate the Oregon football team before compiling this list but after working on this I talked myself into genuinely hating them. I do respect them but the hate flows strong through my veins.

Can’t wait till Monday

Go Bucks

Cleveland

AI’s Top 10 Hottest Cleveland Professional Athletes

December 5, 2014 Ai Leave a comment

The Ground Rules:

Athletes were judged in four categories. AT HIS BEST, how good looking he is at his best on a scale of 1-10. AT HIS WORST, how gross he looks at his worst on a scale of 1-10 (10 still being the best looking). PERSONALITY, what type of person he is, scale of 1-10. This can include playing style, fan interaction, social media presence, community outreach, etc. ATHLETIC ABILITY, how talented is he as an athlete on a scale of 1-3. We decided to make athletic ability worth less, so that our best athletes would have a slight advantage, but not a huge one seeing as this is a contest based on looks.

Ties were decided by the higher AT HIS BEST score. If that was also the same, the higher AT HIS WORST score was chosen.

First Three Out

Joe Harris, Guard, Cleveland Cavaliers

Nick Swisher, Outfield/First Base/DH, Cleveland Indians

Justin Gilbert, Cornerback, Cleveland Browns

Top Ten

10. Spencer Lanning, Punter, Cleveland Browns

At his best – 7.75

At his worst – 6

Personality – 8

Athletic ability – 0.5

TOTAL – 22.25

First up on my list is our lovable loser of a punter, Spence Lanning. Non-rabid members of the Dawg Pound may have heard of him for the first time when he took this mule kick from Antonio Brown Week 1 in Pittsburgh:

And then was able to crack jokes about it later with Colts punter Pat McAfee

I'll talk to him for you, Pat.

“@PatMcAfeeShow: Can you leave this move at home this wknd? @AntonioBrown84 pic.twitter.com/dszwB0P7hY”

— Spencer Lanning (@LanningSpencer) October 21, 2014

If we’re being honest, and when are we not here at Bottlegate, he’s not a very good punter. At all, really. But he’s a decent looking dude with a good sense of humor and who’s not afraid to get in there and ruffle some feathers on special teams. And I know we’re not judging testicular fortitude on this particular list (stay tuned), but it takes some serious nuts for a punter to duck-duck-goose probably the most badass player in the league.

9. Joey Hishon, Center, Lake Erie Monsters

At his best – 7.75

At his worst – 7

Personality – 6

Athletic ability – 1.5

TOTAL – 22.25

Maybe I’m a sucker for the traditional well-proportioned face and slicked back hair. Fine. Whatever. Shoot me. I think Hishon’s got it going on and I don’t care who knows it. Oh, what’s he look like with a hat and a sick beard, you say?

Hm. Fabulous. That’s weird. Obviously I don’t know dick about the Monsters or hockey in general but I do know a good looking dude when I see one. He was also the 17th overall pick in the 2010 NHL draft and is tied for second on the Monsters in goals, so he’s no bender (?). Hockey bros are insanely tough and he’s come back from two massive concussions. This cat is the whole package. He’ll be playing swords with Sid the Kid in no time. He’s pretty much Neal Caffrey from White Collar on ice. You guys are lucky he didn’t win the whole goddamn thing.

8. Michael Brantley, Outfield, Cleveland Indians

At his best – 8

At his worst – 7

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25

Yeah I’ll admit it. I’m a little biased when it comes to my favorite player on my favorite team. Maybe he’s not quite an 8. Maybe I love the no-nonsense way he plays the game too much. Maybe I got lost thinking about how perfect he looks in a baseball uniform, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, up at bat, with a helmet and Oakleys on, runner on second, two outs, tie game, 1-2 count, bottom of the 9th, tapping his bat twice on his shoulder, picking his front foot up to load, seeing the curveball all the way in, staying back and driving it into left-center, bringing home the game-winning run, flashing his pearly whites while he rounds first and his teammates rush out on to the field to meet him, ripping off his jersey to reveal a white tee shirt underneath as they rain down showers of water bottles upon him.

I blacked out, what happened?

7. LeBron James, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 7

At his worst – 7

Personality – 8.25

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25.25

So here’s my thing with LeBron. Would women (and myself apparently) think he’s attractive if he wasn’t arguably the best athlete on the planet? I don’t believe we would. But he is. We’re not talking about some guy who looks like LeBron here, we’re talking about the real deal. So you have to judge the whole package. He’s a well-spoken businessman who is a great leader, a role model for his community and just happens to be the best basketball player on the face of the planet. The most talked about hairline in sports doesn’t really matter to me to be honest because his forehead is so goddamn big I get distracted before I even get there. Plus, the ladies know it’s not all about that face, bout that face. And all the guys now know he’s okay in that department too, thanks to Beats by Dre. Take ME to church, LeBron!

