Here we go here we go! It’s officially my favorite time of the year and one that I’ve been celebrating since the summer of 2014. It’s the time of year when I think Josh Gordon can come back in football shape, quickly knock off two years of rust (the 2014 season doesn’t count) and be the receiver for the Browns that he was in 2013.
I’m an idiot and I know I’m an idiot, ok? It’s kind of like playing Pokemon as a 27 year old. I know I’m a dork for playing Pokemon Go just like I know I’m an idiot for getting excited about Josh Gordon. It’s all about awareness. I know that getting back to form after a 1+ year layoff is going to be incredibly hard. I know the cards are stacked against him and that there’s a large faction of Browns fans who want him traded. I know he’s been a dipshit and associates himself with other dipshits.
And then you think about the new coaching staff and Hue Jackson’s love of big and fast wide receivers. And he’s still on his rookie contract. And many teams probably won’t trade any more than a late round pick for him. And he’s really really really talented… annnnnnnd just like that I’m 100% back on the Josh Gordon bandwagon.
Are we going to 100% regret getting excited about this when he inevitably (but hopefully not) fails a drug test in the future? Probably. I’m realistic about the whole thing but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be excited about a RG3, Duke, Flash, Barnidge, and Corey Coleman offense. On paper, it doesn’t look that shitty. Really though, it doesn’t.
My excitement level for this upcoming Browns season was at about a 6 this morning but after this Gordon news I’m at about an 8. Should be fun a fun season. All of our expectations are low but that doesn’t mean this team isn’t full of intriguing storylines.
As we come out of this Cavs championship hangover it’s now full steam ahead into Browns season.
And then there’s this. Fucking Goodell strikes again.
The #Browns play the #Patriots on Oct. 9. Tom Brady AND Josh Gordon are slated to return. … That could be a fun game to watch.
The ESPYS. ESPN’s fake awards show dedicated to sports during the most boring sports week of all year. I’ll be watching. You’ll be watching. We’ll all be begrudgingly watching. There’s not really any hot topics like last year’s show (Caitlyn Jenner) but hopefully something cool happens. I can just picture Steph and Klay being handed some arbitrary award and BAH GOD here comes LeBron in a suit leaping from the crowd and giving Steph one of his patented chasedown blocks as the presenter hands Steph an award. The trophy shatters into a thousand pieces. Klay Thompson leaves the stage without shaking anybody’s hand and then Bron gives everyone this look:
But anyways.
We wanted to add a little flavor and came up with our own Cleveland themed ESPYs
The… CLESPYs? (sorry)
Best Athlete (Besides LeBron)
Mike: Kyrie Irving
Kyrie droped 41 on the road in an elimination game and then in game 7 he hit the franchise’s/city’s/state’s biggest shot ever. He did things during this playoff run that almost made me break my DVR because I rewound my TV so much. He missed a good chunk of the season but is still my pick for best athlete (besides LeBron)
Austin: Francisco Lindor
Kyrie is the easy pick, and he’s certainly deserving. My take is, basically you have a very good point guard who missed 35% of his team’s regular season versus a guy who has been one of the best shortstops in all of baseball from the second he was called up to the big leagues a year ago. Definitely understand taking the guy who hit the biggest shot in Cleveland sports history, but I think there’s a solid argument for Lindor there.
Best Championship Performance The LeBron James Award
Mike: LeBron obviously
Austin: LeBron
Best Breakthrough Athlete
Mike: Stipe Miocic
From being relatively unknown by the general public to winning the UFC Heavyweight championship in Brazil and being the first car in Cleveland’s championship parade. I’d say it was a pretty good year for Stipe.
Austin: Gary Barnidge
Gary Barnidge was a tight end who had 44 receptions and 38 total tackles in his NFL career heading into 2015. 79 catches, 1,043 yards and a Pro Bowl selection later, he’s one of the lone bright spots on the Browns and my Best Breakthrough Athlete.
Best Record Setting Performance
Austin: Indians 14 game winning streak
You play. To win. The game.
They won more consecutive games than any team in the history of the franchise.
No further questions, Your Honor.
Mike: When the Cavs buried and NBA record 25 three pointers vs the Atlanta Hawks.
Is doing something that only 32 teams in the history of professional basketball have tried to do, and something that exactly 0 teams in the history of professional basketball have succeeded in doing, good?
Mike: Cavs over Warriors
This is the obvious pick. I tried my hardest to think of something else but couldn’t. Stipe Miocic knocking out Fabricio Werdum in Brazil to win the heavyweight title is a worthy runner up so here’s a video of that:
The drought-ender after the initial drought-ender that led to the ultimate drought-ender. We’re from Cleveland, people. Beggars can’t be choosers. A ‘ship is a ‘ship is a ‘ship. And this one was won on a last-second game-winner in overtime.
Mike: Browns Monday Night Football vs the Ravens
Nationally televised game. The Browns are lining up for a last second field goal to win the game. The snap is down, the kick is up-
HOLY SHIT. This was just an unreal way to lose a football game. It also gave us this:
I’m a Kevin Love apologist. With all the shit he went through during the Finals and all the criticism he faced, he stepped up in the biggest moment. 1 on 1 vs the back to back unanimous MVP with a city’s championship dreams on the line. A lot of people will probably forget about this routine defensive assignment in the long run, but this play will stick with me forever.
Austin: The Block
When your city wins its first major sports championship in 52 years, that team is a good bet to dominate a list of awards like this just like they dominated the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals ahthankyou. Although I’m not sure it would have mattered if this play was Game 7 of the finals or a January scrimmage against the Nets.
But we tend to (never) go above and beyond here at Bottlegate. So for fun, here’s my non-Cavs pick: Francisco Lindor dive and flip to Jose Ramirez
Best Moment
Austin: LeBron after the final buzzer of Game 7
That was about as close as it gets to seeing the actual weight of the Planet Earth lifted off of someone’s shoulders. It was pretty cool to watch when I got home from reacting the exact same way with thousands and thousands of friends in the streets of Downtown Cleveland.
Don’t look now, but seemingly one of the most popular scapegoats of Indians fans over the past couple years is putting together a monster year. Santana’s 20 first-half home runs are already more than his club-leading 19 from 2015 (the first Indians player to hit 20 before the All-Star break in 7 years). He’s also second on the team in RBI (49), OPS (.848) and third in runs (52). The RBI are even more impressive seeing as most of his at-bats have come from the lead-off spot. And oh yeah, his batting average is 18 points, OBP is 8 points, slugging percentage is 31 points, wOBA is 13 points and wRC+ is 10 points higher in the second half during his career.
He’s not underrated at all but I felt there was too much Cavs and Indians love in this blog post so I needed to recognize the best player on our dear football team.
Ah, to be young, stoned, and an eternal optimist again.
Whatever this kid is on I want double the dosage everyday for the rest of my life. That’s gotta be some strong shit.
Here’s the backstory from the man himself:
Not a .500 record. Not a wild card berth in the playoffs. The Super Bowl. He’s so out of it that he thinks the Browns (at 200-1) will be representing the AFC in the biggest sporting event in America. Hey, if RGIII shocks people, the defense comes together, and our rookie class contributes…….
So he thinks he’s downtown and going to the Browns game. Fair enough.  But is he really that different than someone who’s been in the Muni Lot for 5 straight hours?
Bottlegate 