Move over Cardale and Rousey, there’s a new power couple in Columbus. “Taylor Elliott” has a nice ring to it, eh? The “Heisman Trophy and Grammy Award winning couple” rolls off your tongue pretty smoothly.
Even if their relationship doesn’t work out, could you imagine the bangers that the break up would produce? Taylor’s song “Crop Top” about “the one who ran into her heart” would put “Bad Blood” and “Blank Space” to shame. Everyone knows the best part about Swift’s relationships are the songs that come after they end.
As if there was any chance of Taylor turning him down, Zeke turned to the heavy artillery:
I’m doing everything I can not to study for exams so I took the liberty of making this JFF version of Blank Space… thought you might enjoy it.
Well Happy fucking Thursday to me! We got this email in the Bottlegate inbox last night (Bottlegatecle@gmail.com for those of you that are interested) and my jaw dropped to the floor. I INSTANTLY pulled up the video from YouTube and mouthed the words along with the beat with a smile on my face. Toe tapping and shimmying all around the room like a god damn maniac. Taylor Swift and Johnny Fuckin Football combined into one musical masterpiece. I’m happier than a pig in shit right now.
(Press play and follow along with the lyrics)
Johnny Football
Where you been?
We could do some incredible things
Magic, madness, losses, wins
Saw you there and I thought oh my god
Look at that arm, off the field issues, cause for alarm
Next week’s game, wanna playyyyyyy?
Holcomb, Couch, Detmer, Frye
You’re on all of the magazines
Show us you can let it fly
We all know how good you could be
So hey, lead our team
You already know the fans will cream
Grab your helmet, put on for The Land
We tend to make the good guys bad in a season
So you’re gonna be the franchise
Or you’re gonna go down in flames
I’ll let you know when it’s over
If there were highs or simply pain
Got a long list of ex-QBs
They’ll tell you we’re insane
But you know we love our Brownies
So let’s pop champagne
Cause you’re young and you’re reckless
But you could carry us far
It’ll leave us breathless
Or leave a nasty scar
Got a long list of ex-QBs
They’ll tell you we’re insane
But we got a black space Johnny
And we’ll write your name
Heisman trophy
Lookin fly
You could show us incredible things
Throwing touchdowns, sprinting by
We’re the Browns Johnny you’re the QB
Quinn, Wynn, and Anderson
All our QBs for a month
But the best is yet to come
Ohwoahhhhhh
Gordon, Cameron, Playoff births
You could make all the tables turn
Johnny Football watcha worth?
Pettine second guessing you like oh my god
Who is he? Hoyer’s benched finally
Now you’ll come in and throw TDs
Cause Johnny we’re a nightmare you’re like a daydream
Two HUGE videos dropped by two of the biggest stars in music this week. And boy, they could not be any more different. You’ve got Taylor Swift’s fun, bubbly, “Aw look at me, I’m kind of awkward but in a funny quirky way hehe” video. And then you’ve got Nicki Minaj’s softcore porno/twerk fest/music video set in the depths of the Amazon rainforest. I also needed to take a shower after I watched it. Let’s look at the tape.
Outfits– Well, this one is a bloodbath. The pictures show everything that you need to know.
Advantage: Nicki
Dance moves-
Sure Nicki shaking her fake ass all over the place was kind of cool but you need to do more than a couple hip thrusters to impress me. I need pizzazz. I need spark. I need some showmanship. I need some spirit. And Taylor DOMINATES this round. All you simpletons out there were probably too busy fantasizing about Nicki twerking to be able to really appreciate how Taylor moved on the screen. Her screen presence is off the charts. I mean, look at this!
Plus if we’re comparing backup dancers, this category turns into even more of a massacre. This guy steals the show. He may actually be the best dancer I’ve ever seen to be honest. That arm movement is nothing short of hypnotic.
Advantage: Taylor
Cinematography- I’m not even sure what cinematography is but I felt like it needed to be a category. Nicki’s video has scenes in a jungle, a dance/workout class, and ends with her dancing on some guy from Degrassi. Taylor’s video starts out in a ballet class, has some Lady Gaga futuristic scenes, and a pep rally.
Gotta be honest, don’t think this exercise is doing much
Advantage:Nicki
Video “Replayability”– At the end of the day I do have a Y chromosome and there’s just no denying science and nature. I could watch Nicki’s video more times in a row than I could watch Taylor’s video.
Advantage: Nicki
Song– Not Even close. Taylor in a LANDSLIDE. It’s catchy and if it came out in May/June it’d undoubtedly be the song of the summer. I’m 100% serious when I say I already downloaded Shake It Off on my phone and have listened to it 10+ times… The first time I watched the Anaconda video I watched it on mute. Probably the best decision of my life. To call that song “noise” would be giving it a compliment.
Advantage: Taylor
Final Tally– Tough one here. Two great candidates all around. Kinda reminds me of the Rumble In The Jungle where Ali pulled the Rope A Dope on George Foreman. The whole fight seems one sided and BOOM! A quick 5-punch combination ending with a left hook to the head. And that’s how Taylor Swift beat Nicki Minaj. By a calculated strategy that worked out for her in the end. Taylor didn’t need all the bells and ASSES whistles of the Nicki Minaj video. She brought it strong in other ways, and for that Taylor Swift is your champion.
Bottlegate 