6. Tristan Thompson, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 8

At his worst – 7.75

Personality – 7.5

Athletic ability – 2

TOTAL – 25.25

Tristan is just a solid looking dude all around. If it’s difficult to find a bad picture of you on the internet, you must be doing something right. He’s got a great smile and is consistently one of the best dressed guys on the squad. And his personality is right up there with the best in the city. The guy straight up switched shooting hands out of nowhere in order to up his game. How many guys in the NBA do you think would do that? He busts his ass doing the little things on the glass and on defense night in and night out. And oh yeah he’s hilarious

…but we already know how Mike feels about that.

5. Corey Kluber, Starting Pitcher, Cleveland Indians

At his best – 7.75

At his worst – 7.75

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25.5

Yes I know that’s the same picture for best and worst. Robots look the same in all situations. This particular robot has taken the form of the best pitcher in the American League sporting quite possibly the best beard as well. The fact that he has embraced the whole “Klubot” image is actually hilarious. But don’t tell him that.

There’s nothing better than a quirky person who is self-aware enough to embrace it. Kluber is clearly not comfortable in the public eye, but he’s turned that into a positive. I’ll bet behind closed clubhouse doors he runs around with his pants off, slapping asses and farting all over the place.

4. Kyrie Irving, Guard, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 7.25

At his worst – 7

Personality – 8.5

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 25.75

Classic case of probably an average looking guy getting a serious boost from being an incredible basketball player and a hilarious individual. Things have been baaaaad the past couple years at the Q. He could have stomped his feet, pouted and made things around here uglier than Curtis Painter. At some points it seemed like he was going to. But he stuck around. That, on top of the most hilarious sports commercials this side of “This Is Sportscenter”, gives Kyrie the highest rated personality on my list. And like I said with LeBron, you gotta evaluate the whole package. Oh, and on the court?

3. Jason Kipnis, Second Base, Cleveland Indians

At his best – 8.25

At his worst – 7.25

Personality – 8

Athletic ability – 2.25

TOTAL – 25.75

This one I’m expecting to catch some heat for. Let the record show that his “best” picture is in uniform, in the middle of a game. If he looks that strapping in the heat of battle, can you imagine him all cleaned up? Oh wait. I can.

And his worst picture could pass as Channing Tatum’s identical twin. So yeah, I’d say that gets you in Cleveland’s top 3 hottest athletes. He’s also probably one of the best twitter follows of all our pros. He has a great rapport with fans, like this dickbag from September:

Was it dumb to cuss? Yeah probably. But it was also refreshing to see an athlete care enough about his personal and the team’s performance to drop a hard F bomb on twitter. Kip is A-OK in my book. And my third hottest Cleveland athlete.

2. Kevin Love, Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers

At his best – 9.5

At his worst – 7.25

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 3

TOTAL – 26.75

It seems Kevin Love is all the craze with the ladies of Cleveland nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a VERY handsome dude. He’s my second most handsome dude on any Cleveland professional sports team. But my girlfriend telling me he’s hotter than Ryan Gosling is lunacy like I’ve never heard before. Yeah he looks GQ when he’s in a GQ PHOTO SHOOT. Those guys could make me look like I don’t wear sweatpants all day and drink Arizona Iced Tea right out of the jug. But what can you do for me on a regular day, Kevin? When you don’t spend hours in makeup and get some photoshop help after the fact? I know for a FACT I’m not rolling over in bed on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking, looking at that bed head and beard and thinking, “Gosh, he’s good looking.”…if I’m a girl. But Gosling? Gosling never quits.

Get outta here with that noise. But yeah KLove is a smoke.

1. Jordan Cameron, Tight End, Cleveland Browns

At his best – 10

At his worst – 9.5

lol

Personality – 7

Athletic ability – 2.5

TOTAL – 29

Well that was anticlimactic. I mean it wasn’t even close. The instant Mike brought up the idea to do this list, he had already won. A Pro Bowl tight end with golden locks that flow like the Euphrates who also has a decent social media presence? How could there be any other winner? If he could stay on the damn field he’d be right up there with Cleveland’s most beloved athletes right now. I really don’t have anything else to write here. Look at his goddamn face.

Well there you have it. Like it or not, that list is 100% fact. It shook out like this:

10. Spencer Lanning

9. Joey Hishon

8. Michael Brantley

7. LeBron James

6. Tristan Thompson

5. Corey Kluber

4. Kyrie Irving

3. Jason Kipnis

2. Kevin Love

1. Jordan Cameron

Keep on the lookout for Mike’s list, and keep voting in the poll to tell me how wrong I am. Results will be tallied and posted next week.

Food

Bottlegate’s Top Ten Foods of Thanksgiving

November 26, 2014 Mike Leave a comment

Ah, Thanksgiving. One of the best holidays of the year. A holiday where you can eat like a gluttonous asshole, consume your weight in food, and drink until you can drink no more. Where overeating and stuffing your face until you can’t breathe is considered normal. Thanksgiving is the official start of #FatSeason, the imaginary totally made up season where it’s socially acceptable to get fat and it’s illegal to be judged for being a slob. Fat Season officially runs from Thanksgiving-Valentine’s Day.

We had a lot of back and forth on our Top 10 Thanksgiving foods… There was a tie at number 4. Even had an employee threaten to quit. People are passionate about what their favorites foods are to eat on Turkey Day.

Here’s how our list played out… but first enjoy this fire jame about Thanksgiving. No joke I listened to it about 8 straight times while making this list. It’s a banger and catchy as hell. It pretty much turns into an Iggy Azalea rap at around 2:30.

Honorable Mention

Cranberry Sauce

Doesn’t crack the top 10 but we’ve had the same guy on Twitter tweet us about 4 times for his love of cranberry sauce (but only the jellied, canned cranberry sauce, mind you) so we figured we’d throw him a bone. Adam if you’re reading this, we hear you.

Top 10

10. Sweet potatoes

The only, and I mean THE ONLY reason why sweet potatoes even sniffed this list is because Austin threatened to quit.

@Bottlegate if sweet potatoes aren't number 1 i quit

— Austin Ingraham (@aingraham17) November 24, 2014

Do you know how had it is to find a talented Indians writer? If we want to take Bottlegate to the next level, he needs to be on board. So to satisfy him, sweet potatoes made the list. (In reality, sweet potatoes blow and barely crack the top 10)

9. Green been casserole

Never had it. Have no intention to have it. Some guy on Twitter tweeted us that it’s his #1 so I guess it cracks the top 10. We give the people what they want and apparently they want green bean casserole. (Honestly didn’t even know what green bean casserole looked like. Thank you Google images)

8. Cheesy potatoes

Underutilized dish for sure. I don’t think cheesy potatoes are a staple at most family’s Thanksgiving feasts but they should be. Anytime you can add cheese to an already delicious food such as potatoes it’s a game changer. Not as classic as your traditional mashed potatoes but if the cheesy potatoes continue their upward trend, they could be a force to be reckoned with on our 2015 list.

7. Apple pie

It’s not my favorite pie, but it makes the list. There’s just something about eating 6 lbs of turkey and mashed potatoes and then washing it down with about 4 slices of apple pie. Plus it’s American as shit.

6. Turkey (white meat)

There’s two people in this world. The weirdos who prefer white meat, and the classy, distinguished people who prefer dark meat. What shade of meat someone prefers really says a lot about that person. White meat is pretty “meh,” but when it’s smothered in gravy it turns into a delicacy.

5. Pickles

A darkhorse for sure but I’m literally (yes literally) going to have myself about 17 pickles on Thursday. And for that, they make the top 10.

4. Pumpkin Pie (only if there’s whipped cream)

Disclaimer: Pumpkin Pie only makes this list if there’s whipped cream. No whipped cream and P. Pie might not crack the top 15. If you don’t put whipped cream on your pumpkin pie you might be a certified psycho.

4. Turkey (dark meat)

Ah, the meat of the Gods. The meat reserved for a king. How anyone would prefer white meat to this succulent, delicious, mouth watering poultry is Looney Tunes to me. Dark meat appeals to those gentlemen out there who have a distinguished sense of taste and appreciate the finer things in life.

3. Mashed Potatoes

In my opinion, the crown jewel of the list. No Thanksgiving dinner is complete without mashed potatoes. White, fluffy, savory goodness.

2. Stuffing

I’m admittedly not a stuffing guy, but I know the importance of stuffing to a Thanksgiving meal. People love it, swear by it, are smitten by it, go ape shit over it. Fights have been started over it, people have come to blows discussing it. Stuffing fans are a passionate bunch. For that reason alone, it cracks the top 5.

1. Gravy

The undisputed number one champion in all of the Thanksgiving foods. It may not be the most filling, but it’s the most important. Imagine Thanksgiving dinner without it. Dry turkey, unflavored mashed potatoes.. No fucking thanks. If you’re not making a lake of gravy on your Thanksgiving plate then you’re doing it all wrong. Your plate should look like a bowl of soup.

I love gravy. I love gravy on mashed potatoes. I love it on turkey. And I take gravy and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?